BDSM (Page 3)

In our first two conversations, we’ve talked about what it means when someone asks to be topped and how to adopt a dominant role. The idea is to provide wish fulfillment. Your partner wants to give up control to you. We agreed that this could be done in a controlled way. This domination would be strictly defined and time-bounded.

We also established that you aren’t expected to change your personality. You are agreeing to play a role to top your partner. In Part 1 we suggested an exercise that allowed you both to experience how it feels to take/give-up control. It established that the process is sexually arousing to the male half of the equation. We also made it clear that many women are not turned on by topping their husbands. For the record, I was never turned on when I was the top. Topping is a service for the bottom.

OK, that catches us up. It’s time to consider how to construct scenes that he will like. Most bottoms want to experience some pain as part of their scenes. It’s not that they like being hurt–though some love it. It’s that being helpless while someone hurts you is a powerful expression of a power exchange. Also, when done right, the pain turns into pleasure.

The first step is bondage. There’s no getting around it; nothing turns on a bottom like being tied down. Being naked and helpless, tied to the bed, is a powerful aphrodisiac. Don’t believe me? Look at his penis when you tie him down. It’s at attention. No matter. Ignore it. Besides, you will be tying him face down on the bed. He’ll be disappointed. Too bad.

Spanking is the safest form of sensation play. As long as you confine your attention to the area south of his tailbone and north of his knees, you are in safe territory. A leather paddle is an excellent beginner’s toy. The ability to handle pain is very subjective and changes as a scene progresses. In the beginning, fairly soft swats will elicit yelps of pain. No, he isn’t faking. The swats are a shock to his system. You should always start with relatively soft swats, but not too soft. You want him to react.

He will hate those first painful little swats. Take advantage of his discomfort and remind him that he wants you to top him. Ask him if he wants you to stop. Remind him that he has a safeword (mine is “red”). He’ll ask you to continue. In your sweetest voice, tell him that it’s going to hurt a lot more. Ask him if he’s ready.

The point of this dialogue is to add the extra humiliation of having him admit that he wants you to hurt him. You are underlining his desire to submit. Then, continue the beating. Keep swatting harder and faster as he gets used to the spanking. His hormones are flowing and make him numb. Ideally, you want to push just past the numbness and make him feel your swats. It won’t take long before he will seem to enjoy your spanking.

That’s good. You aren’t punishing him. Keep going at the level that seems to be what he likes. His bottom will turn bright red. Of course, you don’t want to injure him, but a leather paddle is more likely to sting than bruise. When you are done, rub his bottom and tell him he is a good boy. If he is one of the lucky guys who have a strong “sub space” hormonal reaction, he will be sleepy and relaxed. If he is, put a blanket over him and let him slowly return to earth. Otherwise, untie him and tie him up on his back. He will probably be soft.

If you are both new to BDSM, this is a good time to end the pain portion of the program. He should be reminded to thank you for spanking him. Make sure that he always does. If you feel like it, you can reward him for being a good boy and masturbate him. It’s always extra exciting to be jerked off when tied down. Since you are his top, you could feed him the semen that he produces. It’s a nice BDSM touch.

This is just one possibility. It’s a reliable way to run a scene, and very useful for beginning tops. You may have noticed that I didn’t suggest that you make him do something sexual for you. It isn’t a good idea to do that. The scene is for him. At a later time, he can show you his gratitude. In the context of the scene, jerking him off was a show of your power and control, not sex. Get it?

OK, Have fun. Here are links to the previous two posts on dominating your husband:

How To Dominate Your Husband: Part 1 — Getting Started

How To Dominate Your Husband — Part 2: Acting Class

As we discussed in Part 1, dominating or topping your husband is about providing a service, wish fulfillment. He is turned on by the idea of your dominating him sexually. This is a very common wish that has nothing to do with his masculinity. He thinks it would be hot if you take charge during a scene.

We talked about the scene being a time-limited session where you act as his “dom” or “mistress.” We suggested a simple exercise to begin exploring your power exchange. You didn’t assume any fantasy role. You took charge being yourself. Since you are reading this second step, I assume that he had fun.

