Category: Keyholder

I’m sitting in our new house on one of our dining room chairs with the computer on our waxing/massage table . Mrs. Lion brought these items over to give me someplace to sit while I wait for our new washing machine to be delivered. (It never arrived. The store changed delivery date at the last minute.) It’s an odd feeling being in an empty, unfamiliar place. It will take a long time before we can make this our home. The movers are scheduled to come on Saturday.that’s when the real fun begins.

I’m writing using my new laptop. It’s one more unfamiliar thing. I’m fully dressed. This is the most unusual sensation. When I’m home or any other place where there is privacy, the rule is that I am naked. I guess I’ve become an involuntary nudist. It’s not exactly involuntary. At this point wearing clothing is what feels unnatural. The nudity-at-home rule has been in effect for the full 17 years Mrs. Lion and I have been together. After all this time, it’s my natural state.

That’s the thing about rules: obey them long enough and they just become part of your nature. For me this is true about masturbation. It’s been six years since I’ve jerked off. No masturbation was Mrs Lion’s first rule when I asked her to lock me in a chastity device. It isn’t the sort of rule you would expect a keyholder to make at the same time she was locking her male into a  chastity device.

Actually, it came about because I told her that one reason that I wanted to be locked up was because I thought it would be an incentive for us to interact sexually more often. I went on to say that over the last several years, I had been masturbating one or two times a week because we were not doing anything sexual together more than once a month.

She was surprised that I masturbated. She had no idea I did that. I was surprised she didn’t realize I was jerking off now and then. She was unhappy that I was getting off on my own. I think that she considers me jerking off is a form of cheating. I was having sex with someone other than her. I never thought of it that way. I just considered it a way of relieving sexual frustration.

That was that. I did point out that I couldn’t masturbate if I wanted to. I was securely locked in a steel cage. There was no way for me to play with myself. Nevertheless, she made it absolutely clear that locked or not I was to never make myself ejaculate. She would be my only source of sexual satisfaction. There were no exceptions. Some keyholders allow their males to masturbate under their direct supervision. Not me. My paws were forever forbidden to get myself off.

Mrs Lion understood that the key to conditioning me to keep my hands off her weenie was to never under any circumstances allow me to satisfy myself. I was surprised that after a few years of continuous lockup, I completely forgot how to get myself off. I don’t even think about it. I know that I could probably make myself come, but I don’t really want to. I do like making myself hard once in a while when I’m wild. Mrs Lion knows I do it and while she didn’t explicitly tell me I could, she never said I couldn’t. I’ve written about this practice several times and she has never said anything either way. [Mrs. Lion – Actually I told him he should watch himself. I don’t want him doing it too often.]

Operative conditioning is the process of instilling nearly-instinctive behavior through learning. This is what happened to me. It happens to anyone who is consistently made to perform or avoid a behavior. This is good news for the power exchange, but it does have a darker side?

Most people, when they read about someone who is conditioned this way, react negatively because they feel person was a victim of a Svengalian manipulation. People like me who welcome control, also have a problem with it. Nudity and hands-off the weenie are now built into my psyche. I don’t get any rush of sexual energy thinking about being naked or about not being allowed to get myself off. Those things are just part of me.

This happens even in casual BDSM situations. In those cases, there isn’t the kind of operative conditioning that changes a behavior permanently. There is a kind of familiarity that sets in and robs the bottom of the little thrill submitting provides. Anyone who has been in a dominant/submissive relationship knows that there is almost constant pressure to escalate the way the dominant partner exhibits power.

I spent decades as a top/dominant practitioner. I had several long term relationships with bottoms. Invariably, their need for escalation would push me to the point that it became too much trouble trying to satisfy their need to restore the submissive thrill.

In our relationship we need to be careful to manage this issue. It’s possible to both condition and keep the thrill alive. We discovered a way accidentally. When we first started our disciplinary relationship, we realized that neither of us had any real experience in the sort of power exchange we were beginning. Mrs Lion knew that we needed a lot of practice to instill the disciplinary habits we needed. She decided that if she made some rules I couldn’t help breaking, there would be legitimate reasons punish me and thereby teach both of us the disciplinary habits we wanted.

This meant that at some point we would have two distinctly different kinds of rules. The first kind, like forbidding me to spill food on my shirt, had no real emotional loading and, given the way I eat, guaranteed to provide plenty of opportunities punish me. It also provided Mrs Lion a very good laboratory in which to learn how to observe my behavior consistently. It’s worked very well. A little surprisingly to me, I actually stopped spilling food on my shirt very often. I recently started again because my eyesight has suffered and I can’t always see where food ends up going. My current backlog of spankings is due to this problem. I don’t mind because we both still need practice.

The second kind of rule is much more difficult to observe and enforce. This is stuff that actually impacts our lives. For example, Mrs Lion hates it when I interrupt her. I suppose everyone hates that. For some time it’s been a punishable offense. She’s never consistently enforced it. In fact, she almost never lets me know when I do it.

