Discovering, Not Searching

Since this blog is about male chastity and female dominance, I generally feel bound to limit my writing to topics directly related to sex and our various kinks. It’s easy to get the impression that Mrs. Lion and I spend our waking hours doing things related to this. Of course we don’t. We are very much like every other married couple. Even the seemingly extreme power exchange is virtually invisible to outsiders. What we do is comfortable for us. Yes, we test and move the limits. But we do it in a way that feels safe. It does because we both know that the most important thing is our love for each other. We tend to take this for granted.

Every so often something reminds me that the way we manage things is fairly unusual. One blogger I read is a middle-aged woman who has spent years searching for a younger, submissive male she can have for a life partner. She trolls the usual Internet chat rooms and forums. Apparently her profile is provocative enough to draw a lot of responses. Based on her writing, she is successful in getting what she feels she needs. Her writing is literate and witty. Her insights and advice to others seems right on target as far as I can tell. But yet, her search continues with disappointing results.

I can understand why she makes the need for her prospective mates to be submissive to her. The longer her search goes on, the more she is convinced that his submissive qualities are the most important factor in a prospective relationship. This isn’t unusual. I know a lot of people from New York who went on similar quests. They always ended up disappointed. The relationships would burn hot for a year or less and then the flame would die. I think the reason for this is pretty obvious. BDSM, male chastity, and female led relationships are constructs rooted in sex. Even though the activities can go on 24/7, they don’t have the depth to meet a couple’s deeper, human needs.

In my former life, I was lucky enough to meet lots of people who are successful pursuing power exchanges and happy relationships. Without exception, every one of them met and fell in love with the objective of finding a wonderful mate. Some of them got into BDSM sometime after they were together. Others started soon after they decided they cared for each other. I think the key was that the pursuit of a partner wasn’t based on finding the perfect submissive or dominant. It was much more conventional.

This was true of Mrs. Lion and I. My story began when after nearly 15 years of marriage I realized that my wife and I weren’t relating so much as a couple. We were parents and sex partners. We stopped being best friends. I also discovered my interest in BDSM thanks to the Internet. I wanted to be spanked. I didn’t have any more advanced ideas other than the fact I thought it would be hot to get a spanking. I asked my wife if she would do it. She gave me a funny look and said, “No way,” in a soft-but-very-definite way. Something happened inside me at that moment.

I don’t know what I expected. I didn’t have any fantasies about her pulling down my pants and putting me over her knee. I just figured we could talk about it and try it is a form of foreplay. She wasn’t a prude. We had every sort of sex. She never talked about it. But one way or another, we would end up having sexual fun. One night, she spooned into me rubbing her naked butt against my penis. Eventually I took the hint, and I entered her anally. From then on, when she was in the mood for this sort of sex, she would spoon me in that way. We never said a word about it. Sex was something we did but never discussed.

Anyway, after her dismissal of my desire to be spanked I realized that there was a lot more wrong than I wanted to admit. I became consciously aware of how we grew apart. Within a year we were separated and divorced. Obviously, there were bigger problems than an unspanked rear end. Her refusal without discussion built a wall I couldn’t break down. In our case, trying to inject BDSM was the straw that broke our marriage.

After the divorce, I had a series of relationships, most included a healthy dose of spanking and other play. I realized that I could be far more successful attracting a female if I did the spanking instead of receiving it. I guess BDSM is largely transactional. So, I spent many years as a top/dominant (that’s a bad word -“dominant” is an adjective, not a noun). Anyway, lots of females sought my attention. I had a lot of fun. I even got spanked sometimes. Contrary to what you read on the Internet, tops frequently switched and topped each other. One of my favorite partners is a famous author in the BDSM world. Her books have sold endlessly for many years. We would meet at BDSM events and take turns topping and bottoming. At one event I would top her; at the next she would top me. It was a lot of fun. I never switched with the women who sought me out as a top.

Anyway, I ended up with a woman who wanted to be a “slave”. She wanted me to own her. In exchange, she would provide me not only with sex, but with all the domestic services needed to maintain my household. The idea of this sort of situation appealed to me. I agreed. We spent about 10 years together. Somewhere along the line, it became tiring to always be in charge. I really wasn’t all that interested in inspecting each task she completed. She was beautiful and the sex was great. She was also a really good person who I enjoyed. The problem was that I wanted more of a conventional relationship and she wanted to keep up in her role. She tried all sorts of ways to rationalize this. She understood what I wanted. But in the end she just couldn’t do it.

Shortly before she moved out, and quite a while after we had stopped any sort of sexual activity, I met Mrs. Lion through an online dating site. At that point in time all I wanted was sex. I wasn’t thinking about being spanked or spanking anyone. I didn’t want the stress and turmoil I’d gone through in my 24/7 master/slave living situation. I visualized a peaceful, loving physical relationship. I dreamt of a calm, happy partnership that felt comfortable and warm. I imagined myself snuggled in a comfortable bed under a warm comforter with her beside me.

