Maybe It’s Not About Sex

When you write a blog you get to decide exactly what you want to reveal. Since our blog is a journal that sticks to facts about our lives, I feel that it’s fair to talk about more than just our sex life. Every couple has to confront and overcome challenges throughout a relationship. It’s impossible to avoid bumps in the road. I’m very lucky. Mrs. Lion always wants to work with me.

Over the years we have been writing, Mrs. Lion lost her interest in sex. That’s pretty ironic considering we have a sex blog, but it’s what happened. We settled into a pattern of Mrs. Lion providing me with sex. Our power exchanges made this easier than it might be if we were a vanilla couple. As she’s written, Mrs. Lion is comfortable with this arrangement. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult. Part of the discomfort is certainly based on my feelings of guilt for not being able to reciprocate. Part of it is also missing the pure fun of giving my partner pleasure.

Sex is more than getting off. Even with Mrs. Lion being completely happy providing me with orgasms, I feel a sense of loss. I realize that this is almost the exact opposite of what happens in most marriages where one partner loses interest in sex. When that happens, the partner still interested in sex is deprived of pleasure. Most people who don’t want sex aren’t as generous as Mrs. Lion.

What if she can’t work out a way to want sex? That’s a very real possibility. Does that mean that I’ll continue to feel bad and it will drive a wedge between us? It could. This may be something neither of us can control. Maybe we have to get more creative. It would be completely unfair to lay the burden on her. It isn’t as though Mrs. Lion doesn’t want to like sex. Her interest just evaporated.

It occurs to me that there could be workarounds. I realize that I had hoped some of the things she could do to me would be fun for her. For example, if she enjoyed spanking me, it would be a way I can give her pleasure. I don’t think it’s that I need to give her orgasms in order for me to feel happier. I want to know that if I can’t give her pleasure directly, she can have fun doing things with me.

This is a little tricky. Women I’ve known who enjoy delivering spankings, for example, find it sexually exciting when they paddle a man’s butt. Similarly, they might get excited about doing CBT. Generally, activities like this manifest as arousal. Since arousal is off the table, I wonder if there are some other ways Mrs. Lion can feel and express pleasure.

I know she loves me. She says she enjoys teasing me and getting me off. It’s hard for me to believe that. I’m not being difficult. It’s just that there are signals that I interpret to let me know when something is fun. A big one is when someone tries to initiate an activity because they like it. This all comes down to something as silly as semantics. If Mrs. Lion says, “Do you want to play?” I interpret this as her trying to satisfy an obligation she feels. In my mind what I hear is that she is telling me, “If you want to play, I’ll do it.”

I don’t interpret that as an expression of a desire to have fun. More often than not, I feel a little pang of sadness when she asks me. I say yes because I do want to play. I just feel sad that the only reason we are doing it is that I want it. Yes, it’s an expression of love and I appreciate that. There is a not-so-subtle issue. It’s one way. Maybe it’s unrealistic for me to expect, but I would think that if Mrs. Lion enjoyed something, she might say, “I want to play. Are you up for it?” The same thing happens with our spanking games. If I don’t initiate, we don’t play. Mrs. Lion agreed that she really should decide when we play. In a sense she does; she can always say no.

The problem may not be one-way sex. It may be far larger. In a way, it feels like it’s one-way everything. The thing about sex is that if I’m doing a good job, Mrs. Lion will let me know. She can’t help it. That’s not true of anything else we do. It may not be about sex at all. As difficult as it is to say, it may be about active expressions of pleasure. The only time I can find out if Mrs. Lion enjoys something is if I ask her directly. Even then, her answers are generally indefinite. Orgasms are never indefinite. It would be really wonderful if Mrs. Lion could get her libido back. I would love that. I think it’s more important maybe that she understand the wider issue. I’m not saying it’s her fault. I just think we have to find a way to fix it.

Listen to this post.