Category: Female led relationship with discipline

Since we started our female led relationship, I’ve struggled with the apparent contradiction between being in a serious Female Led Relationship with Discipline and finding it sexually exciting that I am in this situation. The same basic conflict exists with male chastity and orgasm control. On one hand, it’s very frustrating and aggravating to be forced to wait to ejaculate. On the other hand, it’s probably the most exciting sexual activity I’ve ever had. That’s easy to understand. After all, it’s all about sex.

My conflicting feelings around discipline are much harder to reconcile. It’s true that I’ve always enjoyed being spanked as part of a BDSM scene. As I’ve discussed many times, this enjoyment challenges Mrs. Lion to distinguish a punishment spanking from one that I like receiving. For the record, she’s done a very good job.

We’ve both discovered that our disciplinary relationship isn’t purely about correcting my behaviors. From the beginning, I’ve tried to believe that our FLRD is a serious, non-sexual matter. Yes, I know I am turned on thinking about being spanked, but I also know that once I start receiving a punishment spanking there is no sexual pleasure. If we stop there we have a consistent disciplinary relationship. Both of us have discovered that once I correct the behaviors that earned punishments, both of us feel a kind of loss.

Mrs. Lion and I don’t consult about what we’re going to post. A good percentage of the time, our posts end up being quite closely related. The past few days are a good example of this. Each of us has provided our unique side of the same issue. We are not happy that I am no longer committing offenses. As Mrs. Lion said in her post on Monday, I did interrupt her and she handled it with a growl instead of a spanking. That was the only offense in at least two weeks. She went on to write that she needs to look for new offenses I can’t help but commit fairly often.

This may sound odd to you. It seems that she wants more opportunities to spank me. We are not talking about play spankings. She can give me as many of these as she would like. She’s referring to full-on disciplinary spankings. I didn’t say anything to prompt her comment.

At the same time, without any consultation, I wrote about how I felt there is a hole in our relationship. I missed the sense of stability and control I get when Mrs. Lion spanks me. I proposed maintenance spankings as a way of filling that gap. Obligingly, Mrs. Lion gave me one on Monday night.

If this is just about the need to spank and be spanked, it would be very easy to provide maintenance spankings on a frequent basis. Neither of us is shy about asking for or delivering spankings of any intensity. There’s just a little problem looking at things that way. Mrs. Lion doesn’t get pleasure out of delivering a disciplinary spanking. She enjoys doing the play variety, but not the much more painful disciplinary sort. Similarly, I don’t like receiving disciplinary spankings. It’s true, the idea of getting one is arousing. The actual delivery is anything but pleasant. Even a rather mild maintenance spanking is something I’m sorry I’m receiving.

If both of us don’t consider giving and receiving harsh, disciplinary spankings enjoyable, then why do we both feel we need to find situations to deliver more of them? I know Mrs. Lion is not a secret sadist. I’m definitely not much of a masochist. I believe there’s a great deal more going on than we talk about.

I think we both want the exceptional closeness our disciplinary relationship gives us. You could think of it as a sort of game. I think this is probably true in any domestic discipline situation. The game is fairly simple. One player, the disciplining wife, has a set of rules that both people have agreed upon. In many cases, like our marriage, she also has the right to unilaterally create and punish actions that had previously not been agreed to as rules. The disciplined husband has a very strong incentive to obey all the rules, both explicit and implied. Failing to obey one results in a very painful spanking.

The reason I couched this in the language of a game is based on my most recent discovery. Mrs. Lion and I want more than just to correct my behavior. We want, even like, the challenge of observing behavior and penalizing errors. This may not seem to make a lot of sense. I know it’s true of us because Mrs. Lion’s discipline has been very successful in correcting the behaviors she wanted to change. It’s exceptionally rare that I break any of my rules. If I do, like forgetting punishment day, a disciplinary spanking renews my attentiveness.

Mrs. Lion likes catching me. I like it when she does. I know I’m not going to like what happens next, but that’s the cost of playing the game. Recently, Mrs. Lion felt that a full disciplinary spanking seemed much too severe for infractions like spilling food on my shirt. I agreed. So, she replaced spanking for these minor offenses with mouth soaping and corner time. For the record, I don’t like either of those punishments.

A little surprisingly, getting my mouth soaped didn’t improve my memory and I continued forgetting punishment days. When Mrs. Lion went back to a disciplinary spanking for forgetting, my memory improved immediately. This was nothing conscious on my part. I always try to obey my rules. I genuinely forgot those punishment days. My memory actually improved once my bottom was made sore enough.

