Female led relationship with discipline

We’ve both been writing about the wall we seem to have hit in terms of Mrs. Lion spanking me for saying or doing things that upset her. She’s made some very good points. One is that it doesn’t feel fair to punish me for something that I really didn’t play a very large part in. I understand that. I think that the problem is that the sort of offenses I may commit in terms of interacting with her are subtle and frequently not intentional. It would be one thing if when I got angry I acted brattily. I don’t. I’m generally not aware of times when I interrupt her or otherwise make her feel bad.

I don’t think Mrs. Lion or any other disciplinary wife expects to turn her husband into a perfect, saintly man. It’s no accident that most wives will often refer to their husbands as their “oldest child”. Obviously, they don’t expect us to have perfect communication skills inside our marriages.

Mrs. Lion reserves punishment for when I break a rule. I have a few concrete, easy-to-spot rules she enforces consistently. She attempted to make a couple of behavioral rules: no interrupting and no acting like a know-it-all. I have to agree that those are reasonable rules. However, Mrs. Lion has found them impossible to enforce. I think the reason for this is that infractions of those rules generally occur while we are communicating. She’s focusing on the topic at hand and not my communication style. The only times she’s even snarled at me about one of those infractions has been when my behavior was particularly egregious.

Remembering the offense

That’s the dilemma. Is it worth the effort to interrupt a chain of thought to call me out? What happens to the real subject of the conversation if she growls at me about interrupting? It’s not easy to pick up a conversational thread when you switch gears so drastically. In the context of our communication, it isn’t particularly sensible to stop things and inform me I’m in trouble. Even if Mrs. Lion decides to make a mental note of my transgression and then inform me and punish me later, she’s burdened with the obligation to remember exactly what happened. That’s not reasonable. We were having a conversation because we needed to discuss something, not because she was testing me to make sure I wouldn’t interrupt.

Does this mean that we should abandon the idea that her disciplinary role also applies to my communication style? I hope it doesn’t. Based on my research, disciplinary wives with a lifetime set of experiences involving parents punishing them, develop a skill to manage these conversational issues. They appear to be able to make a mental note of behavioral infractions. Then, at a more opportune time, recall the situations, and advise their husbands that they committed spankable offenses.

does a snarl mean i get spanked?

On occasion, Mrs. Lion has snarled at me when I displeased her while we were talking. I think that’s a perfectly effective way to let me know that I’ve done something wrong. It’s also much more subtle than announcing that I was going to be spanked. Maybe we both have to recognize that a snarl signals that a spanking will be forthcoming when convenient. That way we avoid undue interruptions of our conversation. Mrs. Lion can also make me jointly responsible for remembering a snarl.

Mrs. Lion may consider this unfair. After all, her snarl may just be a warning for me to watch myself. If we are keeping track of those snarls, when we discuss them, she can decide what, if any penalty has been earned. If she spanks me when she snarls at least some of the time, I will be on notice that I may be in for a painful paddling. If it turns out the snarl was just a warning, at least we will have discussed the situation.

The principal value of spanking for bad behavior is that each time that behavior is repeated, a sense of fear accompanies it. If a lioness snarl often results in a sore bottom, it will get my full, undivided attention. After all, that’s what Mrs. Lion wants. It’s a matter of training. She learns to identify and express her reaction to the behavior she doesn’t like. Any expression of displeasure has to be taken seriously because it’s very likely to result in a spanking later. If it doesn’t, I can consider myself lucky.

If it seems that I’m spending too much time thinking about this, consider that in our 17 years together those behavioral issues have been the most frequent cause of Mrs. Lion being angry at me. She has a long record of not expressing her anger in any way. I think the health of our marriage can be vastly improved if she learns to express her feelings. My behavior will improve if I learn to take those expressions very seriously. She has the tools and knows how to use them. It’s just a matter of learning a new skill.

[Mrs. Lion — Lion is due for a spanking based on a conversation we had earlier. I made a statement, Lion said it was dumb (I’m simplifying) and took over the conversation. I tried to explain my statement but he was already fired up. I told him he was being difficult. Voices raised. And we were both frustrated with each other. Mr. Knowitall will get some paddle attention.]

