I had a really good time on my birthday. Mrs. Lion brought Chinese food home for dinner. It’s been a while since we’ve had that. Best of all, we got to be together. Mrs. Lion’s climax (literally) of the evening was to give me amazing oral sex. This was the third orgasm this month. Mrs. Lion is celebrating Unlocktober by giving me an orgasm almost every other day. I want more birthdays!
I didn’t get a birthday spanking. Mrs. Lion offered but I just didn’t want it. I think that the years of spankings as punishment have changed the way I think about them. Yes, I’m still turned on by the idea of being spanked, but I think the idea of a play spanking doesn’t seem like too much fun.
Mrs. Lion was a bit surprised at my response. I was too. Anyway this is a good thing. It means that there is no longer any ambiguity about spanking. It’s punishment, not play.
In the past, buying paddles was like shopping for other BDSM toys. We enjoyed trying new things. Even as recently as a few weeks ago when I bought the heart-shaped paddle, I thought it was fun and a little exciting. I don’t expect that to change. I’m still turned on when I think about being spanked. However, I don’t think of it as a fun thing to do.
I haven’t seen anybody else comment on this. Pretty much everyone who is disciplined this way thinks about it as a positive part of their lives. It feels paradoxical to want something and appreciate it even though it’s very painful and unpleasant. By the way, men and women share this contradictory set of feelings equally.
One reason that adult spanking needs to be especially strict is because in order for it to work as a punishment, it has to send a message that it is not something to anticipate with pleasure. However, it can’t be thought of with too much fear. The recipient has to willingly submit.
Before we began our Female Led Relationship with Discipline (FLRD), Mrs. Lion spanked me as part of BDSM play. The spankings could get pretty intense and I wasn’t turned on or happy while she spanked me. Still, I eagerly anticipated the spankings.
After she began spanking me for punishment, I stopped anticipating the event with any pleasure. But I still got turned on thinking about it. When Mrs. Lion wrote that she would give me a play spanking for my birthday, I didn’t get excited. I put it out of my mind. On my birthday, when she asked me if I was ready for it, I told her that I really would rather not get a birthday spanking.
In one sense I’m missing out on a formerly fun activity. More importantly, spanking now has only one purpose: punishment. I will never be confused again about why I’m being paddled. This is progress.
Unfortunately, Mrs. Lion feels guilty that somehow she’s taking away something I’ve always enjoyed. In her post yesterday, she said that she wished she could find a different punishment so I could still have my play spankings. For the record, I still get turned on thinking about being spanked. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. It’s very clear to me that spanking is the ideal, at least for me, adult punishment. The way Mrs. Lion is using it now is exactly the way it’s always been used.
I don’t feel a sense of loss, mainly because I get many more spankings now than I ever did when it was just part of BDSM play. It’s true, the meaning behind the spanking and the fact that it’s being done explicitly to make me unhappy is different. It isn’t as different as you might think, however. Play spankings can be every bit as painful as a punishment spanking. The big difference is that in a punishment situation I don’t get to decide if and when I will be spanked and when I’ve had enough.
Truth be told, I think I prefer it this way. I always wanted to feel the kind of control I’m feeling now. Mrs. Lion is doing a wonderful job as my wife. I’m grateful to her for all she does for me. If I thought that punishment spanking was somehow depriving me of a great pleasure, I would certainly say so. Instead, I keep asking Mrs. Lion to turn up the volume on her spankings.
I always regret doing this when it’s time for the next punishment. I think she and I are doing the right thing. Our marriage, always strong, has gotten even stronger. I think it’s a terrifically good trade to give up play spankings in favor of our disciplinary relationship.
We have two pretty distinct types of corporal punishment. The “fun” ones satisfy my masochism, my owner’s sadism, and bring us close together, even when bumping up against safeword contemplation. Punishment spankings do not have that wonderful interaction. They’re clinically administered, typically via caning, hurt immensely and do not have an enjoyable energy exchange. As much as I like the idea of them, I actively avoid them (unlike a certain Lion here hahaha.)
Since I introduced Mrs. Lion to spanking, as well as all BDSM, she doesn’t have any context outside of me. If she had been spanked as a child or exposed to corporal punishment at any time in her life, she would have additional information about punishment versus BDSM.
Over the years, spankings have gotten much more severe. I’m not claiming that her current level of spanking is as strong as I think it might be. But, it’s getting there. As my spankings become more severe and painful, I find myself starting to dread them.
I’m not sure what you mean by “trying to avoid them”. I don’t try right now because I might be successful. The last thing I want to be able to do is prevent Mrs. Lion from punishing me when she feels it’s necessary. I may be wrong, but I believe that if I strongly object, she will back off. I think that would be disruptive for both of us. I do my part by actively supporting her. I even remind her if she’s forgotten she owes me punishment.
I’m hoping that won’t always be the case. If I can allow myself to feel completely under her power and not worry that I can divert her, I think she could be even more effective as my disciplinarian. I don’t think I should be a partner when it comes to being punished. In my mind at least, the punishment is much more meaningful when I have absolutely no input into what’s going to happen to me. I think a lot of the value of a punishment comes from the feeling of powerlessness I would get if I knew that there was nothing I could do to prevent or stop it.
I completely agree re: punishment. I too have no say, and feel that’s the way it has to be. I meant “try to avoid” as in “follow the rules.” Ha. I always chuckle at how often you break them. Thanks to you both for keeping up the blog – times haven’t been easy.
You’re right about it being paradoxical. It’s hard enough to understand when there are serious and important rules, but your punishments seem very disproportionately harsh for the relatively trivial offenses. If “justice” is ever a motive in these DD/FLR relationships it is hard to see it as one here.
I get the being turned on thinking about it, but that alone does not explain why you go through this.
There really must be a significant thrill or emotional benefit to feeling under her control to tolerate that level of pain and dread on a continual basis. Query how you will feel if she really tunes you up for something you didn’t do or think was not wrong.
The reason the punishments seem out of proportion is that we are trying to develop our disciplinary skills and instincts. Mrs. Lion intentionally created rules that had no emotional loading and were things I would frequently do. It’s worked. She has learned to be an effective observer of my behavior as well as a good spanker.