Advice for a new keyholder

When a couple starts out with enforced male chastity, the first question the new keyholder asks is, “How long do you want me to lock you up?” This is probably the last question he wants her to ask. After all, the entire point of enforced male chastity is that the male loses control of when he gets to ejaculate. His keyholder owns that decision.

There have been lots of suggestions as to how to determine this. There are even websites that will give you a random number representing the number of days until the next orgasm. Generally, the guy give some indication of how long he thinks he should wait. Despite what you may have heard, there is no right answer to this question. There is also no such thing as “blue balls”. A man can wait as long as necessary without any physical harm.

Having said that, maybe we can try a creative way to determine how long that wait should be. How about the penis length method? With this method, having a big cock can be a disadvantage. Here’s how it works: Get him as hard as you can. Measure his penis. If you live in the United States, make him wait one day for every inch of length. If you live in a metric system country, it’s a centimeter for each day. If you live in the United States and want to be especially mean, go metric.

As you can see in the picture of my cock (left), I measure 6 inches long. That would make my American wait six days between orgasms. If we follow the metric system, that would be 15.24 cm. As everyone knows, when calculating orgasm spacing, you always round up. That means my Canadian brothers of equal penis size would be waiting 16 days.

Of course, a clever keyholder will realize that for one reason or another she might want to double or even triple the penis-size-calculated wait to a multiple of the actual measurement. I like this system because the male is actually determining how long he waits. Ironic, eh (or Ay as they say in the metric country to our north)?

This method is as good as any other to get you started. Mrs. Lion doesn’t need any system. I have absolutely no idea how she calculates when it’s time for me to erupt. Often, even she doesn’t know when. Her current system is to stimulate me until she decides to stop. If I happen to erupt before she’s through, so much the better. If not, there’s always tomorrow.

Another approach is the pseudo-health calculation. Some women have decided that male orgasm spacing should be based on a healthy interval that allows him to keep his energy without getting so frustrated he would become distracted. I have no idea where these women come came up with their numbers, but a bunch of them have independently suggested the same wait time.

They suggest that it is completely unnecessary for a male to ejaculate more than once every 7 to 10 days.I have no idea why they believe this. Perhaps it’s because once a week is all they want to deal with. In any case, this turns out to be about my average. In 2019 my average wait was 6.8 days. This is very close to the “healthy” wait time suggested by these bloggers. In 2018 my time was 6.2 days. Over the last couple of months, my average is closer to 10 days. Maybe they knew something I didn’t by suggesting 7 to 10 days. Without trying, it seems to be working for us.

Of course, everyone is different. The problem is that when you first start out, you have no idea what might work for you. I suggest the penis-length method. It’s fun and is almost guaranteed to come out with a number of around a week. The consensus seems to be this is a good starting point.

I know that most of the people who read this are men who are want to be caged. I suggest you show this post to your prospective keyholder. It represents a reasonable and lighthearted approach to a subject that causes much more trouble than it’s worth.

Lion's penis in Cherrykeeper chastity device

Putting it into action
Okay, now you have some ideas on how to decide on how long he has to wait between orgasms. Actually implementing this sometimes causes anxiety and can result in a potential keyholder giving up before even starting.

it’s best not to discuss how you decide on wait time. Your caged male, once you are in charge, doesn’t really want to be consulted. A lot of guys enjoy a little humiliation along with frustration. If your guy is one of them, you might want to use my penis size to determine his wait. If you tell him to go to the site and find out how long my penis is and then tell him he gets a day for every inch (or centimeter), it will probably be a little bit embarrassing for him. Or, you can get him nice and hard and measure his penis. Then you can explain why you did it. With an evil smile, you can tell him his wait is X days.

As a matter of good practice, regardless of what he says, keep his initial wait time less than two weeks. A shorter time is helpful because it gives him a chance to get used to being caged, and it gives you a chance to establish a rhythm.

