Recently, Mrs. Lion commented about me being a “toddler.” I decided to ignore the disparaging nature of the noun and ask her what she meant. She said that I wanted things when I wanted them (demanding, I guess), I had to ask where things were, even when right in front of my nose, and that I needed a lot of attention when sick.
She went on to say that other women said the same things about their husbands. They referred to their men as one of their kids. Apparently, this is a fairly common way that women talk about their husbands. That prompted me to ask a more pointed question: If we are considered children, how could you marry us? Women say that they want men who are independent and strong (take charge).
Mrs. Lion’s reply was that maybe women expected all men to be children in some respects and that they didn’t disqualify potential mates based on those criteria. That’s my rewording of her reply.
maternal doean’t always mean mommy
My interpretation is a bit different. We are complex creatures. I’m pretty sure that most women don’t want mates who treat them as less than equals. I’m also sure that most don’t want men who expect their wives to make all of the decisions. In other words, most women probably hate the idea of a mate who is a real child and needs her to be his mommy.
This is where I think most of us get confused. Mrs. Lion accepts my difficulty finding things and my need for lots of TLC when sick. She dislikes it when I’m demanding but sees it as part of my male character and accepts it. She likes that I make many of our decisions, take care of most finances, and am an active partner. In other words, she accepts a maternal role in some areas of our lives. This has worked smoothly for two decades.
it’s much more than a joke
She jokingly refers to her maternal role with me when talking with other women. She doesn’t consider my role as paternal in the other areas of our lives. I could argue that it is for the same reason she considers me a toddler. I wouldn’t label it as paternal. I consider it a sharing of responsibilities between partners. I also consider the extra care I need when sick or help to find things as expressions of love. They are also maternal.
I don’t think she feels there is anything wrong with her mommy role at those times. I would be surprised if any woman would. When not in a joking context, the thought of a mate as a child is probably upsetting. I doubt many women wanted to marry a kid they would have to mother for life.
When we begin discussing domestic discipline, we are talking about maternal authority. It isn’t the same as a mother with a child, but we don’t have the vocabulary to make the distinction. There is no word to describe the loving authority of a wife over her husband. It resembles the way a mother disciplines a child, so we label it as maternal. I don’t think it has the same meaning in this context.
The maternal authority of a mother over her child isn’t consensual. It is expected based on the immaturity of a child and his need for loving guidance to grow up as a happy, productive adult.
Maternal authority in a marriage is very different. It’s consensual. The two partners negotiate what this authority covers and how discipline is enforced. The scope of this can be very small or span a larger area of their lives. The boundaries are defined. Consent can always be revoked.
Once both partners understand the scope, the next consideration is how to actually execute this new authority. The most natural way is by some version of maternal authority. If we agree that adult maternal authority isn’t the all-encompassing authority of a mother over a child, we can redefine it in terms of how a wife asserts authority over her husband.
The scope is limited by the agreement made during negotiation. This will be reviewed and modified as needed. The application of the wifely authority is maternal. That means it is given with love and a desire to help her mate improve. Maternal means loving with a firm, even-strict hand.
Mrs. Lion enforces her rules with a paddle. If I do something that she considers wrong in the context of our agreed scope, she punishes me. I have agreed that she can punish me in any manner she feels appropriate. So far that has been by spanking me. She exercises loving, maternal authority as she sees fit.
I still pay the bills. I still provide general leadership in our marriage. She still takes care of me when I’m sick and helps me find things that are under my nose. If I’m demanding, she might punish me or indulge me. It’s her choice. She still has trouble punishing me when I piss her off. That is well within the agreed scope of her authority. Sometimes she snarls at me when I do. That’s a good thing.
It seems to me that maternal authority is a style of management within the consensual scope of a disciplinary marriage. It doesn’t imply that my mate is my mother. It means that she has my agreement that she can exercise her authority when she wants me to learn something or when I disregard her feelings. In our relationship, my corrections are administered with a paddle. She does them with love and a real desire to make me a happier husband.
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