I realize that a lot of people are heavily invested in the “seriousness” of a female-led relationship. It does have serious aspects. It isn’t a joke and I have absolutely no way to change the dynamic. The truth is I don’t want to. The more surprising truth is I want Mrs. Lion to find more ways to catch me. I know the price and I openly accept it.

What’s different is that I am much more aware of how important the “game” is to both of us. The outcome of “playing” is that I become a better man. More importantly, we both feel closer the more intensely we play it. I think it’s this very strong benefit of increased intimacy and closeness that makes us both want to remain as strict as possible. The reason corner time and mouth soaping weren’t effective is that they didn’t offer a strong enough consequence to keep us both playing seriously.

Mrs. Lion and I have exchanged emails talking rather lightly about the fact that we need more, easier-to-break rules. For very different reasons, we both want more of those butt-blistering spanking sessions. Even Monday night’s maintenance spanking added a distinctly more positive tone to the rest of our evening. I guess lions just like to play rough.

It’s that time of year when the days are very short and the weather dismal. This is when it’s best to be indoors and under the covers snuggling. Yesterday was certainly one of those days. I had the day off from work but sadly Mrs. Lion’s office wasn’t closed for the holiday. Snuggling under the covers alone isn’t much fun at all. So I decided to get out of bed, trudge into my home office, and make you miserable along with me.

I suppose it’s natural for people to try to generalize based on their individual experiences. Sometimes the generalizations are highly flattering, more often they range from mildly insulting to outright libelous. So-called submissive men take hits from both sides of the buffet. Vanilla or non-submissive men consider them an inferior species and often question their sexual orientation. After all, what “real man” would let a woman spank him?

Women aren’t much kinder. Many equate male sexual submissiveness with weakness. After all, “real men” take charge, initiate sex, and make decisions. Of course, there are exceptions. But even people who are in intimate relationships with submissive men fall prey to these stereotypes.

Worse yet, the men themselves buy into this as well. Submission is equated with weakness. That’s not surprising. Aggressiveness equates to strength. Stereotypes tend to oversimplify to the point that real damage can be done to the people being stereotyped. The real question is whether sexually submissive men have flawed personalities that drive them to this role? If they do, do these same flaws appear elsewhere in their lives?

I thought a lot about this. A good deal of the problem may be attributable to terminology. If the word “submissive” is a noun, then it describes a specific type of person. This may seem obvious but stay with me. If, on the other hand, the word is an adjective then it just describes specific behaviors, not the entire person. It’s even possible to overgeneralize the adjective. I am sexually submissive. However, that’s not entirely accurate. I do some things that are sexually submissive but I don’t think 100% of my sexuality is defined by submissive behaviors.

I got to thinking about this because I realize that most of my behavior isn’t submissive. When I read posts by other men who assume a similar sexual role, They too limit their submission to very specific areas of their lives. This brings me to the central point: If I define the boundaries of my sexual submission and I maintain control over them, am I really being submissive?

Dominance and submission in the animal kingdom aren’t choices made by members of a given community. Submission is imposed by dominant members. It’s not a choice. The same is true of human societal situations. Submission is imposed; it isn’t chosen. Sexual submission in the context I’m talking about represents choices made by the person who wishes to submit. I wanted Mrs. Lion to be in charge of sex. I wanted her to expand her authority into other areas of my life. I wanted her to dominate me in specific situations.

This includes physically punishing me for breaking a rule or failing to do something I’ve been assigned. This certainly appears to be classic submission. Mrs. Lion announces that I’ve done something wrong and then proceeds to punish me. Behind the scenes, it’s a little more complicated. I’ve given Mrs. Lion the authority to do this. However, we’ve agreed on specific rules and also general areas of authority she can impose. What we do is 100% consensual. More importantly, we do it because it works for us. It doesn’t matter how it looks to anyone else.

This is also true of my orgasm control. Mrs. Lion has complete say over when I get to ejaculate. I’ve given her this authority because it sexually exciting to me. She has taken it because it provides social and sexual lubrication inside our marriage.

When we first started with enforced male chastity and later domestic discipline, Mrs. Lion was fairly sure I wouldn’t like it once she got going. She wasn’t sure she would like it either. We both knew that would be way too easy to quit after a short time. We agreed to stick with both for at least six months and then decide whether or not we wanted to continue.

To Mrs. Lion’s surprise, I didn’t want to quit. She was willing, but not terrifically enthusiastic, about continuing. So we did. It became part of our lives. It feels perfectly natural for her to spank me when needed and to be the sole arbiter of when I get to ejaculate. You could argue that it just became a habit. We never discussed that until very recently. After my spinal surgery, all rules were suspended and sex was extremely limited. As I slowly recovered, I realized that I felt something was missing. I asked Mrs. Lion if she felt the same way. She said she did. That was when we discovered that our disciplinary relationship and my orgasm control were more than habits. Somehow they have become positive forces inside our marriage.

