I’m the Broken One

Lion has postulated that perhaps I don’t let myself enjoy punishing him. In a few conversations I told him I don’t consciously keep myself from enjoying it. He thinks maybe I feel it’s wrong to punish him. Again, I don’t think so. But then this morning I was thinking of a few recent incidents.

During one of our rare snowstorms, I noticed the truck didn’t seem to be tracking well. It has over 50,000 miles on it so it stands to reason the tires are worn. I mentioned it to Lion. He said we’d get new tires. At my last oil change the tires were getting into the yellow. I mentioned it to Lion. He said we’d get new tires. The other day, when it was raining, I stopped for gas and just happened to think about the tires again. Not that they’re bald, but at least one is very close to the wear bar. It makes sense to get them since we’re about to tow the summer home around for a few trips. I started looking for tires.

Knowing that we play a game of slip and slide on the lawn getting the trailer in and out, I thought we needed beefier tread. The tread would help in the snow too. When I looked for tires, I was basing it on tread and price. Lion preferred the brand that came with the truck. All I know about tires is that off road is louder on a highway than on road tires, off road tires tend to wear faster, and the tires on the truck right now are all terrain. Yesterday morning, Lion said he ordered tires for me. He checked the ratings. They are the brand that came with the truck. They are mud and snow. They look like car tires. I was less than enthusiastic about them. He knew I wanted beefier tread. So what did I do? I agreed to the tires. The thing is, when I got in the truck to head home, I noticed that my tires are very similar to the tires he picked out. They may be all terrain but the terrain is not true off road. I already knew I didn’t want true off road tires anyway.

Yesterday afternoon, Lion noticed that his plants needed water. One of them was wilted. He was upset that I hadn’t watered them and I must not have because one was wilted. I had watered them. Not possible. It was wilted. And the conversation quickly morphed into something else. Well I had watered them. That plant was wilted before it ever needed watering. I didn’t tell Lion because he was in pain/sleeping/recuperating from surgery. I was hurt that he jumped to conclusions and thought, absently, that he should be punished for it.

So what’s the big deal? Who cares what tires I get? Why does it matter that Lion was upset about a plant? They have one thing in common. I didn’t stand up for myself. If I want the tires I want, I should put my foot down. Why didn’t I? It boils down to not wanting to be wrong. If I get the beefier tires and they’re noisier on the highway, Lion will comment about the noisy tires. If I get beefier tires and they don’t last as long, Lion will say they didn’t last long because they were the wrong tires. If I don’t get the beefier tires and we play slip and slide across the lawn with the trailer, I’m less likely to point out that we got the wrong tires. No backbone. When Lion yelled about the plant that I knew I watered, I had the same affliction.

In my mind this had more to do with why I don’t enjoy punishment when I started writing. I think the bottom line is that I’m afraid to be wrong. About everything. I don’t like to stick my neck out for fear it will be chopped off. It’s not Lion’s fault. It all stems from upbringing and my ex. Even after all these years I have trouble getting past that. It turns out that Lion is not the broken one.