Advice to caged males

Over the years, my views of enforced male chastity have, shall we say, matured. I’m not sure that’s a fair way to characterize them. The simple fact is that there is no proper way to practice this. This is in sharp contrast to other BDSM practices. I know, you may not consider enforced male chastity to be part of BDSM. Since it involves penis bondage, and bondage is part of BDSM, the practice reasonably can fall into the same category.

A lot of the activities in BDSM require skill. It’s true that most of the toys can be used without any formal training. However, if they are going to be used with any intensity, training is important to prevent injury. Safety is the number one priority in any activity that can hurt another person (or yourself).

Wearing a chastity device isn’t particularly dangerous. If it’s incorrectly sized it can cause irritation and even cause edema of the penis. But if the wearer lets his body tell him when something’s wrong, the device can come off and no real damage is done. I have a few pages on this sIte that may be helpful in getting a correctly-sized device. I suggest you explore the menu for these options.

In BDSM it’s very rare to find people who get hurt. Most practitioners are very careful about going too far. What happens more frequently is that people abandon the practice because it doesn’t work for them. This is the same issue with enforced male chastity. Very often, if the people had good information and some simple training, they may have discovered that they gave something up they might actually enjoy.

Based on what I’ve seen, a lot of men when exposed to the idea of wearing a chastity device, get aroused. There’s something very sexy about penis bondage. Many are turned off by the idea that they lose control of their ability to ejaculate. For some reason, a lot of people have the idea that enforced male chastity is an all-or-nothing kink. They believe that once a device is locked on their sexual pleasure is no longer considered by the keyholder.

The mythology supports this concept. The reality couldn’t be further from this. Think about another practice: spanking. A very large percentage of adults fantasize about spanking and being spanked. The people who do the spanking don’t just beat their partners into a black and blue pulp. They spend a lot of time making sure that the person getting the spanking is happy with the intensity. Even punishment spankings are limited by the ability of the punished person to handle the pain.

There’s a very good reason for this: If you want a person to come back for more, he needs to leave as a satisfied customer. This is true of absolutely everything along the BDSM spectrum. All activities are consensual. Tops honor the limits of bottoms. Yet, for some reason, guys think that these concepts don’t apply to enforced male chastity. Despite all the silly pictures of beautiful half naked women supposedly saying that now they’ve got you locked up you’ll never get out again, it’s absolute nonsense.

As in everything else in BDSM, the bottom controls how far things go. When it comes to enforced male chastity, I like the idea of being forced to get very horny and frustrated. If I ever get to the point that I’m genuinely unhappy about my enforced abstinence, I know that Mrs. Lion will provide me with enjoyable release. A lot of the excitement about power exchanges comes from imagining the complete surrender of control. It’s never true that the surrender is complete. No matter how seriously you take it, it’s a game played by two. It stops being fun for the top if the bottom is genuinely unhappy.

I suspect that a lot of prospective keyholders are scared off by the extreme rhetoric that their partners use when they explain how they want things to work. That’s interesting. If this was a complete power exchange, why in the world would the bottom be explaining to the top how it works? Too bad that a lot of potential keyholders don’t think about the fact that they, not the locked males, call the shots.

I understand that once things get going, it’s important for a lot of guys to imagine that they’ve lost all their power. The problem with something that is supposed to go on 24/7 is that there are no opportunities to emerge from the scene and review what’s happened. In a more classic BDSM scene, when it’s over and both people have come back to earth, they can discuss what happened, make suggestions, and plan for the next time they do it.

I think it’s important for a couple practicing enforced male chastity to take the same sort of breaks. I’m not suggesting that the chastity device has to come off and that the female authority disappeasr. I am suggesting a nice weekend brunch where both people talk is equals. Yes, his penis may still be in a cage, but he has the opportunity to talk about what’s working and what’s not. She has an opportunity to explain what’s turning her on and what’s turning her off.

Many times the bottom is causing more trouble than the top. Nothing is more difficult to manage than the expectations of a bottom who wants things the top just can’t provide. That’s why these sit downs are so important. They represent an ongoing negotiation that provides the ability for things to evolve.

Mrs. Lion and I have these conversations. We also use our writing here in the blog as a way of communicating what’s working and not working for us. We take each other’s comments very seriously. I often ask for things that make no sense to her. If you go back and read my posts you can find many examples. You can also find a lot of times where she’s either agreed to give something a try, or just denied me out of hand.

The point is that we are communicating. We don’t allow ourselves to live in our individual fantasy worlds. We make sure that we talk about what works and what doesn’t work. Some couples will write a chastity contract. This is a document they both sign that spells out exactly how the enforced chastity will work. The best contracts include review dates and an expiration date. The review dates allow modification of the contract to conform with new things the couple has learned. The expiration date ends the enforced chastity. On or before that date, if they want things to continue, a new contract has to be written or the old one extended.