It isn’t because Mrs Lion isn’t a terrific disciplining wife. It’s because there is a special kind of fear associated with calling someone out on something that carries the risk of being greeted with defiance or anger. It’s one thing to observe and punish something like getting food on my shirt. On the other hand, calling me out for interrupting can be risky on an emotional level.

Even though I’ve agreed that Mrs Lion has every right to punish me for doing things that annoy her, she knows that when she calls me out I will probably be upset because interrupting is an ingrained, if negative, part of my personality. It’s something I am doing that’s wrong. It isn’t silly or trivial. Actually, the trivial rules were put into place to develop the habit needed to enforce these more serious infractions.

But I digress. My point is that once some demonstration of power, whether it is a rule or some BDSM physical activity, becomes habitual, it loses a lot of its sexual value. You may think that this shouldn’t be a problem. After all, at least in our case, the rules and their enforcement are designed to lubricate our relationship. They aren’t about sexual thrills.

That’s true; they aren’t. It’s perfectly okay to completely disregard whether or not I get turned on thinking about breaking any rule. I’m on board with that. I know that I like those little tingles. I seek them out. Interestingly, one very common activity we practice is spanking. I always get a little aroused when I think about being spanked.

Over the last few years I received hundreds of spankings. Even though this activity is very painful and unpleasant, thinking about being spanked is remains a turn on. Given the way things like masturbation, spilling, and eating first became extinct thanks to consistent enforcement, you’d think that spanking would also become a routine part of my life.

It hasn’t. I still get that tingle when I think about being spanked. I get absolutely no sexual arousal out of the actual act. I hate every second of it. I can’t explain it. For some reason I am immune from becoming sexually indifferent about being spanked. I actively work to avoid spankings. I fear them. Mrs Lion has become a very severe disciplinarian. Yet, I can get an erection thinking about her punishing me this way.

This is relevant because apparently there are some things that never lose their thrill. Since spanking is not something that we do for play very often, it’s almost unfortunate that this activity turns out to be one that’s perennially arousing. It would be much better if I reacted sexually to things that aren’t associated with real punishment. The point is that those of us who are on the bottom crave that kind of sexual arousal. It doesn’t matter if the activity is painful or not. The anticipation and memories of having it happen turn us on.

So, when an activity stops getting my penis hard, it’s a loss. I want to look for other things to replace it.  I do long for the arousal I feel when Mrs Lion lets me know we will do some BDSM activity. She favors cock and ball torture. She enjoys putting Icy Hot on my balls, covering them with clothespins, or doing something else very uncomfortable to my genitals. Occasionally, she will doing anal play as well. I get very turned on thinking about that though I’ve never stayed hard when she’s done things there.

As a top, I disliked the pressure of having to come up with new ways to restore the thrill for my bottom. I know Mrs Lion feels the same way as my top. It comes with the territory. The key is for me to realize how difficult it is to keep that thrill alive and to work hard to make things easier for my lioness. She always has the good old standby of threatening me with a spanking.

The toughest thing about enforced male chastity and a disciplinary relationship is getting it started. Lots of people have written about how to ask your partner to take over your orgasms. I’ve written plenty about that too. Essentially, both conversations require overcoming the concept of mutuality. Most of us have a strong sense of fairness. We distrust one-sided arrangements.

Both orgasm control and domestic discipline on the surface, at least, appear very unfair. In a male chastity situation, the keyholder gets all the sex she wants. The male, on the other hand, has extremely limited access to ejaculation. It can be very difficult to convince a partner that restricting the opportunity to orgasm is actually more fun than the orgasm itself. It’s perfectly natural for people to assume that others feel the way they do. So, when you ask your partner to make you wait, sometimes a long time for an orgasm, it’s safe to guess that they are thinking about how they would feel if they were forced to be frustrated.

A much more difficult sell is starting a disciplinary relationship. In fairness, many of these relationships are started after the man behaves in a way his partner finds unacceptable. Things like excessive drinking, constant lateness, and other neglectful behaviors, jeopardize the relationship and begin to set up a situation where he has to either correct what he is doing or end the relationship. In those situations, if he introduces the idea of domestic discipline, she might be willing to try it as a sort of last-ditch effort to fix things.

By the way in both enforced chastity and FLRD, the man is almost always a partner who suggests it. Since all of this stuff is consensual, it does make sense that the man introduce it to the relationship.

Here’s the problem: In the case of a disciplinary relationship, the man is asking his partner to punish him if he misbehaves. If she came from a family that doesn’t punish physically, she is no context for his request. Even if your family spanked naughty children, the idea of the wife spanking her husband is probably not only alien but a bit frightening as well. After all, if she can spank him, isn’t she inviting him to be violent with her?

In both chastity and FLRD, the partner could also see these power exchanges as signs of male weakness. Even in our liberated times, many women like the idea of a strong husband. Can a strong husband maintain his place in the family if she spanks him? What kind of man would allow a woman to control him sexually?

These are natural questions. Chances are very good that in a conversation about starting one of these practices, she won’t mention this issue. She might not even think about it consciously. But because both represent a measure of surrender, the idea may make her uneasy. Another very common concern is that she will not feel comfortable trying something she’s never done before. Most women are comfortable with their men being sexual leaders, or the very least, equals. In a disciplinary relationship, there is a very strong, clear difference in roles. Taking over sexual control is a very mild form of leadership when compared with physically disciplining her partner when he fails to be obedient.

