This Isn’t Easy

I realize that when I turn to discipline, you may decide you aren’t interested in this topic. After all, this blog is named for our original kink, enforced chastity. I continue to be locked 24/7 with release only for teasing and more and more infrequent orgasms. So, enforced chastity is certainly the kink du jour around here. We have expanded our relationship into FLR^*. For us, at least, it plays well with our enforced chastity. I hope that by sharing this new interest along with our ongoing chastity, you will gain better insight into us, and perhaps help us grow in our chosen lifestyle. In other words, please don’t go way. Stay and see what we are doing now.

Last night, a full 24 hours after my disciplinary spanking, my bottom still hurt. Mrs. Lion said it was still red. I asked her tot take a picture and you can see it to the right. I don’t mark easily. In fact, other spankings administered as part of D/S play never marked me for more than an hour or two. This persistent redness is a sure sign that Mrs. Lion really means business. Of course I could tell you that from how much it hurt. That is the entire point:of punishment: to provide consequences to any lapse in obedience or memory. As I wrote yesterday, I did manage to squirm away and made it difficult for Mrs. Lion to finish my punishment. As she wrote, in the future I will be secured to the bed so I can’t get away. She didn’t tie me down before because she knows I like bondage and punishment isn’t to be fun. However, she’s decided that I will certainly not like the bondage any more than the spanking next time I get one. This is truly domestic discipline and not BDSM play.

I like to read other blogs, particularly ones about female led relationships and enforced chastity. That makes sense since we have one of our own on the very same subjects. Most of what I find are “action” oriented. They recount events that fit the topic of the blog. Others attempt to impart wisdom or provide “rules” for FLR or chastity. While most of what I find just doesn’t seem to apply to us, I occasionally run across useful knowledge and touching accounts of other real life couples.

There seems to be a sort of pattern to the way we males initiate and react to power exchange. Bear in mind that full-time power exchange is exceedingly rare. Very few people even attempt it. Of those who do, only a tiny fraction keep it up for long. Years ago, photographer Barbara Nitke published Kiss of Fire. This book featured couples who practiced full-time domination and submission. Now these people were not practicing Master/Slave or FLR. They just had specific power exchanges that were key parts of their relationships.

The images are striking. Ironically, shortly after its publication, none of those couples were still together. This isn’t unusual in the BDSM community. This instability, I think, results from the one-dimensional relationships people form when power exchange is the main reason they are together. I did an informal survey some years ago. The average power-exchange-based relationship lasted less than two  years. Does that mean an established couple will break up after adding full-time power exchange? It’s a fair question. Based on what I see, they don’t. Instead, the couple gives up the power exchange.

It’s clear that people who really want a D/S relationship will become single-minded and overlook everything beyond their desired role. I’ve witnessed it many times. It’s a form of addictive drug. Once the inner need to dominate or submit surfaces, it takes over its host and becomes a central, visceral need. Like a drug, it causes the person to make poor choices; very often committing to a relationship that has no basis beyond the D/S orientation of the people. Like chocolate cake, D/S may taste good but it can’t keep you alive for long. So, after a relatively short time, those relationships fall apart.

When the people embarking on a power exchange are already a strong, committed couple, if the D/S (chastity, FLR, etc.) starts to sour, the couple generally remain together and just drop the power exchange. That’s why there are so many enforced chastity and FLR blogs that haven’t had a post in a  year or more; the practice didn’t work for the couple and they moved on. Sooner or later something is just going to be too much.

Power exchanges evolve. The initial drive that starts things moving, like enforced chastity for us, if it succeeds, will spawn new ideas. As Mrs. Lion and I successfully integrated enforced chastity into our lives, the idea of expanding her control seemed like a logical next step to me. I asked Mrs. Lion to try it. She agreed. This is evolution. But there’s a catch. Sooner or later, one partner is going to say, “Enough!” It just becomes too difficult to go on. In a relationship where the sole basis is the power exchange, this generally signals the end of the road. In an established couple, this can spell the end of all power exchange.

However, it isn’t inevitable that everything ends because one partner wants too much. The best thing to do is call a cease fire and sit down to a chat as equals. Remember, it may be fun to imagine that the power exchange is absolute, but it isn’t. It is all consensual. The conversation should cover what is working and what isn’t.

For example, when Mrs. Lion took me at my word and announced I would be given a list of things to do (housework!), I had a strong gut reaction. I didn’t want to go there! Mrs. Lion was willing to back down. We talked about it (a lot of it right here in our recent posts). I realized that I was frightened about losing control. Mrs. Lion was feeling unsure of herself and actually thought of giving me chores as a way to fill my time and distract me from being out of work. The power exchange wasn’t failing. We just needed to consider what was going on and then get back on course.

The result of the conversations is that I will be given chores. I will be punished for failing to complete them. Mrs. Lion is aware of the emotional risk and the potential for me to feel exploited and small. We will both remain alert for these unintended consequences and will adjust if they occur. What a lot of people don’t realize is that the dominant partner is taking a big emotional risk by pushing control. Mrs. Lion loves me and doesn’t want me to be hurt. She doesn’t want me to hate her. She wants me to be a happy lion. This inhibits her at times from doing what she knows would be right. It’s my job to help her understand that I will hate what is happening sometimes, but that I love her for doing emotionally risky things for my ultimate happiness. And, if things seem to be going off the rails, we call a truce, sit down and work things out.

After our talk last night, nothing changed, yet everything is different. I will be getting chores. Mrs. Lion will restrain me for punishment since I can’t seem to hold still. She will continue with her course of action. The difference is that she knows I am scared of the change. She also knows that I support her in increasing her control of me. She knows that I may hate what she is doing but I love her for caring enough to do it. We both know that we can call a time out at any time and re-center ourselves. A win-win for us and our power exchange.

^*FLR — Female Led Relationship where the woman has the authority and makes decisions for the family. In many cases, the woman also has the ability to discipline her partner as needed.