It’s probably no surprise that I’m having trouble asking for sex. That’s been my problem forever. Yes, I understand that this is an exercise, and I will be refused. Why isn’t that comforting? It’s just what every guy wants, to get turned down for sex. My current problem is more basic: How do I ask for sex?
Do I say, “Hey sweetie, how about some sex?” No, I can’t do that. “Want to play with me?” That makes my skin crawl. I can’t sing the song if I don’t know the words. I’ve been running ideas through my head since Mrs. Lion agreed it would be a good idea to try the exercise. A Twitter reader suggested that I ask for sex twice a day for ten days to remove the sting of refusal. Mrs. Lion would refuse each time. The idea was that I would learn it was no big deal, and Mrs. Lion would get comfortable saying no to me. You can read the full text here.
Seems simple enough, right? It isn’t proving to be. Mrs. Lion isn’t very helpful when I ask her how I should ask for sex. Am I supposed to know? I don’t think I ever asked. Sex just evolved most of the time. Other times, the woman initiated. Maybe she got frustrated waiting for me to start.
When it comes to sex, the cards are stacked against us. Since Mrs. Lion isn’t interested, there is no mutually good time to relieve our mutual horniness. She doesn’t get horny. That fact makes my side of the equation close to impossible. Any sex for me is an imposition. It’s a favor. That doesn’t feel good to me. So, even when Mrs. Lion is kind enough to provide sex, I’m feeling guilty before she starts. Hot stuff, huh?
There we are. Mrs. Lion feels a little achy and tired, but she’s willing to power through to edge me or milk me. I’m well aware that she would much rather be doing something else. I’ve put off sex for at least ten days, and I’m starting to wonder if I will lose interest entirely. Isn’t this a great setting for really hot stuff?
We used to play some BDSM games like Spankardy or Box O’Fun. That was a sort of ice breaker. That doesn’t happen anymore. It comes down to Mrs. Lion slowly moving to my side of the bed and playing with my cock. After a short while, she asks, “Want to move across the bed?” That’s code for getting into position for a blow job. Predictably, my answer is “Yes!” Then, I move into position, and Mrs. Lion gives me some oral attention.
It’s very good, of course. Mrs. Lion is very good with her mouth. It’s difficult for me to fully enjoy it because I know I’m keeping her away from her iPad. You can see why I’m not all that excited about asking for sex, refusal or not.
There’s no question that we love one another. We are completely devoted. That’s not the point. There’s no sexy talk or laughing about sex. Why should there be? She has no real interest in it. I get the strongest sense that the best thing would be for me to avoid anything sexual with her. No guilt for me and no painful blow jobs for her.
We would still have our domestic discipline. Spanking me seems to be a lot easier for her than getting into sex. Could I be happy without sex? Should Mrs. Lion let me masturbate? If she does, would I get any pleasure from it? I doubt I would. I was not fond of it much eight years ago when I was jerking off. I do like sex. I am hopelessly heterosexual. Sex for me goes beyond my penis. That might be one reason I’m not feeling so good about the sex I do get.
It turns out that workarounds only go so far. I met Mrs. Lion because she had been on a quest for a sexual partner. She was in a very unhappy marriage. She never articulated the full reason for it, but she needed to find a man, if only for a quick fling. Before we met, she made at least one long trip in the hopes of a tryst. Fortunately, we met less than an hour from her house.
I was at the end of a ten-year master/slave relationship. I was tired of the 24/7 BDSM expectations. For the record, it wasn’t even close to 24/7 BDSM. Most of the time, we were a normal couple. We didn’t have enough in common beyond the BDSM. I wanted an uncomplicated, peaceful relationship. When we met online, I was really horny and lonely. I suspect that Mrs. Lion was too.
It had to be the most superficial reason that two people ever met. We found something in each other that was completely unexpected. We fell in love. Our relationship has survived and flourished despite the sexual issue shows how deep our love is.
Most problems, if left untreated, tend to get worse. The sexual gap between us has slowly widened. Obviously, Mrs. Lion isn’t going to get her libido back magically. Something has to change. I’m not just talking about providing me with a richer sex life. I’m also talking about replacing the lost physical intimacy. I know it won’t get as bad as it was for each of us before we met. We are soul mates and need each other as much as we need air. But happiness is suffering. I can feel it fade. BDSM, orgasm control and domestic discipline won’t fix the problem. We need to find something else.
|
|
You need to find a common interest to explore or do. Complete a huge project together. Go to Rome together (if that’s something you always wanted to do). Whatever it is, it needs to be beyond your ordinary humdrum separate activities and put you back together.
A formula for asking for sex might be: (Compliment + Declaration of desire + Query) = Sexual Overture. For example, “You’re pretty. I’m attracted to you. Wanna fool around?” However, I agree with you that there is something awkward about asking directly for sex, especially out of the blue, out of context. I think a less pressurized overture would be to ask for minor sexual favors like a kiss or a grope: “Thanks for making the coffee, Sweetie. You know, I’ve always thought you have a great smile. Yeah, that’s it. How about a coffee kiss?”
I also think maybe this asking-for-sex-practice is more useful as a why-is-this-difficult prompt than as a desensitization-to-the-sting-of-rejection exercise. The sting of rejection seems related, but not exactly your issue.
You make some good points. I agree that my issue isn’t really sting of rejection. I don’t know why it is so hard to ask.I did ask last night in a playful way. Mrs. Lion said “No,” but my feelings weren’t hurt at all.
In my opinion, Clarence offered an interesting solution, but as always there is one “BUT”. But now is not the best time to travel due to the damn coronavirus.