Mrs. Lion jerking me off

When Mrs. Lion and I started out, she agreed to unlock me and masturbate me to the edge of orgasm (usually six or seven times) at least once every two days. This routine is helpful because it gives you a chance to inspect him to be sure there is no irritation, and when you edge him you keep his sexual hormones flowing strongly. This will make it much more difficult for him to last until the day you decide to let him ejaculate.

This frequent teasing makes the game a lot more fun for him, especially if you don’t let him know when he is finally going to get his chance to come. This is how Mrs. Lion plays the game. I never know if she is going to continue stimulating me until I have an orgasm, or if she is going to stop, leaving me hanging. Obviously, almost all of the time I’m left hanging. When I get soft, she puts me back in my cage for another day or two.

That’s how we do it. Of course, you can come up with your own method. Even if you start doing it our way, over time you will probably develop an individual style that suits both of you. The important thing is not to quit. That’s why it’s a good idea to write a simple contract where you both promise to keep going for a certain amount of time. Our contract was for six months. Other people, will choose one or two months. It doesn’t matter. What counts is that you’ve committed to this and will continue long enough to find out if living this way is what you want.

Over the years, my views of enforced male chastity have, shall we say, matured. I’m not sure that’s a fair way to characterize them. The simple fact is that there is no proper way to practice this. This is in sharp contrast to other BDSM practices. I know, you may not consider enforced male chastity to be part of BDSM. Since it involves penis bondage, and bondage is part of BDSM, the practice reasonably can fall into the same category.

A lot of the activities in BDSM require skill. It’s true that most of the toys can be used without any formal training. However, if they are going to be used with any intensity, training is important to prevent injury. Safety is the number one priority in any activity that can hurt another person (or yourself).

Wearing a chastity device isn’t particularly dangerous. If it’s incorrectly sized it can cause irritation and even cause edema of the penis. But if the wearer lets his body tell him when something’s wrong, the device can come off and no real damage is done. I have a few pages on this sIte that may be helpful in getting a correctly-sized device. I suggest you explore the menu for these options.

In BDSM it’s very rare to find people who get hurt. Most practitioners are very careful about going too far. What happens more frequently is that people abandon the practice because it doesn’t work for them. This is the same issue with enforced male chastity. Very often, if the people had good information and some simple training, they may have discovered that they gave something up they might actually enjoy.

Based on what I’ve seen, a lot of men when exposed to the idea of wearing a chastity device, get aroused. There’s something very sexy about penis bondage. Many are turned off by the idea that they lose control of their ability to ejaculate. For some reason, a lot of people have the idea that enforced male chastity is an all-or-nothing kink. They believe that once a device is locked on their sexual pleasure is no longer considered by the keyholder.

The mythology supports this concept. The reality couldn’t be further from this. Think about another practice: spanking. A very large percentage of adults fantasize about spanking and being spanked. The people who do the spanking don’t just beat their partners into a black and blue pulp. They spend a lot of time making sure that the person getting the spanking is happy with the intensity. Even punishment spankings are limited by the ability of the punished person to handle the pain.

There’s a very good reason for this: If you want a person to come back for more, he needs to leave as a satisfied customer. This is true of absolutely everything along the BDSM spectrum. All activities are consensual. Tops honor the limits of bottoms. Yet, for some reason, guys think that these concepts don’t apply to enforced male chastity. Despite all the silly pictures of beautiful half naked women supposedly saying that now they’ve got you locked up you’ll never get out again, it’s absolute nonsense.

As in everything else in BDSM, the bottom controls how far things go. When it comes to enforced male chastity, I like the idea of being forced to get very horny and frustrated. If I ever get to the point that I’m genuinely unhappy about my enforced abstinence, I know that Mrs. Lion will provide me with enjoyable release. A lot of the excitement about power exchanges comes from imagining the complete surrender of control. It’s never true that the surrender is complete. No matter how seriously you take it, it’s a game played by two. It stops being fun for the top if the bottom is genuinely unhappy.

I suspect that a lot of prospective keyholders are scared off by the extreme rhetoric that their partners use when they explain how they want things to work. That’s interesting. If this was a complete power exchange, why in the world would the bottom be explaining to the top how it works? Too bad that a lot of potential keyholders don’t think about the fact that they, not the locked males, call the shots.

I understand that once things get going, it’s important for a lot of guys to imagine that they’ve lost all their power. The problem with something that is supposed to go on 24/7 is that there are no opportunities to emerge from the scene and review what’s happened. In a more classic BDSM scene, when it’s over and both people have come back to earth, they can discuss what happened, make suggestions, and plan for the next time they do it.

I think it’s important for a couple practicing enforced male chastity to take the same sort of breaks. I’m not suggesting that the chastity device has to come off and that the female authority disappeasr. I am suggesting a nice weekend brunch where both people talk is equals. Yes, his penis may still be in a cage, but he has the opportunity to talk about what’s working and what’s not. She has an opportunity to explain what’s turning her on and what’s turning her off.

Many times the bottom is causing more trouble than the top. Nothing is more difficult to manage than the expectations of a bottom who wants things the top just can’t provide. That’s why these sit downs are so important. They represent an ongoing negotiation that provides the ability for things to evolve.

Mrs. Lion and I have these conversations. We also use our writing here in the blog as a way of communicating what’s working and not working for us. We take each other’s comments very seriously. I often ask for things that make no sense to her. If you go back and read my posts you can find many examples. You can also find a lot of times where she’s either agreed to give something a try, or just denied me out of hand.

The point is that we are communicating. We don’t allow ourselves to live in our individual fantasy worlds. We make sure that we talk about what works and what doesn’t work. Some couples will write a chastity contract. This is a document they both sign that spells out exactly how the enforced chastity will work. The best contracts include review dates and an expiration date. The review dates allow modification of the contract to conform with new things the couple has learned. The expiration date ends the enforced chastity. On or before that date, if they want things to continue, a new contract has to be written or the old one extended.

When we started out, Mrs. Lion and I had an agreement with a specific end date six months after we started. Mrs. Lion was sure we wouldn’t even get to the six months. I wanted to be sure we did. I wanted us to have enough time to make mistakes and fix them. To both of our surprise, after three months we decided we wanted to make it permanent. What we were doing added a lot to our marriage.

Now, nearly 6 years later we’re still at it. What we do is a lot different. Things keep evolving for us. What hasn’t changed is the power exchange. Mrs. Lion retains absolute control over any sex I experience. She has some other additional power now. We are both very happy with how things are working.

Enforced male chastity is almost always initiated by the male. Let’s face it, women just don’t think about locking up a man’s penis. I know that there are many fantasies featuring chastity devices intended to prevent a man from masturbating or cheating with another woman. If a woman has a problem with her partner, especially a sexual one, she’s not going to look to penis bondage as a way to cure it. Wearing a chastity device, is a male kink.

Okay, fair enough. Any guy who’s been locked up for a while knows that the fantasy scenarios just don’t work in the real world. When we started, I told Mrs. Lion about my chastity fantasies. She gamely tried to accommodate me. But they really didn’t make much sense. Why would I have to be blackmailed into giving her oral attention by withholding sexual attention from me? Why would she expect me to help around the house because my penis is in a cage?

Well, that’s what the fantasy says. The bottom line is that there is no real benefit to the woman who locks up her man in a chastity device. We males are the real beneficiaries. We like experiencing sexual control. What about our partners? What effect does this have on them?

It’s true that most couples don’t have the same level of interest in sex. Over the course of a relationship they learn to compensate for these differences. When a chastity device enters the relationship, the wearer is asking his partner to withhold sexual release by keeping him locked up. What about her pleasure? I know, according to the fantasies he can provide her with unlimited oral attention. Chances are very good, that this form of release was available before he was locked up. So, what’s in this for her?

