Yesterday, my post was about the advice I would give as a sex therapist to a couple where the man would like to play with male chastity. I didn’t talk about why a man would want this. I’m sure it’s especially puzzling to a woman when this subject is introduced. I think it would be helpful to look at male sexuality in general.
There is a big difference between the male and female approach to sex. Yes, both sexes like it. Orgasms are great fun to both men and women. The conversation usually ends at this point. It isn’t necessary to delve deeper for most people. Sexual incompatibilities usually center around one partner wanting more sex than the other. The word “sex” in this context is more accurately described as “orgasms.” Negotiating an acceptable compromise is a major task for anyone trying to fix this problem.
That doesn’t go near one of the biggest sexual differences between men and women. Men are genetically driven to ejaculate every time they have sex. All male mammals are in heat almost all of the time. Females, other than primates, only go into heat when they are in estrus, able to be impregnated. At those times, they are as driven to mate as the males. Nature avoids sexual chaos by programming the males so that they don’t go crazy for sex until they smell a female in heat. The important distinction is that females are only interested in sex when they are in estrus. A male is ready anytime he smells a female in heat.
Primates are different. Sex isn’t just for reproduction. It’s also for communication and bonding between mates. The fundamental distinction is that male humans are as drive to ejaculation as their lower-order brothers. We are programmed to eject semen every time we are sexually stimulated. Women want and enjoy orgasms but are built to enjoy sex without a happy ending. I’m not claiming that women don’t want to come. They certainly do. They don’t share the same urgency we males feel.
Male chastity, especially when accompanied by edging, is very difficult for most of us to accept. Left on our own, we would probably masturbate after an edging session at the first available opportunity. When women understand this, they can very effectively play the male chastity game. They can also understand why a male chastity device is an important training aid.
Yesterday, I suggested moving masturbation into the light as a useful introduction to orgasm control. Both sexes generally think of masturbation as a private behavior. You only do it when alone and undisturbed. On some level, most of us are embarrassed when someone learns we masturbate. Most people even hide it from their sexual partners. Why?
Maybe there is concern that the partner will disapprove. I won’t go into the myriad religious and social conventions that teach us that it’s wrong to masturbate. Most of us bend those conventions to mean that it is wrong to get caught masturbating. Even kinky couples like Julie and David from strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com spank each other if caught masturbating. They are playing with the social taboo, but it illustrates my point. It isn’t wrong to jerk off. It’s wrong to get caught.
Mrs. Lion considers masturbation as a form of sexual cheating. She believes that our marriage vows say that she owns all of my orgasms. I own all of hers too. Masturbating is having an orgasm with someone else. When I asked her to lock me in a male chastity device, she wanted to know why. I told her that it would prevent me from masturbating. She was very surprised. She had no idea I jerked off. When I told her that I did it a couple of times a week, she was upset. Her first rule for me was that I could never masturbate again. The male chastity device stayed on for three years. It came off for a while when I had shoulder surgery and went right back on afterward.
Wearing the device assured her I couldn’t get myself off. After all those years, I was conditioned not to masturbate. I’m not suggesting that every couple do the same. My suggestion is that sex of any kind always be performed when the partners are together. If there is separation due to travel, then separate masturbation is allowed only if openly discussed by both partners.
Secret sex is cheating. It’s that simple. If male masturbation is permitted, I suggest it is only performed in front of the other partner. Sex is private for a couple. It should never be hidden from a sexual partner. That’s our rule. I haven’t jerked off since January 2014. For the record, I did it while Mrs. Lion watched.
There is one other significant sexual difference between men and women. It may explain why men sneak off and masturbate. Many men react negatively to being horny. This is particularly true of young men in their 20’s and 30’s. When they feel frustrated, they get grumpy. I know this was true of me. At the time, I wasn’t aware that I behaved this way. This is another instinctive behavior. Male mammals get aggressive when they sense a female in heat. Human males become irritable and argumentative.
I had a girlfriend back when I was in my twenties who understood this. She never talked about it with me, but she got me alone at the earliest opportunity and got me off when I was out of sorts. If she weren’t interested in fucking, she would give me a handjob or oral sex. It worked every time. I felt happier when she finished.
As I aged, the change in my behavior was much more subdued. An orgasm still worked to cheer me up. We, males, are simple critters. Frequently, marital arguments can be averted with a simple handjob. Male chastity flies in the face of this. One reason it won’t work for more than a weekend for the vast majority of men is that they become insufferable if they get too horny. Others, like me, learned to substitute cock teasing for orgasms. A nice edging session is just as satisfying to me as an ejaculation.
Maybe sneaking off and jerking off to porn is a way of sustaining emotional balance. I suspect it is for many guys. Moving this behavior into the bedroom with his partner present is a much better solution. When a woman understands how we males change when in heat, they can easily cure our moodiness and have fun at the same time.
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The best explanation I’ve heard of the difference between the male and female sex drive, and I wish I could remember which comedian said it, is that yes, both men and women want the same thing, but it’s like the difference between firing a bullet from a gun as opposed to just throwing it.