In both power exchanges a serious change in the marital balance is threatened. That’s why the classic conversation that centers on what he wants will very often fail. The chastity conversation is the easier of the two. The key is to talk about what he wants for himself. In other words, the discussion should be centered on the idea that it’s an enormous turn on to surrender orgasm control.

When I asked Mrs. Lion to take sexual control, I told her that the idea really turned me on and I love the idea of being locked in a chastity device. It was a very simple conversation. I wasn’t asking her to change the way she thinks about sex. I was just stating a preference that turned me on. That’s all we really needed. She agreed to take over orgasm control.

I was incredibly surprised to discover that her idea of orgasm control was to get me off every day. I wasn’t offended by this but I tired quickly trying to keep up with daily ejaculation. We talked about it and she quite reasonably said that if she is in control, making me come more frequently was every bit as strong an exercise of her power as making me wait. I explained that while true, I was having trouble keeping up with her.

It turned out that she really likes making me come. She decided to use her power to indulge this pleasure. She agreed that maybe it was pushing me a bit too hard and decided to reduce my frequency. Subsequently, she learned that she enjoys edging me. It’s fun for her to bring me to the very brink of ejaculation and then stop stimulating me. So, I get edged almost every day, and roughly once a week, I get to ejaculate. It’s a win-win.

The spanking conversation was much more difficult. I don’t have any glaringly serious behavioral problems. I’ve always liked spanking and get turned on thinking about my partner making rules and punishing me for breaking them. Since I believe in focusing on why I am asking for something, as opposed to the imagined benefits for Mrs. Lion, I explained how I felt about being spanked and being turned on if she exercised power over me.

We had a little bit of history which was on my side. Over the years, I would ask her to spank me — a play spanking — and she learned to spank my bottom for fun. So, when I asked her to punish me when required, she had the context of our play spankings to draw upon. However, she was very unsure about being my disciplinarian. She’s never wanted to be anyone’s disciplinarian.

She knew how I felt about being spanked and I suppose in the beginning she considered my request an extension of our play. She created a few simple rules that she knew I would break frequently. And we were off!

I didn’t ask for and didn’t get any punishment rituals. I just got paddled when I broke a rule. It took a long time for Mrs. Lion to get reasonably comfortable giving me a spanking that made me yelp. We didn’t drift far from our original rules. Only recently after about four years of this, has her role expanded to meaningful misbehavior that annoys her.

Over time, she’s made my chastity and role as disciplined husband something she owns. It takes time to make big changes. I think a lot of guys fail to realize how important these changes are to our partners.

Since my conversations that started this off were based 100% on what I expected to get from them, it was reasonably easy for Mrs. Lion to agree. When I began to get excited and want her role to expand, she had the good sense to listen to me and then tell me she wasn’t ready. It wasn’t a terrible blow because I was getting what I asked for in the first place.

I think we’re a good example of what happens when the major control my keyholder and disciplining wife took was to stop me from trying to push things too far too fast. Now, lioness 3.0 is here to stay. Orgasm control is my sex life. Spanking and FLRD are important parts of our relationship and we both support them wholeheartedly. When I do something wrong, I get that knowing look and she tells me how many days of punishment I am going to get. We don’t have any more discussions on the subject.

The initial conversation is important in both cases. But it’s not important the way most guys think. The key is to simplify the requests and restrict them to what you want. Resist any attempt to tell her the benefits she will get. I think you’ll find that like Mrs. Lion, your partner is much more receptive to doing things that will make you happy than she is to changing the way she thinks about her relationship with you.

Things aren’t always as they seem. Enforced male chastity is an onion of meanings, peeling back one reveals another, deeper reality. That isn’t meant to sound cryptic or ominous, but it’s the best way for me to describe what I mean.

The outer skin of this onion is the sexual thrill of the hardware. Wearing a chastity device feels sexy and there are many devices to try. Some men develop wardrobes of devices. They like trying new ones and changing up as the mood strikes. The focus is on the superficial thrill of wearing the devices. It’s like getting a new car when a new, sexier device is found. A lot of guys post pictures of their penises locked in the latest, shiny hardware.

Many guys stop here. Their devices are sexual fashion accessories. They may wear them 24/7, but they can lock and unlock themselves at will. Some have partners who also have keys. Ultimate control of being locked up is in the hands of the caged male. His partner will let him unlock when he wishes.

This outer layer is probably where most people stop. It’s a fun form of bondage. Using the cage to delay orgasm can become obsessive to some guys. The cage is the excuse for long-term orgasm delay.

The next layer down is where the keyholder becomes an active participant. She takes real control of his orgasms and uses the key as a lever to make him do things for her. She knows he likes her to do this and she begins enjoying the game. If he really wants to be unlocked, she will let him take the device off. At this layer in our onion, enforced male chastity is likely to be fairly long term.

When we peel that layer away, the real power exchange is revealed. