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In: Advice for a new keyholder, Advice to caged males, Lion's Journal

Monday night brought both good and bad surprises. On the bad side, our dog experienced a siezure. She had one a few months ago as well. The vet said not to be too concerned unless they happen regularly. After comforting her and cleaning up her poop, we were tired. Later, 2.0 teased me and decided to let me come. It was a nice surprise. For the record, my last orgasm was 10 days earlier. I’m much more comfortable with waiting longer. Enforced chastity is just part of life and my mind and body have grown accustomed to this condition.

A lot of guys when they first discover enforced chastity obsess a little about this exciting new practice. You can read their excited postings on various chastity and BDSM forums. Some go so far as to suggest that all guys need to wear chastity devices since they make men so much better. They think that every woman will want her man to wear one.  I can certainly understand their enthusiasm, but there is a fundamental flaw in this thinking.

Some think that the Big Idea in enforced male chastity is that by caging the man’s ability to have sex, his interest in pleasing his partner will grow. This might be true, but it is hardly a reason that a woman would want to cage her partner. Think about it from her side. That claim suggests that the only reason a man will want to please his partner is that his penis is locked up and unavailable. “Oh well, I can’t get off I might as well make the missus come.”

How appealing! That has to be every woman’s dream. Sheesh! It sounds a little like a kid who wants a wagon for Christmas. “But Mom, if you give me a wagon you can use it to carry groceries too.” In advertising it is an imagined benefit: I want this and you should too, because…” That sort of reasoning, particularly in the context of enforced chastity, is simply not productive. The best, perhaps only reason, a woman would agree to be an active keyholder is that she believes he wants her to lock him up and if she agrees, it will make him happy.

That is the only reason that Mrs. Lion agreed to lock me up. It’s a pretty powerful reason at that. Let’s face it, the only real beneficiary to a locked cock is the guy wearing the chastity device; at least in the beginning.

In our case, over time it turned out that enforced chastity brought important value to our relationship; so important that Mrs. Lion will not agree to ending it. That benefit has nothing to do with increasing my sexual attention to her, or to me developing a sudden need to do housework. For the record, neither happened to me.

The actual benefit turned out to be improved communication that brought with it more intimacy and less stress In our case, enforced chastity caused us to agree on sexual control. I surrendered it and Mrs. Lion agreed to take it. There were no more hard feelings about my failure to initiate. She felt no guilt about failing to be sexual with me and no anger that I failed to initiate. The logistics of enforced chastity and the need to provide the occasional orgasm, forced us to communicate about sexual things on a daily basis. That in turn resulted in increased snuggling, endearing words, hugs, kisses, and general touching. We’ve been much happier.

I think that in the beginning, it makes the most sense to restrict conversation and expectations to the fact that he wants to surrender sexual control and that she agrees to take it on because it will make him happy. If you both keep it up, over time other benefits will emerge on their own. They may not be anything like what happened with us, but they will emerge. Enforced male chastity is a long term investment. The biggest mistake guys make is to look for short term results.

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In: Advice for a new keyholder, Advice to caged males, Lion's Journal
bloggers are like authors. they don't always tell the truth
The Web is full of stories that claim to be true. Reader beware!

There are a surprisingly large number of bloggers writing about enforced chastity and female led relationships and marriages (FLR). Two interesting sites aggregate various blogs and display links to their latest posts. They are Keyheld and Sheheld. I regularly check in there to see what people are writing. These blogs fall roughly into three categories: journals of experiences, fantasies, and instruction on how to do FLR or enforced chastity.

The journals are a mix of what seem to be accurate discussions of real life and fantasies couched as actual events. Of course, it is impossible to know exactly which are real, but a little common sense goes a long way in separating the wheat from the chaff. I’m not against fantasies, but a lot of readers are looking at our blogs for help on establishing real-life chastity and FLR.

The sites that annoy me are the ones that give “advice” on how to establish enforced chastity or a female led relationship that are clearly (to me) fantasies that have little hope of succeeding. Frequently these people write “guides” that they sell for very high prices. Often they use their own relationships to illustrate their advice. It lends an air of credibility.

What set me off was one post offering advice to women wanting to start a female led relationship. This advice, supposedly written by a woman, consisted of putting the male in a chastity device and then attaching a chain to it so he can be led around like a doggy. This might be a hot BDSM fantasy, but seriously, is this a change anyone is going to make for life? The writer, who claims to be female, goes on to say her husband is handcuffed if he is naughty or if she takes him out of the device. Show that article to your wife as a way of introducing her to enforced chastity and FLR. I’d love to hear the conversation that follows her reading. This particular post was so ungrammatical that either the guy who wrote it is functionally illiterate or English is not his first language.

The reason I get so upset at this is that men who have a serious interest in trying enforced chastity or FLR might think this stuff is real. The reason otherwise discriminating guys will fall for this crap is that they are so obsessed with the hot fantasies, they suspend disbelief long enough to show their partners these “guides”.

Let me offer a few guidelines that might be helpful when judging the authenticity of advice:

  • If the writer refers to herself as “Mistress xxx” she is either a guy or a woman who makes money dominating men. Often you will find books for sale or “professional” keyholder services on their sites as well. There’s nothing wrong with selling or buying these things. Just be aware that the person who is writing is doing it to make money by telling men things that turn them on.
  • If the writer gives a list of things a keyholder or female head of house must do, chances are very good it is a fantasy. Those of us real-life practitioners know that there are no rules everyone must follow. There is no minimum wait time, protocols, or things a guy has to do.
  • If the “story” seems too fantastic to believe, it probably is. Very few women invite their friends over to dominate their husbands. You get the point.
  • If you have to buy a book or pay money for help, be very sure it is authentic before wasting your money. There are too many sources of free information, like our blog, to make it necessary to pay for what you can easily get for free.
  • The blogger claims to be female and has penis or penis-in-chastity-device pictures. Not many women feel the need to publish penis shots. Some women do publish pictures of naked men submitting to a woman, but penis closeups? Nope.

I am not against blogs that are filled with fantasy and Fetlife adventures. They can be pretty hot. But it is important to understand that they are not real. If you want to introduce your partner to enforced chastity, understand that the more complex and sexual the introduction, the less likely she is to agree to try it.

It’s true that somewhere, someone is actually doing all those fantasy things. Some of those fantastic blogs may describe reality for someone. Who knows? What I know is that you aren’t going to be that lucky, at least in the beginning. Enforced male chastity and female led relationships evolve. They start with very small changes and over years can evolve into adventures that would rival fantasies.

There’s nothing wrong with reading and writing fantasies. I just wish people would label the fiction. I know they won’t. It’s up to you to decide what’s authentic and what is someone’s jerk off fantasy. Enjoy the wild Internet.

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In: Advice to caged males, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity

As Mrs. Lion wrote yesterday, I ate too  much of a very good dinner Sunday night and was more interested in snuggling than sex. Mrs. Lion was great about that and after some CBT with clothespins, we cuddled together. By the way, if you’ve wondered why my posts always seem a day out of date, it’s because I don’t get up obscenely early to write my daily post. I write it the day before. That means, today’s post for example, is being written Monday afternoon. I have no idea what will happen tonight (last night when you read this). Mrs. Lion generally writes her post the same day it is published. So she delivers the most up-t0-date news.

I’ve been thinking about communications between Mrs. Lion and I. I wonder how much influence I have over what she does. I know she listens to what I say and write and she often does what I suggest. Though since she has become lioness 2.0, she generally puts her own spin on acting on my suggestions. I still worry that I have more control than I should. We both know I am not submissive by nature and I have spent most of my life in the dominant role. I still write about dominance on the Dominant Guide. I don’t find any conflict with that, nor does Mrs. Lion.

Knowing my nature is far from submissive, it worries me that I am having too much influence at home. Neither of ever imagined that we would have a lioness dictatorship. We make most decisions jointly, though she is the tie breaker if we disagree. The worry comes in about play. I’ve been a D/S educator for many years and I love to share what I know. Most of the teaching I have done with Mrs. Lion was years ago. So since I’ve surrendered to her my effort to teach her has been minimal. I have introduced some new ideas and she has adopted a few. The shock collar and TENS units were my ideas. Her use of the shock collar for “instant messages” was purely her own.

In my power exchange fantasies, control is taken from me and I don’t get to provide any input. In real life that would never work for me. But I don’t want to control things either. The Journal and our emails have been very helpful. However, Mrs. Lion sometimes forgets I am just making suggestions and not expressing expectations that will upset me if they aren’t met. Lioness 2.0 gets this and has a much better attitude in my opinion.

So much that I read online prescribes what we should do in a female controlled marriage and in enforced chastity. Some guys want to develop their submissive side and put their own spin on how they believe men in FLR’s should act and even think. I disagree with a lot of what I read. My basis is that I was a 24/7 master to a female slave who was extremely submissive and actively worked to serve with her entire heart and soul. She might be the role model for many submissive-aspiring guys. From my perspective as her master, it was a very difficult way to live. I think most of us need collaboration way more than we need control.

Control, particularly sexual control, is the icing on the cake. The substance of a relationship is all the mundane stuff that supports our daily lives. Being put into the position of decision maker for everything was pure pressure for me. As a dominant, I wanted to make the decisions I chose to make. The rest could be joint or hers. Now that I am on the other end of the paddle, I work hard to maintain my partnership with Mrs. Lion. I will surrender any control she wishes to have. That’s what FLR means to me, at least. But otherwise I will continue to pay most of the bills, decide issues we agree I should, and share decisions on the rest with her. When it comes to sex and play, she is the sole authority and I exist totally at her pleasure.

I hear a lot about topping from the bottom. In our world, that’s a punishable offense. The same way I try to avoid eating first or dropping food, I try to avoid topping from the bottom. If I do, my lioness could catch it and send a strong message back to me that I better stop. If she doesn’t catch it, I hope I do and stop before she stops me. My point is that topping from the bottom won’t send you straight to hell. It also won’t destroy your power exchange; at least not at first. It’s just a bad habit that needs correction and self control. It’s like eating ice cream once in a while when you are on a diet. If you don’t do it too often, you’ll still lose weight. If you make it a habit, things could go badly. ‘Nuff said.

By:
In: Advice to caged males, Chastity device fitting, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity

I’m within a week of completing my second year locked in enforced chastity. In that time Mrs. Lion and I have written over 1,000 posts on the subject. All those posts track our lives and how they have changed since I surrendered control over my sexuality. While we have a number of pages on how to start enforced chastity (see the tabs at the top of this page), I thought I would give my perspective at this time.

The chastity device is the most debated part of enforced chastity. Put simply, it is a device that physically prevents erection and orgasm. Some guys mistakenly believe that the device should accommodate their erections, just prevent masturbating. That’s completely wrong. The device should fit tightly enough to prevent any growth inside the cage or tube.

The big problem in the beginning is selecting the right device. You can find an endless array of devices for sale on the Internet. Amazon has resellers that mark up devices you can get directly from China where they are made. These devices are very inexpensive; some as little as $25.  If you can find one that fits you properly, it’s like winning the lottery. There are thousands of articles on selecting a device. I think I can help cut through the crap. A lot of women say that all male genitals are alike. They’re not. That’s why finding an off-the-shelf device that will serve you is so unlikely.

The big problem is that a chastity device has to be comfortable enough to wear 24 hours-a-day, 7 days-a-week indefinitely. Mine has been on over 95% of the time. It only comes off for play sessions and the very rare break of a few days. That means if I am wearing a device that chafes around my balls or irritates my penis, I won’t be able to keep it on. It will interfere with my sleep and make moving around hell. If it hurts when I try to get hard, then I will awaken in pain every night when my body decides to give me an nocturnal erection. I’ve tested at least 20 different devices and every single one hurt to wear enough to convince me to take it off. I know that a lot of guys muscle through the discomfort with soothing creams under their base rings and tolerating the painful midnight erections.

This simply won’t do. The point of enforced chastity is sexual control, not enduring uncomfortable hardware. The only purpose of a chastity device is to prevent arousal and orgasm. The ideal device is so comfortable that you forget it is there. Oh yes, it should also be difficult to remove without the key. Let’s get security out of the way right now. Unless you have a penis piercing with a locking ring on it, there is no way to make a ball capture device impossible to escape. I don’t think security is very important. After all, I asked Mrs. Lion to lock me up. I don’t know of any cases when the female partner proposed enforced chastity. So, as far as I’m concerned, I won’t try to escape. I do want it secure enough that pulling out isn’t easy and putting it back is even harder. I don’t want to be tempted to jerk off when massively horny. But I don’t need more security than enough to control a passing urge to be naughty.

For me, comfort is the key. Right behind comfort is ease of use. Some devices are just a pain to put on or take off. Since Mrs. Lion puts me into my cage and takes my penis out, the device has to not frustrate her in the effort. I know that a lot of guys manage their own chastity devices. Over time, a device that is hard to deal with is going to be frustrating. Going a long time without a chance to come is frustrating enough. Who needs more aggravation?

I wear a Jail Bird custom made by Mature Metal. It isn’t the sexiest device, but it is secure and extremely comfortable. I forget I am wearing it most of the time and a nocturnal erection never wakes me up. It costs about $400 with the security screw option (that replaces the padlock with a screw that requires a special tool [supplied] to remove). Precise measurements are required. Even with careful measurement, adjustments will probably be needed. Fortunately, Mature Metal and other custom cage makers are happy to adjust for a reasonable charge. I needed to have my cage shortened by a full 1/2″ before I got the right fit. It fits perfectly now and to look at me in it (Click the MORE link for NSFW image of me in my cage) you would imagine that I am tiny when hard. I’m not giant, but erect my penis is a full 6 1/2″ long (measured from my belly side).

That’s the thing about penises, they are extremely flexible when flaccid. They easily fit into spaces you would never imagine possible. Since a proper fitting cage should always be in contact with the sides and head of your penis, it needs to be considerably shorter than you would imagine. I don’t even know mine is on and you can see how short it is.

Four hundred dollars? Are you kidding? I’m not rich! That’s what I usually hear when I suggest starting off with a custom cage. The cage is the only thing you have to buy. It’s needed for the “sport”. You need the right equipment. A lot of guys say that they just want to “try chastity out” and to do that they don’t want to spend much money. I get that. But are you really trying out enforced chastity when you have to suffer when wearing the device? I bought a few of the cheap, Chinese devices before I got serious with enforced chastity. After trying out four devices (cost over $150), I found one I could tolerate. That’s when I asked Mrs. Lion to lock me up. After a week of wearing the device I thought would work, I was in pain. The hinge on the base ring hurt, the squared sides of the ring chafed me. The cage was too long and peeing was random, at best. I realized that this experiment wouldn’t have a chance without better equipment. That’s when I ordered the Jail Bird.

The good news about wearing those cheap devices was that I had a very good idea what size base ring I needed. That is often the trickiest part of fitting. Mature Metal charges very little to swap rings, so getting the size wrong is no big deal. Once ordered, it took six weeks to get my custom cage. I wore the Chinese one until it arrived. I was so happy to make the change! The fact is that I would have never been able to continue with enforced chastity in an off-the-shelf device. With one, I could focus on the real challenges of enforced chastity.

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