It isn’t more oral sex. At least, I hope it isn’t. It’s probably less sex. One way or another, her sex life is going to change. At the very least, she’s going to spend time thinking about her husband’s captivity. She’s probably going to get him locked and unlocked, teased and denied, and participate in lots of conversations about how he feels living in a chastity device.

Induced premature ejaculation
As far as sex goes, regular intercourse is difficult. Male orgasms occur without warning. I know in my case, I can feel really excited as Mrs. Lion stimulates me. Without any warning I am over the edge and ejaculating. She can see physical signs that let her know I’m on the edge. Very often she’ll know and I won’t. If we’re fucking, her attention will be elsewhere. She’s not going to be able to pull out before I am over the edge.

If I’ve been made to wait any length of time, and my principal form of release is being jerked off, I’m very likely to ejaculate almost immediately after going inside her. There are ways to delay ejaculation. One of the best that I know about, is the cowgirl position. This is when the woman straddles the man who is on his back.

This position is particularly good for most women. She can adjust so that she gets optimum clitoral stimulation and can control the entire process. This is Mrs. Lion’s favorite way to have intercourse with me. I find it very difficult to orgasm when in this position. I believe many men do as well. That doesn’t mean that male orgasm is impossible in the cowgirl position. It just means that stimulation for the man is reduced. Most guys are perfectly happy with this situation.

Nevertheless,it’s very likely that the male is going to ejaculate unexpectedly and much sooner than he did before enforced male chastity. Contrary to the fantasies, the chaste male is likely to become less satisfying as a lover.

Wait times don’t matter
Another big issue is timing. Many guys want to be made to wait for long periods of time between orgasms. This is the big selling point in the chastity fantasies. The woman is supposed to find this exciting. She’s supposed to be very happy getting endless oral attention while he gets more and more frustrated. Really?

I’m not saying that there aren’t some women who absolutely love the additional oral attention the caged male will provide. But based on my reading and personal experience, that’s not the case. Even forcing a wait of a week between ejaculations, will alter the tempo of the couple’s sex life.

Any shadow of spontaneity is eliminated by the chastity device. Conventional vaginal intercourse stops being the norm. In our case, Mrs. Lion teases me manually almost every day. My sexual experience is over 90% hand job. True, almost all of that activity does not result in ejaculation. However, it is sex and after over five years, it’s my norm.

Two thirds of my orgasms are  manual. The remaining third are oral. Mrs. Lion has learned to bring me to the edge orally. However, she rarely does that. The net result of all this is that I’m conditioned to respond to manual stimulation. The timing between start and ejaculation is probably the same as it was for intercourse before enforced chastity. My response time to vaginal intercourse is much shorter. Some men, become premature ejaculators as a result of the chastity experience.

According to the fantasies, the man learns to prevent ejaculation without permission. A lot of guys try very hard to do this, but let’s face it biology is biology. Ejaculation is not really under voluntary control. Certainly, even with guys who were good at this, vaginal intercourse usually provides too great a challenge.

Where this is all leading is that enforced male chastity instead of improving the keyholder’s life, deprives her of desired sexual activity. He’s having fun with frustration and penis bondage. She longs for a nice fuck. Even if he can provide good intercourse. It may be a lot less frequent than she desires.

This is where some important conversations and compromises have to take place. For one thing, long wait times between ejaculations aggravate the problem. A more reasonable amount of time will minimize negative impacts. For example, waiting seven days will make most of us really horny. At the same time, if vaginal intercourse is desired, premature ejaculation is less likely after a week then it is after a month or more.

The key is to balance a satisfactory sex life for the keyholder with the exciting frustration the male feels when his penis is locked. It’s not fair to assume that frequent oral stimulation is a reasonable substitute for intercourse. For many women, it’s not. Regardless, enforced male chastity is about control, not sex. Too many guys become very sexually selfish when locked in a chastity device. All they think about is how they are affected by this abstinence.