I am writing this on Thursday afternoon. All-day I’ve been feeling pretty good. It’s still too early to know whether or not my mysterious illness is going to strike again. It’s an intestinal vampire. It seems to sleep all day and then creep out as it gets dark. Oddly enough, it tends to leave me alone while I sleep. This is probably due to the fact that I use the medicine the doctor gave me just before I go to bed. If I stay reasonably pain-free later, maybe I can convince Mrs. Lion to do something sexual with me. I know it’s way too soon for an orgasm and I’m probably not ready for one anyway.

Based on her post yesterday (“He Really Did Ask For It“), she’s more aware of how I affect her. That’s good. Well, good for us but maybe not so good for my rear end. I’m not trying to find new ways to get spanked. I know it seems that way. I’m also not looking for ways for Mrs. Lion to be more outwardly dominant. Mind you, I wouldn’t mind if she was, but that isn’t the point of this. I really want to know when she’s upset with me. I also want her to help me learn to avoid doing things she doesn’t like.

I know it’s difficult for many to believe, but settling these upsetting situations with a spanking actually clears the slate. There’s a sense of closure and just resolution when the punishment is done. I don’t know if Mrs. Lion has articulated this, but I do get the sense that by spanking me she is resolving a feeling that might otherwise fester under the surface.

The other day when she spanked me, she let me know it was for two offenses. She told me when she was finished spanking me for forgetting the coffee pot. Then she announced I was being punished for being snarky. I took all that in. The second part of the spanking was if anything, more severe than the first. I felt punished for upsetting her. I hope she felt vindicated.

It turns out that for us, punishment, physical punishment does more than satisfy some kinky need for spanking. It goes beyond the idea of dominance and submission. It’s true that both kinks are involved. They are the match that lights the disciplinary flame. I don’t think either of us thinks about BDSM or sex when I’m being punished. It’s about sending a message. Of course, there are other ways to send this kind of message. DD is what works for us.

It’s not a simple cause-and-effect process. It’s complex and emotional. It is easy to define what we do. I don’t think either of us really understands why it works. All we know is that it’s something that works for us. I’m very glad it does.

Soon, I will be out of work. Between unemployment insurance and the $600 a week from the federal recovery program, we should be okay. The US president’s comments aside, more reliable estimates are that we’ll be here at home at least 60 more days, more likely 90. Like many companies, mine will be paying any insurance I have through them (unfortunately, health insurance is paid for by me outside the company). There’s a good chance I’ll have a job when they get back to normal. Mrs. Lion works for a small medical practice. It’s a little less certain that they’ll be able to weather another three months of being closed.

Obviously, I wasn’t in the mood for sex last night. I’m less worried about the financial impact on me than I am concerned about if, in fact, my job will actually waiting for me. Right now the company is considering which projects it can afford to lose. Once things get back to normal, it’s going to be a long time before activity grows enough to support the kind of operations we had before COVID-19.

We’ve gotten more than the usual number of comments about how in the face of a pandemic how we can write about, much less practice our female led relationship. I think there is a remarkable lack of understanding of how dominant/submissive relationships work. I’ve been on both sides of the paddle. For 20 years I was a top as well as the dominant member of a master/slave relationship. Many people, particularly wannabe submissives think that being in a D/S relationship means the dominant partner micromanages every single bit of the submissive’s life.

In fact, some years ago I had a conversation with a wannabe submissive. She was telling me all the things that she wanted her dominant to do. She wanted to be spanked, tied up, told to do things (she wants to be told to do), etc. When I asked her what the dominant got out of it, she stopped abruptly and looked surprised. She said, “Dominating me.” I pointed out that I didn’t think there was anything particularly exciting about such a privilege. She looked haughty and said I just don’t understand. At that point in time, I had my 24/7 slave for almost 6 years. I think I knew what it was about.

The woman I lived with would have loved it if I micromanaged her. I made it clear from the very start that it was not on the menu. My approach was that she could run her own life except when I decided I wanted her to do something my way. She’s a very bright person and had a very good job. She could easily handle the domestic chores she had to do without my help. In other words, I had the last word. That’s what it means to be the dominant member of the partnership.