When I thought about it more I realized that whether we were aware of it or not, we each had to be getting some benefit out of doing these things. It was work for Mrs. Lion and discomfort and frustration for me. When those things stopped happening, there was a subtle change in our dynamic. I can’t explain it. Neither can Mrs. Lion.

So-called sexual submission is not one-way. It’s a conversation between two people. The language is often nonverbal, but it is important to the people who practice it. If Mrs. Lion doesn’t find reason to punish me for a week or two, I start to feel something is missing. That means the connection isn’t just obedience and training. The actual activity of being spanked is very positive for me. I’m not referring to a play spanking. I do like those and they turn me on. I’m referring to a disciplinary paddling. I wish I could be more descriptive about why it’s important for me. All I can say is that whether I get it for breaking a rule or just because it’s something I need, it provides a connection between Mrs. Lion and I we don’t get any other way. It’s also an emotional anchor for me.

I guess I need maintenance spankings when I haven’t provided any other reason to be punished. It’s not too surprising. The need that drove me to ask Mrs. Lion to take charge was much more than some sort of yearning for maternal authority. Just because I can’t articulate exactly why it works, doesn’t mean that there aren’t multiple reasons why our marriage benefits. The important thing to me is that I recognize that our roles are far more complex than the relatively simplistic disciplinary equation they seem to fit into. Each time that Mrs. Lion observes an infraction and punishes me, a bond between us is strengthened.

This is clearly illustrated by the evolution of Mrs. Lion’s punishment style. It took her a very long time to go from light love taps to a true disciplinary spanking. It had much less to do with worry about injuring me than it did trust that I would accept what she chose to inflict. At the same time I learned to remain in place for serious spanking, she learned that she could spank me as long and as hard as she felt was appropriate. She’s learned that while I get some input, it’s completely okay for her to decide where to draw the limits.

We are in a good place. Aside from being my disciplining wife, Mrs. Lion takes very good care of me. We have complete trust in one another. You may think the way we express it is a little odd, but it works for us.

Circling back to why I started this post, I don’t consider myself particularly submissive. I’m pretty much an alpha male. I have voluntarily surrendered power to the person I trust most in the entire world, Mrs. Lion. I prove that I have each time she punishes me. Maybe that’s why maintenance spankings are important to me. It gives me a chance to re-establish the level of trust I have in her.

Sometimes it seems that Mrs. Lion and I are reinventing domestic discipline. Of course, we aren’t. We do seem to need to learn by experiment. Most recently, we both felt that a full-scale spanking seemed out of line for relatively trivial offenses. To try to fix that, Mrs. Lion instituted less severe retribution for those misdemeanors. They include standing in a corner, sitting on the punishment stool, and getting my mouth washed out with soap.

Sadly, I don’t think they are very effective. I agree that it seems unfair that I receive a strong spanking for spilling some food on my shirt. But that’s just because we have a sense that there must be some sort of equity between the severity of an offense in the retribution it earns. I don’t think that’s correct for me.

If the objective of rules and retribution for breaking them is to educate me to avoid those behaviors, the punishment has to send the message that I should not repeat my offense. Getting my mouth washed out with soap or spending some time on my punishment stool apparently doesn’t send that message. Spanking does.

Take, for instance, forgetting to remind Mrs. Lion of punishment day. I’ve regularly forgotten to tell her that Saturday is one of her punishment days. Only after I received a strong spanking, was enough of an impression made that I now work hard to remember. In other words, regardless of how unfair it might seem, a sore bottom is the best way to teach me. If I forget again, I need a refresher course.

Apparently, I’m binary when it comes to punishment. It only works if it’s a long, hard spanking. Anything else has little effect on me. I also think that Mrs. Lion is happier when she gives out binary punishment. After all, a rule is a rule and it must be obeyed. One might seem less important than another and I suppose in the scheme of life offenses certainly have varying weights. However, in our context, anything deserving the attention of becoming an enforceable rule merits the application of severe punishment for breaking it.

At least for me, in order for there to be a real behavioral change, I need two things: First, completely consistent enforcement. I don’t learn very well if exceptions are made. This puts a burden on Mrs. Lion to consistently observe and punish offenses. Second, the punishment has to be meaningful to me. Since I am an adult and I enjoy play spanking, punishments have to be especially severe for me to make the correct educational connections.