There has to be a balance. After all, enforced male chastity is supposed to be about allowing the keyholder to maximize her pleasure. My suggestion, is to encourage your keyholder to not be concerned with your ejaculations. This decision, should not be based on maximizing the caged male’s fun with chastity. That’s really not what this is about.

Instead, he should be released when you, the keyholder, want to make use of his penis. That means that if he ejaculated yesterday and you want his penis inside you today, you should feel completely free to unlock him and ride him for your pleasure. If, on the other hand, you’re not feeling particularly sexual. You can leave him in his cage until you are. It’s that simple.

If he ends up in the cage more than a few days, it makes sense to provide him with maintenance edging. By bringing him to the edge of orgasm a few times and then locking him up again, you keep his libido active and ready for your pleasure.

Male orgasms are irrelevant
The entire point of enforced male chastity is to turn his penis into a tool for your pleasure. It’s not about seeing how long he can go without ejaculating. He may think it is, but it’s not. A lot of guys will be unhappy with this definition of enforced male chastity. That doesn’t matter. If he wants you to lock him up, then he has to play by your rules. The only possible reason to lock a penis in a cage is to assure that it will be exclusively available to the keyholder. The male surrenders any power to decide when he can ejaculate. So, if you want to ride him every day, unlock him and ride him. Lock him up when you’re done. If he ejaculates, so what. His job is to deliver pleasure to you. Whether or not he produces semen is completely beside the point.

Mrs. Lion keeps my chastity completely separate from anything else we do. In other words, orgasms are not rewards. Withholding them is not punishment. Spanking is punishment. Sex stands alone. In the case of enforced chastity, sex for the keyholder is the only requirement. That’s what this is really about.

In my case, Mrs. Lion isn’t interested in sex for herself. So my chastity experience is something she does for me. The only change is that an orgasm for her is never an issue. However, I only ejaculate when she wants me to. She doesn’t need a reason and I don’t get a vote. My penis belongs to her.

I think that most of us, guys that is, get into enforced chastity because we like the bondage aspect of it. That doesn’t mean our keyholders need to accept our definition. My penis belongs to Mrs. Lion and is her toy. If you ask a woman to lock you up, your penis becomes her property. If you try to control how she plays with it, she is completely within her rights to unlock you, and end your chastity experience.

To be completely clear, enforced chastity has nothing to do with ejaculation. My suggestion is that keyholders pay no attention to them. The only problem with a male ejaculating too soon is that he will lose his erection. Ejaculation is the male’s problem. Of course, we males focus on ejaculation because orgasm accompanies it. But other than being a small mess, it’s irrelevant to our keyholders. That’s not to say my keyholder shouldn’t care about whether or not I come. However, it’s a side issue not the focus of our chastity.

Like it or not, enforced chastity is not about hardware. It’s about control. Sexual ownership of your penis is what it’s all about. Too many women don’t realize this. They buy into the male fantasies. Once that lock clicks shut, fantasy time is over. If she’s horny, she’ll unlock you if she wants to use your penis. She may prefer your mouth in which case the lock stays on.  When  your penis is unlocked and stimulated as part of doing its job to please your keyholder, you may ejaculate. If  you do, fine. If not, that’s fine too. Enforced male chastity is not about semen or male orgasms. It’s about transferring ownership of the penis to  your keyholder.

I spent some time reading items I found after a Google search on male chastity. The vast majority of what came up are posts that are clearly written by people still in the pink haze of sexual fantasy. The thing is, these fantasies represent a male sexual fantasy.

Remember, male chastity is generally a game for two. To get started, the guy has to find a keyholder. Usually that’s his partner. He is obsessed by chastity devices. He’s been reading all about them. He may have even bought one. So, his conversation with his partner centers around putting hardware around his penis and locking it.

There are few, if any women who are particularly interested in chastity hardware. This includes Mrs. Lion. She locked me up because she wanted to make me happy; not because she likes the idea of my cock behind bars. I’m the one who likes that idea.