Mrs. Lion almost never tells me what to do. I think about what she might want and I try to provide for her. We have a very loving partnership. Yes, there are some interesting differences between our marriage and most others. As you probably know, she punishes me if I need it. We divide up chores and responsibilities based on our abilities. I used to cook a lot. I like to cook. With my failing vision and bad shoulders, it’s tough for me. She’s had to take that over. I pay the bills and manage all the technical needs in our house. She’s had to pick up most of the physical tasks.

I’m allowed to be grumpy sometimes. I don’t have any special way I have to speak to her. We do some BDSM play and of course, she is the top. Over the years in this role, she has learned to be more aware of her own feelings and lets me know if I do or say things that upset her. The way she lets me know is a little different than in most marriages: she spanks me.

FLR’s are seriously misunderstood. That’s too bad. Couples that have done this for a long time seem to be much happier than their vanilla counterparts. The reason I think is that things aren’t allowed to fester. Mrs. Lion is strongly encouraged to express her feelings. I’ve always been okay about expressing mine. We communicate. She’s always been better at taking things to heart and trying to change. I’m more stubborn. My stubbornness can be overcome with five-minute meetings with her paddle. I’m not claiming it’s easy. I do know that for us, at least, it works.

I asked for it. I let Mrs. Lion know that I like being teased. Now, she is much less likely to give me an orgasm even if I’ve been waiting for a long time. I’m pretty sure she won’t push me too far into the future. She likes making me ejaculate. On the other hand, she has considerable fun watching me humping air when she brings me right to the edge. She knows I love getting a blow job and has learned to effectively edge me with her mouth. That means I can’t assume that because she is using her mouth, she will let me come.

It’s important that she keeps me waiting. If she gets me off because I really want to ejaculate, I am effectively in control. If she demonstrates her authority by repeatedly edging me even though I’ve been waiting a long time, she is reinforcing a role.

What we do by practicing orgasm control is to turn what many people think is a natural instinctive activity into something that is consciously planned. It’s true that if we weren’t practicing male chastity, I might get more opportunities to ejaculate. There’s also a very good chance I wouldn’t.

Before we began all this, Mrs. Lion had lost interest in sex. It kind of tapered out over several years. As a result, I don’t think she thought about sex too much in terms of me. I had to hint very strongly in order to get her to jerk me off. I didn’t like that. I’ve always been terrible at initiating. I was even worse about asking for something just for me. As a result, she got me off about once a month. Even though she wasn’t aware of it, I took care of myself two or three times a week.

When I asked her to lock me up in a male chastity device, we made an agreement that she would do something sexual with me at least every other day. Of course, she did not agree to get me off every other day. All she agreed to do was tease me. I was told that I could never jerk off again. Mrs. Lion told me that it really bothered her that I could get myself off. Of course, it was easy for me to obey that requirement because she had me locked in a chastity device full-time. It only came off when she played with me.

In our case, by putting structure around something that people might think should be “natural”, we took care of a festering problem. Beginning enforced male chastity also improved our communication. When we also began a Female Led Relationship with Discipline, communication further improved on several levels.

The most important one, I think, was that Mrs. Lion was able to let me know how she felt and make sure I understood how I could make things better. As my disciplining wife, she had the duty to punish me when I did something I shouldn’t. In the beginning, this applied just to the rules she made. Later, as we both grew, I was also disciplined for annoying her or being rude to her.

I get spanked anytime Mrs. Lion feels I need it. The spanking is beneficial because it reinforces my desire to do what she wishes. But that’s not the real benefit. The real benefit is that Mrs. Lion has agreed to let me know anytime I do something that annoys her. This has been very difficult for her. She’s still working on being able to do this consistently.

Even though a lot of interest is expressed about our orgasm control and spanking, the real benefit is the way we’ve improved our communication. It’s interesting that this communication includes physical activity — edging and spanking — that assures we stay in close touch. There is much more to this than playing with my penis or swatting my bottom. I agree that those activities are things we like, but the real reason we keep them up year after year is that they help us get closer and grow.