Contradictions

I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that people read all sorts of things I never intended into my posts. Sometimes we get comments that show us how we affect a reader. When Mrs. Lion or I write about our disciplinary relationship, invariably someone will interpret what we do as domestic violence. The response is always outrage at either my need to be hurt or Mrs. Lion’s cruel treatment of her husband.

It’s perfectly reasonable to wonder why I would want to be put in a position where I am painfully spanked? Or, for that matter, why I would want my wife to have absolute power over me? Perhaps I’m a masochist and I want to suffer. That’s a simple explanation and it fits the facts. I don’t think that’s the correct answer, but it is an answer that some would find acceptable. The truth is a little more complex. I’m wired to be turned on when I think about being sexually controlled. I also think spanking is very hot. Those two kinks, if you will, set the context for the rest.

I don’t get sexually aroused when I’m spanked. Some people do, but I don’t. I do get aroused when I think about it happening to me. If you wonder why I would willingly expose my bottom with the full knowledge it is about to be painfully paddled, the explanation is simply that it’s a turn on for me to think about being spanked. It’s also a turn on to reminisce about a spanking in the past.

This sexual sandwich leads me to inexorably want that painful paddling. I know I’m not unique in this. Based on reading other people’s experiences with spanking, it’s the same formula for them as it is for me. On a slightly different level, study after study have found that more than three quarters of the people surveyed fantasize about being spanked. Obviously, most of them never experience it as adults, but it’s a dream that turns them on.

For a long time I tried to rationalize my feelings about this by suggesting that the sexual side of spanking has nothing to do with a disciplinary relationship. The fantasy is that in FLRD (Female Lead Relationship with Discipline), there is no sexual component. The authority is supposed to be as absolute as a parent with a child and just as disassociated with sex.

Somehow, people get the idea that if sex is behind something, it’s not serious; it’s recreation. So if my desire for spanking and punishment are sexually based, then Mrs. Lion is just playing a sexual game with me. People who see things the other way, don’t recognize that there is underlying satisfaction to the people practicing FLRD. They choose to see subjugation and domestic violence.

Neither is correct. There’s absolutely no question that my desire for FLRD and the punishments that go with it are deeply rooted in my sexuality. I never imagine Mrs. Lion as my mother and I don’t expect her to circumscribe my life. I’m a functioning adult. She and I have a very strong partnership. I make lots of the decisions in our relationship even though it is a FLRD.

That doesn’t mean we are just playing a sexual game. Mrs. Lion has the right to make any rule she wishes. She has the right to punish me as she feels necessary. I have given her that right and I don’t have a veto. She understands this and she also understands that while the scope of her authority is very broad, the actual practice is limited to areas we both feel would benefit us.

Her strong interest in my happiness and the health of our relationship, guide her in terms of how she wields her authority. She wants me to be happy. I want her to be happy as well. I also want her to use her power to advance her happiness as well as mine.

It’s fair to say that my sexual interest in control and spanking make it easy to get me to accept punishments. It’s also fair to say that in addition to helping me correct behavioral issues, the punishment also feeds my libido.

Is there something wrong with a single action having two very different benefits? Obviously, in a parent-child relationship, sexual arousal should certainly have nothing to do with discipline of any sort. When it comes to consenting adults in a relationship, what’s wrong with using discipline to turn on one or both partners?

I admit it’s been hard for me to accept that something as serious as painful punishment can also be a turn on that will make me hard as the pain fades. I can’t deny that is what happens with me. I also wondered that as long as I got this sexual benefit, would I not get the behavioral correction intended?

To my surprise, I do. Being punished for specific offenses has taught me to avoid committing them. At the same time these punishments are arousing sexually. That is, I’m turned on after Mrs. Lion finishes and when I remember it later on. This arousal in itself has two benefits: First, it assures that I will willingly accept my medicine. Second, it prevents me from resenting being punished even if the punishment is especially unpleasant.

I think one reason Mrs. Lion is willing to become a strict disciplinarian is because she knows it fuels my libido. I don’t think she considers the corrections in my behavior nearly as important. Of course, she is just entering the lioness 3.0 phase where she uses discipline to correct behaviors that annoy or upset her. If she is successful in modifying my behavior to stop upsetting her, she may see more value in the corrections side of punishment.

I don’t like admitting that FLRD is sexually rooted. However, it’s unhealthy to ignore. I know it’s true for me and I’m pretty sure it’s true for almost everyone else who practices it. Enforced male chastity is no different. Logically, it makes no sense to imagine that physically preventing sexual arousal and ejaculation is a turn on. But it is. It’s so exciting to some guys that they beg to stay locked up orgasm-free for months at a time. The arousal caused by feeling that strong sexual control is sometimes much better than the transient delight of the orgasm that is being withheld.

I suspect that a very large share of the confusion our partners may have when we ask to be controlled comes from this odd combination of what seem to be opposite motivations. I was assigning positive and negative values to these activities. Sex isn’t always fun. It can be a form of violence, an expression of rage, a profound form of comfort, and even an expression of sadness. Similarly, authority and punishment can be expressions of brutality or it can be a way of showing love and care. The actions themselves have no inherent emotional loading. The giver and recipient provide their own interpretations.

FLRD, or what some people call domestic discipline, can be a very useful way to support the best parts of a relationship. The rules and punishments can be effective even though the recipient finds them sexually arousing. I know that’s true because it’s what happens with me.

I don’t think either of us would have predicted that orgasm denial and serious spanking would become valued components of our marriage. I’m absolutely sure Mrs. Lion never imagined she would be making and enforcing rules for her husband.

I think it’s really healthy to recognize that the emotional fabric of our relationship has a complex pattern with vast depth of color and design. We’ve learned that things others may consider silly or even brutal, provide us both with benefits on many levels. It’s taken me a long time to realize that it’s completely okay to find spanking sexually arousing and still accept it as a serious form of punishment that I need.