At the time I put my profile into this dating site, I wasn’t particularly interested in trying to find that comfortable relationship. I was horny and thought it would be very nice to find someone who also wanted sex. As it turned out, Mrs. Lion was looking for exactly the same thing. Her marriage had deteriorated some time ago and she just wanted a man who would want her and want to make love to her.

See? Sometimes you can find exactly the right person online. I think the key in our case was that neither of us had a complex set of requirements we were trying to fill. I wasn’t looking for that dominant woman who would spank me and make me do all sorts of sexy things. I told myself that I was perfectly happy to give that all up if I could have the warmth and peace I dreamt about. At the time, I figured that sooner or later I might find such a great relationship, but for now nice fucking would be fun.

Mrs. Lion and I chatted through emails for a while; actually not very long. I don’t know how the subject came up but somehow it turned to anal sex. If Mrs. Lion hadn’t reminded me recently that that was the way we started, I would’ve never remembered. I’ve never considered anal sex a priority. I thought of it as a fun diversion, but never the main course. But for some reason, we apparently wrote to each other about it and decided that would be what we did the first time we were together.

All I remember about that initial meeting was that we met in the motel; both of us still had former partners living with us. We met in the parking lot and I went into the office and got a room. We walked together to the room without a word. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but within a very short time were both naked and she was on the bed on her knees, butt in the air and me standing behind her. I remember that it felt really good being inside her. I don’t remember that it was her butt and not her vagina.

In any case, we had fun. We lay on the bed together afterward. I do remember that. And we snuggled a bit and talk. We got dressed. Got in our cars, and drove home. I loved it. I hoped she did to because that want to do it again. We did do it again once or twice a week for a while. When my former slave finally departed, Mrs. Lion would come to my house. We still had lots of sex, but we also had the time and space to just relate to one another. In those days she had a job delivering newspapers.

When she stayed over with me, she would have to wake up at about 1 AM and drive back to our old neighborhood, pick up the papers and make deliveries. I hated when she had to go. At some point along the line, I asked her she could just stay. She did. We both realized that we were much happier when we were together. It was a simple as that.

Somewhere in this time period, I mentioned my interest in being topped. I didn’t feel any desperate need for it, but it was something I had been thinking about. I think I told her during the time we were renting motel rooms. I do remember the first time she tried to spank me. I laid down on my stomach in the middle of the motel bed. Mrs. Lion knelt beside me and gave me my first lioness spanking. I could barely feel her hand at it gently swatted me. It was very sweet. I realized that doing this to me crossed the line she had never considered before. Afterward, we talked about it a little and she agreed she’d try harder next time.

This story isn’t about how she improved as my top. Obviously, she got great at it. It’s about the fact that we started out together with absolutely no expectations beyond getting laid. A friendship and love developed between us that had no transactional conditions. I loved her whether or not she would spank me.

That’s the key. There’s a very big difference between searching and discovering. When you search for something you have a set of requirements and you are trying to find whatever it is that meets those requirements. Our middle-aged, female blogger has a very large set of requirements. That means she has to do an awful lot of searching to find someone that will meet most of them. Almost certainly along the line, she passed up on someone would’ve been perfect for her. He may have been too old; she wants a much younger man. He may not have been particularly expressive about submitting to her. He may have been too anxious.

He didn’t check enough boxes on her requirements. If I had approached my search in a similar way, my profile would’ve contained a list of things I was looking for. Mrs. Lion would have walked right past me. She couldn’t check any of the boxes. Fortunately, I was smart enough to realize that my efforts at finding someone who would be perfect for me hadn’t been very successful. I decided I just wanted to keep things simple. So instead of searching, I simply expressed my single desire: sex. I figured that would be enough for now.

I’d like to claim that I’m brilliant at relationships. I’d like to tell you that all along I was very sure this is the best way to go. I’d be lying. I was horny and sick of jerking off. I wanted to be with a woman who I can have sex with and then snuggle comfortably. That’s it. Well it worked. I got laid on a regular basis and ended up with my best friend and mate. I was lucky. It was absolutely a case of right place and right time. It would’ve been so easy to blow this.

My advice is to consider our story. I don’t think it’s that unusual. The moral is that the longer the list of requirements, the lower the probability of finding something that will make you happy. I’m convinced that I really had no idea what I needed to do. All I knew was I was horny, lonely, and sick of drama. All the other stuff that I think is important to me got put aside. What if Mrs. Lion, like my ex-wife, refused to spank me. Would I have gone back to the dating website?

The answer is a firm No. I had resolved that peaceful love was much more important than the spanked bottom. It was a good decision. Over time, I learned that my need to bottom is much deeper than I thought. We went through periods of time we didn’t play at all. I didn’t go into a deep depression or consider finding someone who would play with me. But I wasn’t as happy as I could be. Mrs. Lion noticed that. So, she included topping me as part of our marriage. It made me very happy. I think that made her happy.

Does that mean I was lucky? Sure, it does. Is this an unusual story? Not so much. The difference between us and our frustrated dominant blogger is that we put each other first right from the start. There were no requirements that had to be met. We only needed to feel that special kind of love. We didn’t let other things blur this most important requirement. We had no list. I had no special physical type. I just wanted to feel warm and loved.

I do. And, I get a sore bottom is a bonus.