It’s All About Sex, Right?

The root of all of the complex emotional and physical manifestations of male chastity and any other sort of power exchange is undeniably sexual. I chose to give Mrs. Lion the control she has over me. The root of that desire for her to own my sexuality and become my disciplining wife is the deep sense of arousal that doing this makes me feel. I suppose in some sense, this is my motive and my motivation for doing this.

I don’t believe that anyone is born being submissive or dominant. I think the choice we make to take on either role is based on the circumstances at the time we do it. I know this flies in the face of the romantic mythology surrounding these practices. People like to ascribe deeper meaning to events in their lives. For example, when someone has been incarcerated, once released he will become, at least for a while, a strong advocate of prison or judicial reform. It’s an effort to convert a negative experience into something meaningful. This happens to people who lose friends and relatives an accident or some other unpredictable event. They will dedicate themselves to preventing such things from happening again.

I’m not claiming that the sort of reaction we have to our dedication to enforced male chastity or Female Led Relationship with Discipline is the same thing. However, it’s similar. I think it’s an effort to build a context in which our practices can comfortably live. If I consider myself submissive by nature, then it’s perfectly natural for me to expect to obey and be disciplined by my partner. It’s expected that I will have a strong desire for her control. I am living my preordained purpose in life.

The same, of course, is true of people who like to think of themselves as dominant. Not too surprisingly, most of us who have been sexually dominant in the past, don’t consider it our preordained destiny. That’s one of the biggest differences between people who want to submit and those who dominate them. Domination is a service performed for someone who wishes to be submissive. That’s why the entire concept of professional dominance is perfectly reasonable.

A person who wants to be submissive in some aspects of his life, will get gratification out of the actions of his dominant partner. From my own experience with enforced male chastity and, of course, Mrs. Lion’s leadership, I get a strong sense of place and comfort. I actively work to support her in her role. Speaking from my own experience, there is no corresponding sense of place and comfort in a dominant role. Being in charge is a responsibility. Having to observe behavior and punishing infractions isn’t rewarding work. It’s a service that supports the overall structure largely created for the benefit of the submissive partner.

This inevitably leads to the question: What is in it for the dominant partner? What does Mrs. Lion get out of this arrangement? Over the years I’ve been writing these posts, you know that I don’t believe giving sexual favors to her represents any sort of payment for her efforts. As my wife, they are things that I’ll give her regardless of any arrangements. I enjoy them as much as she does. All of the male chastity mythology says that the keyholder gets paid for her services by extensive sexual favors and domestic chores being performed by her caged male. I think it’s a load of crap.

The benefit to Mrs. Lion is that she sees how much her efforts make me happy. It’s taken quite a while for her to fully grasp, but she knows that even when she administers painful punishments, I’m benefiting in a very positive way. Some people think that this sort of behavior is maternal. It certainly resembles it in that a loving-but-stern female is in charge and metes out punishments and rewards for behavior she wishes her charge to learn. In fact, some of the mythology suggests that a dominant woman is by nature, maternal.

I don’t think of Mrs. Lion as my mommy, and I know she doesn’t think of me as her son. There is a certain sort of syntax that people adopt in a dominant/submissive situation. The submissive partner is often referred to as a “boy” or “girl” as a way of verbally assigning lower status to that partner. This can be easily misinterpreted as son or daughter. I disagree. Mrs. Lion sometimes tells me that I am a “good boy”. She doesn’t mean it in the sense that I am her son. We both understand to mean that it’s a way of showing that she is in charge.

Some women who like to take the dominant role get sexual pleasure out of exercising it. Many don’t. Mrs. Lion doesn’t seem to get any particular pleasure out of being in charge. Before her libido faded, being the dominant partner did not arouse her at all. Submitting to her turns me on to this day.

This gets me to a very important point: Only one partner needs to make the sexual connections necessary for dominance and submission. Sometimes, both make that connection. In our case it’s just me. That doesn’t mean I walk around associating sex with Mrs. Lion’s role as my disciplining wife. I don’t. But I understand that at the root of all of this stuff, that’s what’s going on. On the other hand, Mrs. Lion, I think, feels a sense of satisfaction and pleasure out of her success dominating me.

D/S on a scene basis is fueled by sexual desire for this sort of stuff by one or both partners. When I was a top, I was not turned on by being dominant. I was turned on by the obvious sexual implications of playing with a naked woman. Those of us who actually practice power exchanges on a full-time basis have much more complex motives. In the beginning, I think I was driven by the sexual pleasure I got out of my new role. Mrs. Lion provided the service out of a desire to make me happy. As time went by, the sexual element for me at least, remained, but I found deeper meaning in my role as a disciplined husband. I can’t articulate exactly what that is. All I know is that when we had to suspend our disciplinary relationship after my surgery last spring, we both felt something was missing.

Since I wasn’t particularly interested in sex after my surgery, I can’t claim that the reason I felt there was an empty space in my life was due to the lack of sexual stimulation. It obviously wasn’t. Since Mrs. Lion was never sexually motivated by our activities, it can’t be the reason she felt something wasn’t there.

So, after six years of being in our FLRD, apparently our power exchange provides us with context inside our relationship. It’s not that we couldn’t stay together if we stopped. There’s nothing that will separate us other than death. But we were happier when we practiced our FLRD and male chastity. This surprised both of us. We were also confused by this.

All I can say is that something that began because it turned me on (it still turns me on), evolved into something deeper and more profound. As weird as it seems, we’re going to continue doing this the rest of our lives. Mrs. Lion, who never picked up a paddle before she met me, now considers it a necessary part of her life. It not only serves as a way of punishing me, it’s also a symbol of our power exchange. Even though we did it half in fun, there was something more profound behind our decision to hang a paddle at the entrance of our camper. We have to take it down when we travel and remember to put it up when we reach our destination. Mrs. Lion always remembers to do that.

It just goes to show that you can’t predict the twists and turns your life can take. I don’t think either of us would have guessed we’d end up this way. Mrs. Lion was sure that I wouldn’t want to continue with enforced male chastity for more than a few days after starting it. She was flabbergasted that we kept it up and adopted it into our relationship permanently. I think we were both surprised that our disciplinary relationship kept evolving. I’m not sure that I had a lot of faith that we would be able to sustain it. I don’t think Mrs. Lion was sure either. But we did. Whether anyone else does it or not, I am in a marriage where Mrs. Lion is in charge and I get punished when I do things I shouldn’t. I know that this will never change. I’m very happy about that.