Before we go any further, please understand that all of this is aimed at satisfying your partner’s desire. It isn’t about mutual enjoyment. Topping (the word I prefer for the activities a “dom ” does) is a gift or a service that you perform for his pleasure. If you have fun, too, that’s a bonus, but it isn’t what this is about. Now you see why women charge money to do this.

playing a role

We’ve established that topping doesn’t require you to change your personality. It’s about providing a service during a “scene” that has a beginning and an end. During the scene, you are acting, playing a role. Exactly what role that turns out to be is up to both of you.

Have you ever acted in a play? If you have, you know that you assume the persona of a character and perform lines written by the playwright. Topping is like that. You are assuming the persona of a dominant woman. You are performing for an audience of one. Your job is to move your audience; make him feel your character and his relationship to her.

How you do this depends on what feels right for you, and, more importantly, what gets his motor running. You want to make him believe that the character you are playing is real and has replaced you, his loving partner.

Who is this new woman? What does she say and do? It takes time and experimentation to find out. Bottoms, the word I prefer for “subs” are often difficult sources of information about who they want to top them. Top personas fit into a small group of categories:

• Heartless Bitch She objectifies her bottom. She treats him like a disposable object. She likes to see him suffer. Humiliating him is fun for her. If she is spanking him, she pretends not to care how much she is hurting him. She says things like, “Let me see you cry like the baby you are.” She laughs when she watches him jerk off for her.
• Mommy This is a very popular fantasy role. She wants her “boy” to be well-behaved. She sadly punishes him when he is naughty. Depending on his particular needs, she can put him in diapers or make him wear little boy clothes. She might soap his mouth for swearing. After she punishes him, she will cuddle him and tell him that he was a good boy. In a mommy scene, sex is usually supervised masturbation.
• Demanding Wife She is you with a healthy dose of testosterone. She is the boss and demands obedience at all times. She expects her husband to do anything to please her. She punishes him to assure he is subservient and submissive. Demanding wives give harsh spankings followed by sessions of hubandly appreciation for her efforts to correct him. Demanding wives get a lot of oral attention from their husbands. His sex, if he gets any, is by supervised masturbation or handjobs. If the demanding wife wants a penis, he will wear a strap-on to satisfy her. Demanding wives sometimes require their husbands to wear women’s underwear.

Those three roles broadly satisfy most male submission fantasies. There are variations, of course. A man may have a babysitter or big sister fantasy. That’s just another version of the mommy persona. The key takeaway is that you are playing a role for an audience of one. The more completely you throw yourself into the role, the more fun he will have.

a new definition of fun

A good actor can move her audience to tears or laughter. People love to cry during sad movies or plays. They are having fun. The same is true of your role with your partner. You are bringing a fantasy to life. A spanking with a hairbrush or paddle is supposed to hurt. It might even make him cry. He could end up with a bruised bottom that hurts for days. Five stars to you for that performance. He had fun. If you don’t believe me, ask him the day after a scene. Ask him if he wants you to do it again. If he says yes, then you know he had fun.

We have been trained our entire lives that it is wrong to hurt someone. We are also taught that people who want to be hurt are sick. Those lessons are correct in most cases. Nonconsensual hurting is wrong and illegal. People who want to be injured need help. Consensual pain play is not wrong; it’s a service to the person who wants to experience it. A bruised bottom isn’t an injury to worry about.

It takes effort to be a good actor. In a scene, you have to assume the role you have chosen. You also have to remember that what you are doing is fun for your partner. He wants to feel the scene you are performing. He knows it’s going to hurt, be embarrassing, and frustrating. He signed up for that. You are providing a loving service.

Next time, we’ll talk about how you can be creatively mean.

A surprising percentage of men fantasize about their partners taking charge in the bedroom. It’s a hot fantasy that is surprisingly easy to turn into reality. It’s not easy for a man to ask his partner to dominate him. He has no real-life experience to guide his request. Chances are good that if he gets up the courage to ask, his request will be a firehose blast of stored fantasy scenarios. Yuck! Right, ladies?

Most, if not almost all, women don’t fantasize about dominating their partners. It’s not part of their sexual vocabulary. If they have, their imaginations didn’t wander into the territory expressed by a frustrated man. That’s why I decided to write this guide. I have over thirty years of experience in the real-life BDSM world. I’ve been both top and bottom and have offered workshops for beginner tops at many BDSM events. I’ve learned how to help couples experience their fantasies.

there’s a reason domination-for-hire is a big business

Pro-doms abound. They earn their living dominating men. Many earn hundreds of dollars an hour for their services. There’s a good reason they can do this: Dominating someone is work. It’s a service performed for the benefit of the client. I’ve known many pro-doms over the years. Most are not sexually dominant as a lifestyle. They play a role for their clients.

If your husband expresses an interest in being dominated, it doesn’t mean that you have to change from a sexually vanilla woman into a sadistic mistress. It means that he wants you to play a role in a sexual fantasy. This is the key point that is missed by almost every guy who asks his partner to dominate him. He’s blinded by the bright lights of realizing his fantasy. He hasn’t thought through what he is asking. It’s your job to manage his expectations.

what does he really want?

The bottom line is that he wants to feel your control during a scene. A scene is a series of activities that fulfill the fantasy. It has a beginning and an end. Most usually take from an hour (or less) to three or four. When the scene is done, you both return to your normal selves. Period.

When I teach a workshop for couples who are curious about experiencing this power exchange, we try a group scene. Generally, there are between five and ten couples in the room. You can do this at home with your husband. The first step is to tell him that you are now in charge. Ask him if he understands. He has to say, “Yes.” You both speak in normal tones. No need for, “Yes, ma’am,” just, “Yes” is fine.

Next tell him to stand in front of you. You remain seated. If he hesitates, just smile at him. He’ll do it. Tell him to undress. In the workshops, many men will say, “Seriously?” The answer is a soft-but-firm yes. In the workshop, the women are facing a screen and I am projecting a PowerPoint with the dialogue for them. Tell him to fold his clothes neatly and pile them on the floor behind you. When he’s done, tell him to stand in front of you with his hands behind his back.

Chances are good that he will be erect. You’ve just taken control and pushed some important buttons for him. It wasn’t hard for you to do, was it? There was no yelling, no whips, and chains, just quiet commands that he obeyed. He did something for you that he wouldn’t do on his own. That’s the secret of being dominant. He moves into uncomfortable territory at your command. You didn’t have to change at all.

the language of power

You have just spoken your first sentence in the language of power. You’ve made your partner strip and stand naked in front of you. He may expect to be rewarded by getting sex. He’s about to be surprised again. Look him up and down and then tell him to get dressed. If he tries to discuss this with you, tell him to be silent and do as he is told. Once dressed, tell him to stand in front of you with his hands clasped behind his back.

The message you just sent was very powerful. It feels very vulnerable to be naked and exposed while your partner is fully dressed. It’s even more disturbing to be sexually aroused when she isn’t interested in sex and ignores your arousal.  That’s power. It’s also an excellent first scene.

Invite him to sit on the floor in front of you. Ask him if he liked what just happened. He may be frustrated, but he’s probably delighted. Did you have fun? If you did, great. If not, you now know why women charge money to do this for men.

The secret of successful topping is to provide your partner with as much experience as possible without putting yourself in a difficult or very uncomfortable position. You’ve just learned that without any drama or physical effort, you successfully dominated your partner.

This isn’t going to be enough going forward. It’s just a little exercise to let you both experience the power exchange he wants. It also establishes an important bit of infrastructure. Scenes are conducted with you dressed and him naked. This is always true whether at home or at a play party. His clothes come off before you start a scene. He has his first rule.

At least while you are both learning, it’s a good idea to leave sex out of a scene. He can be hard and dripping, but he has to learn that he doesn’t get sexually rewarded for accepting your control. It’s obvious that BDSM is rooted in sex. But it’s not a good idea to reward obedience with orgasms. Obedience is to be expected. It’s the baseline of BDSM. Orgasms aren’t part of that equation.

After your discussion of how you both felt with the scene–you should say it was fun to control him whether or not that was true–it’s part of the fantasy realization service you are rendering. He needs to believe you like doing things to him. It adds to the contrasts of the power exchange. If he expresses reservations, a little smile followed by, “You will learn to accept it.” is all that’s required.

After that discussion, ask him to stand. You stand too and hug him. Tell him that he was very good and that you love him. Then return to normal life. Next time we’ll consider other things you cvan do. See? Dominating your husband is something you can learn to do.