The reason for a chastity device, other than satisfying a sexual bondage kink, is to enforce orgasm control. Orgasm control? Yes, that’s what male chastity is all about. Just as BDSM isn’t based on tying someone up and then untying them. It’s abut what you do after they are restrained.

When you ask your partner to lock you up, the real request is to control your ejaculation and lock you in a device. You are asking for two very different agreements from your partner. This complicates things on your initial approach. I suspect this is why so many requests to a vanilla partner fail.

I know what you’re thinking. “But I want to wear a chastity device and be sexually controlled by my partner.”

I realize that. But there is a learning curve for her. Give her time to get used to the idea of a power exchange before you introduce the hardware. That’s quite a lot all by itself.

My suggestion is to talk to her about your desire to give her more control over sex. Ask her to be in charge of if and when you can come. There is no question that a discussion will follow. this request. She will want to understand what you are asking. That’s fair. This conversation will make all the difference. Here’s how it might go:

You: “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. It would be very sexy for me if you decide when I get to come.”

Her: “What do you mean?”

You: “I think it would be very exciting if you not let me come every time when we have sex. Let me please you, but you stop me before I can come. Also, I won’t masturbate.”

Her: “You masturbate? How often?”

(You probably didn’t think about this part.)

You: (Be totally honest!) “I jerk off  a couple of times a week when I get horny.”

Her: “I didn’t realize that. So, you are saying that you won’t do that any more ?”

You: “Yes, and I want you to make me wait to have an orgasm.”

Her: “Why in the world would you want me to do this?”

You: “It’s very exciting for me to feel your control. I love the idea of you making me wait before I get to come. Believe it or not, it turns me on.”

Her: “How long do you want to wait?”

You: “That’s up to you. But maybe start with a week?”

Her: “Really? A week?”

You: “Yes.”

Her: “What do I have to do?”

You: “If you want sex, I can please you. Just don’t let me come until the time you’ve decided. You can also tease me too. At least, that’s how my fantasies go.”

Her: “I don’t want to be mean to you.”

You: “You aren’t being mean. You are doing something I really want.”

It probably won’t go exactly like this, but you get the idea. She’ll want to know exactly what you mean, why you want this, and then how you expect it to work. The discussion is confined to orgasm control and nothing else. It’s very tempting to ask for more. Don’t. Avoid getting too deeply into your fantasies. Keep hardware out of the conversation.

When you think about it, the key part of this power exchange is controlling your orgasms, not locking your cock in a chastity device. If she agrees to try it, keep it about frustrating you. Let her see how much you like this. Over time, you can introduce edging and other teasing. It won’t be long before you can also suggest a chastity device. Again, the reason you want it is because it turns you on to wear one.

Keep away from the so-called benefits of orgasm control. Don’t suggest you will want to do housework. Don’t say you will be more sexually attentive to her because you are frustrated. No woman wants to learn that your interest in her is based on her stopping you from coming.

I suggest that if she agrees, you stop there. Obviously, you have to be honest and not jerk off. Don’t obsess over this. Resist endless comments about how horny you are. If she wants intercourse, remind her of your agreement. Ask her if she wants you to stop before you ejaculate. Offer to give her oral sex for her orgasm.

There is a lot of additional conversation that will be needed to help her understand what you want. Resist the impulse to discuss this. Let her get used to the idea. Gentle reminders of your agreement are fine if needed when she wants sex. Otherwise, just answer he questions. Don’t drive her crazy with anxiety about the power exchange,.

I realize this is very different from advice you may have read in the past. But, think about it. You are asking for a  big change in your sex life. The simpler you make it, the easier it will be for her to accept it and actually do it. She will ask questions when she is ready. Resist the temptation to show her websites, including this one.

One more point: Don’t ask her by email. I see a lot of sites that give you a form you can send her. Ask her in person, face to face.

Here’s the next step: Asking your partner to lock you up.