(Friday, May 30, 2014) There is no more important question in forced male chastity. The most common fantasy is that the keyholder demands that the male get locked into a chastity device (cage). The reality is that the vast majority of men practicing forced male chastity either lock themselves up or ask their partner to do it. If you are a lone male, you clearly don’t need to ask anyone. But if you are in a relationship, the question is more difficult. I suspect most males are like me; they have had hot fantasies about being locked up and controlled.
Since you can expect your partner to ask you why you want your penis in a cage, you should probably consider how you will answer. I think it is a mistake to give an account of your fantasies as your answer. I really couldn’t give a very good reason to Mrs. Lion when I asked her. I just said that it is something I have been thinking about for a long time and I find it a big turn on. Would she be interested in locking me up?
That prompted a lot of questions. I tried to answer as best I could. Since I have written a lot on the subject I had a pretty good idea how I thought it would work. I told her how I have always wanted to give up sexual control. She already knew that I like her to top me. After a brief chat, I was securely locked in. I know Mrs. Lion didn’t fully understand my expectations. The truth is, I didn’t understand either.
So, if you are ready to have that all-important chastity chat, I suggest you consider these points:
- Keep it simple. Talk about what you want her to do to start. Avoid going into great detail about how your chastity will evolve. Remember, once you are locked up, she decides what happens next, not you.
- Give her some suggestions on reading material. This site has a lot of useful information for a new keyholder. I suggest you steer her away from sites that feature solo males and fantasies. Nothing will scare off a new keyholder faster than the extreme fantasies you can find on the Web.
- Ask her what she thinks. Get her to talk about how she feels about what you propose.
- Let her know that once she agrees to lock you up, she decides what happens from then on. Make sure that she understands you aren’t leading.
- If she agrees, choose your cage together. It will be hard for her to feel ownership if you just present it all to her.
Be prepared for her to ask for time to consider your request. That’s a very good sign. Give her the time and space to decide how she wants to proceed. If you have been reading the Journal, you know that Mrs. Lion is evolving into her role as keyholder. It is new and not totally welcome in her busy life. Over time she is discovering the benefits to me, to her, and to us. In the beginning she agreed out of love for me and her understanding of my need for her control. Over the last few months, we are both discovering how forced chastity is enhancing our lives on multiple levels.
You and your partner will need the time too. I suspect that impatience kills more chastity opportunities than anything else. As the potential caged male, you should be grateful if she agrees to lock you up. Don’t pile on more requirements in the beginning. Remember, you have been thinking about being locked up for a long time. This is all new to her. It may take her several months to even approach the activities you dreamed about. If you can’t wait that long, you may end up never enjoying being caged. Above all, remember one key point: Your keyholder owns your cage and what lives inside it. She and only she decides what happens to it. That is the essence of forced male chastity. If you can’t accept that, you probably aren’t ready to ask her to lock you up.
Lion, my caged friend, you had me with you right until that last paragraph where I must respectfully disagree.
Assuming that you’re with the partner you’re with for the long haul, that is a spouse to whom your commitment and love run deeper than your need to be caged, then the real end game is that together as a couple you will decide what happens to your cock, the cage and between you. I think that the goal of long term chastity is a good one if that is what you find fulfilling but some keyholders never will reach a point where they ~want~ to be a long term keyholder. It may start as a weekend (or evening) of fun Tease and denial, but there is no guarantee that after a year it will ever be more. In a healthy relationship there will be give and take; she will do things that make her mildly uncomfy because you love them, and you’ll do things that make you mildly uncomfy because she loves them and all points in between.
Now, aside from that nitpick, I agree whole heartedly with the rest of your post, including the “know thine self” when you talk to your partner. Be prepared to answer questions about what you want out of this experience, how long you want it to last and be clear with what ~you~ desire as part of this. This is, after all, ~your~ kink and ~your~ idea. It’s also quite possible that you won’t match the “template” or “archetype” that she (or he) could find on the web so be prepared to explain what you want different.
I suppose my caution would be to know your wishes enough that when your new keyholder turns around, puts a stiletto heel on your balls and starts to stab down that you’ve done some due diligence to be sure she doesn’t say “what? I thought this was what you wanted” when in fact it is not. Ya know?
Since you can’t predict exactly what a keyholder will do, even out of love, there are some necessary safeguards. The most critical is the safe word. Agree on a word or phrase, that when spoken, instantly stops the action. In my experience, the problem is never with the top failing to honor the safe word. It’s with the bottom (caged male) who doesn’t want to be a wimp and allows things to go too far. As a former top, I have to say that the best advice I have to keyholder/tops is to understand the signs of distress and honor them even if no safe word is uttered. I will be writing more about these signs in the near future.
Absolutely agree. Safewords are BDSM 101. I was actually thinking about Dom Shock that follows the unexpected use of a safeword. A new Dominant can find that moment, the “oh crap, I pushed too hard, too far, too fast” incredibly disconcerting. I can only imagine how an otherwise vanilla Top might take that moment, especially if she (or he) isn’t coming to this completely on their own.