When we started out, Mrs. Lion and I had an agreement with a specific end date six months after we started. Mrs. Lion was sure we wouldn’t even get to the six months. I wanted to be sure we did. I wanted us to have enough time to make mistakes and fix them. To both of our surprise, after three months we decided we wanted to make it permanent. What we were doing added a lot to our marriage.

Now, nearly 6 years later we’re still at it. What we do is a lot different. Things keep evolving for us. What hasn’t changed is the power exchange. Mrs. Lion retains absolute control over any sex I experience. She has some other additional power now. We are both very happy with how things are working.

Most blogs about enforced male chastity and female led relationships answer two main questions: How? and What? You can read endlessly about what is supposed to happen when a man’s penis is locked up. There are endless accounts of sexual submission brought on by male chastity or surrender to a female led relationship. Almost all of it is fiction. Real-life couples who practice this lead much less exciting lives. Our blog prides itself on accurately portraying our adventures in enforced chastity and FLR. None of what we write is fiction.

The other big question is: How? There are practical matters relating to selecting and fitting a male chastity device. Technique is required to apply physical discipline. Tools are needed to do this. Then there are sexual toys that many of us incorporate in our power exchanges. They run from butt plugs and dildos to bondage equipment and grooming supplies like waxing. As we incorporate these things in our relationship, we offer advice on how we use them.

There’s one area that gets little-to-no mention: why we do these things. Yes, the fiction and fantasies offer rationalizations that fit with their story lines, but I wouldn’t consider that stuff real reasons. I suppose it isn’t very important to understand why we do this stuff as long as we do it safely and consensually. If you are interested in starting a power exchange, having a good idea why you want it will go a long way toward helping you communicate you desire to your partner.

The first thing to understand is that wanting a sexual power exchange isn’t some sort of pathology. Study after study has shown that the vast majority of men and women fantasize about this stuff. Over 70% of men dream about being spanked, for example. Those of us who choose to act on it are, I guess, the brave ones.

In any case I’m not talking about rationalizing what we want. I’m trying to get close to the root so that it will be easier to communicate your needs.

In my case I’m turned on when my partner takes sexual control. This control extends to determining when or if I get to ejaculate as well as making and enforcing rules I must follow. That’s why I want her to control my penis and spank me when required. For whatever reason, it sexually fulfills me to live this way.

Granted, this is fairly vague and offers little specific direction to Mrs. Lion. But it’s enough to start her thinking and get  us going. I think t is easier for her to understand this statement than to sit through fantasies I may have about how it should work. That, after all, is the “what”.

Your reason may be totally different. I’ll bet it is equally easy to express when you cut away the “what”. Try writing down the basics and why you want them. For example, “I want you to take sexual control of me because it arouses me every time I think about it.” Talk about a good conversation starter!  Hopefully, her first question will be, “Why do you want this?”

If so, you’re on  your way.

jail bird chastity device
Is this a necessary part of enforced male chastity? You may be surprised at the answer.
(Click image to see me in it)

Like most things in life, enforced male chastity isn’t as simple as it seems. It may appear that all you have to do is purchase a chastity device, lock it on a penis, and let the poor guy spend days, weeks, months unable to use his penis for anything except peeing. actually, this doesn’t even fit the definition of chastity. According to Merriam-Webster, chastity is the state of refraining from extramarital intercourse. There is no mention of physical containment of the genitals. There is also no mention of physical devices designed to prevent access to the sex organs.

When Mrs,  Lion and I started our enforced male chastity adventure, I laid out the ground rules as I understood them: I was to wear a locking chastity device over my penis that would prevent me from stimulating myself. Mrs. Lion would frequently unlock me and tease me without letting me ejaculate. When she wanted, she would give me an orgasm. She agreed.

I mentioned some other things I had read that included allowing me to express my need for sex by pleasing her. She correctly told me that this idea made no sense. Wouldn’t I give her all the sex she wants even if not locked up? Absolutely! Similarly, why would I do housework because my penis was in a chastity device?

Like a lot of guys, I was confusing enforced chastity with BDSM submission. They aren’t the same thing at all. Enforced male chastity is about one thing: sexual control. I asked Mrs. Lion to take complete charge of my sexual gratification. There was no implied contract that included giving her extra orgasms, cleaning the toilets, or painting her toenails. Our agreement was about the use of my penis for sexual purposes.

It took quite a while for this to get this through my head. I had read endless logs and forum posts about all the extras that were supposed to be part of the enforced male chastity lifestyle. As it turned out, all this stuff was noise masking the purity of the male chastity experience.