This has nothing to do with cruelty or severity. It’s a simple fact that unless a spanking rises to a certain level of discomfort, I’m not going to take it seriously enough for it to motivate me to change. Experience has taught us that. If I am sufficiently unhappy after a spanking, I will be much more careful to avoid earning another. If I’m not careful enough, obviously I need stronger motivation.

For a long time, Mrs. Lion resisted this line of thinking. More recently, she tried giving me consecutive days of spanking as a more serious punishment. It was on the right track but after a couple of days, both of us forgot why we were doing it. The most recent idea is that a minimum spanking lasts about five minutes. Given Mrs. Lion’s skill that’s plenty of time for me to be sorry. More serious offenses earn longer ones. We have yet to get to a longer spanking.

This isn’t entirely due to Mrs. Lion being lenient. My bottom tends to bleed after a while. It appears that the skin just cracks. I’ve been applying skin softening cream to my derrière. My most recent spanking had nearly no pleading at all. I just need to remember the daily skin treatment regime. Maybe I need a rule for this.

The bottom line is that we are all different. Mrs. Lion is learning what does and doesn’t work when she needs to punish me. The more effective she is the more rapidly I learn what I need to know. I guess we could call it the school of hard swats.

We had a snowstorm starting Sunday night and extending into yesterday. Our vehicles are both four-wheel-drive so we had no problems getting around. There are very few snowplows in our area. This is the first snow we’ve had in two years. The accumulation is about 4 inches. This is enough to force school closures and generally have people hunker down in their houses. Mrs. Lion went to work yesterday and had very little trouble with the weather, just with pokey drivers.

I’m writing this post late on Monday afternoon. Mrs. Lion just came home from work. She left early to avoid getting on slippery roads after sundown. With any luck, we can have a reasonably early dinner and maybe some time for fun.

It’s both good news and bad news that I haven’t been spanked in over a week. I have a love/hate relationship with the paddle. Like almost every other man who is spanked by his wife, I had a long-standing interest in spanking. Mrs. Lion and I practiced recreational spanking for 10 years before we considered other uses for it.

A few things have moved from the “just because” category to the punishment category. This includes things like the punishment stool, mouth soaping, diapers, and of course spanking. It’s true that these activities are certainly valid punishments and Mrs. Lion uses them effectively. The thing is that in the past she used them differently. These activities were used to pique my sexual interest. She knows this stuff turns me on. She also used it as a way to assert her dominant role. There’s nothing like being made to sit in with diapers for a day or two to remind a guy who’s in charge.

There are a couple of good ways to approach this dual function of what was formally just for fun. A very good one, perhaps the best, would be to make more rules that would be very easy for me to break. This would give Mrs. Lion an excuse to sit me in a wet diaper or something else equally unpleasant. Or, she could just decide I should do these things for no reason at all. I’m fine with that as well.

As I’ve learned more about how other people do this sort of stuff and I’ve thought about it more deeply, I realize that even in the most orthodox domestic discipline household, there is that underlying turn on at being punished. Since almost every Female Led Relationship with Discipline is initiated by the husband, it makes sense. What interested me the most about all this is that as I started reading various websites that talked about domestic discipline. I couldn’t find one that didn’t have a sort of sexual undertone.

It’s true that every single guy (almost all of the material I read was about disciplined men, though there was a good dose of females too) talked about an “attraction” to spanking prior to being disciplined. That doesn’t mean that they, or for that matter I, get turned on by our spankings. I certainly don’t. I’m turned on thinking about being spanked. But once Mrs. Lion gets going, I’m not having a good time.

After my spanking, I have mixed feelings at first. If the spanking was strong enough, my butt will be burning and I will be focused on trying to find a comfortable way to sit or lie down. After that, it becomes more of a fond memory. And when it hurts to sit down the next day, I’m reminded what happened to me the day before. The discomfort does remind me that I did something wrong. It also is a little bit of a turn on. It’s almost a physical memory of something I always wanted.

This duality used to bother me quite a bit. It seemed to me that being punished for breaking a rule should be horribly unpleasant and something I would dread. I reasoned that if there was any pleasure involved, it might be something I would seek. Actually, the fact that I like to think about being spanked helps lubricate the process of punishing me.

When it’s time for me to assume the position, I’m a little excited. I willingly get into position. Once there, I’m stuck. I know that. What ensues is absolutely unpleasant. I’m just not bright enough to remember that the next time I’m told to bend over. Maybe it’s this sexual attraction to something like a punishment that’s the secret sauce in a disciplinary relationship. I’m pretty sure it is. The only question left is, do I want fries with that?

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