Even wearing a chastity device interfered with this process. Okay, I like being locked in my cage. I do have a bondage fetish. Tie me up and I’m turned on. So wearing a locked cage on my penis, was a 24/7 bondage experience. After a while, four years in my case, the cage became more of an inconvenience than a turn on. During those years, I learned not to masturbate. Mrs. lion was truly the sole custodian of my sexual pleasure. I am a chaste male.

I’m not saying that we don’t do other things. We adopted a female lead relationship with discipline (F L R D). In that context I must obey Mrs. lion and I get punished if I break a rule. We’ve both written quite a bit about this. But, make no mistake, that stuff has nothing at all to do with my male chastity.

If I had insisted in the beginning, that locking me up also included the other activities commonly associated with enforced male chastity, we probably wouldn’t have succeeded. I think that the formula for success is quite simple. It’s challenging to perform, but easy to explain.

Here’s my suggestion: if you want to begin enforced chastity, start with the very basics. Ask your partner if she will take sexual control. This will probably need some explanation. She may think you’re asking her to initiate sex. Make it clear that’s not what you’re saying. Explain that you want her to be the sole owner of your ability to ejaculate. You would like her to lock you into a chastity device. This is the time you may want to show her what you’ve purchased or give her some references on the web to understand what you’re talking about.

Next, let her know what your expectations are in terms of sexual release. I strongly suggest that you be very realistic. Way too many guys imagine spending months locked in their cage with no sexual stimulation. That may be a hot fantasy but it is a really miserable way to live. Instead, suggest that she keep you locked up for a few days. She can decide how many. Then, ask her to give you release. She can masturbate you, give you oral sex, or let you mount her.

Suggest that after a few weeks you sit down and discuss how things are going. If she expresses concern that her sexual needs won’t be met, you can let her know that your mouth and fingers are always available to her. That’s it. Simple, and easy to follow. This isn’t necessarily the way it’s going to be forever. It’s a starting point. Like anything else that’s worthwhile, it takes time and effort to make it work.

I suggest you follow this very simple routine for a full month before adding any refinements. In fact, I suggest that you try not even think about other things that can be attached to your enforced male chastity. Focus on the deceptively simple concept of basic sexual control. Trust me, the rest will follow.

Guys who wear chastity devices, do so because they want them. There is a widely-held fiction that the devices are locked on and the keyholder has irrevocable control of her male’s penis. This is necessary to enhance the feeling of bondage and control that is desired. A lot of what I read confuses the reality of enforced chastity with the mythology. I’ve said that before, but I’ve only recently come to realize how profoundly it affects me.

The recent transition I’ve made from being wild back to wearing my cage is a case in point. I felt the need to be locked again. But, I didn’t want it unless Mrs. Lion decided she wants me locked up. If she’s willing to lock me and I want it, logically that should be enough. But it wasn’t.

That’s what got me thinking. Why should it matter who wants me in the cage? If I want to wear it, and my lioness is willing to be my keyholder, shouldn’t that be enough? It should, but somehow it isn’t. I don’t want to be the reason my penis is in a locked chastity device. Of course, I realize it is. But, the game doesn’t work for me if we play it that way.

I know that a lot of guys manage their own cages. They put them on and take them off. Many, actually keep the keys. They like wearing a chastity device and their fire doesn’t need the fuel of a keyholder who demands they keep it on.

I suspect that most couples find a balance when it comes to enforced chastity. The keyholders show a preference for their partners to wear a chastity device. The men honor it and wear them. This is a completely reasonable way to support enforced chastity. My preference is for Mrs. Lion to be much more active in her control. I really like that I can’t unlock myself and that Mrs. Lion won’t let me stop wearing it.

I know what you’re thinking. I can get out of the cage if I try hard enough. That’s true. But I would never try. I am very aware that I asked to be locked. Escape would be silly. That’s why I chuckle when I reed about guys looking for high security devices. In the first place, any device that is very difficult to escape, is likely to be really uncomfortable to wear. All the spikes and other anti-pullout hardware are uncomfortable, especially when an erection starts to happen.

For enforced chastity to work for me, I have to suspend disbelief. I have to believe that Mrs. Lion is committed to keeping me locked up. The more she supports this belief, the more real my experience. What does supporting my enforced chastity ask of her?

I like it when she reminds me that she controls the device and only lets me out for her purposes. It strongly reinforces my sense of submission when she locks me up immediately after she is done with my penis. That sends a strong message to me. I can’t explain why I feel that way. It isn’t logical, but it signals strong control to me.

My point is that it’s important for both the keyholder and caged male to talk about what enforced chastity means. Both have to agree on how the lockup should proceed. This ongoing communication is critical to any power exchange. It’s especially important when it involves hardware locked on the male’s penis 24/7.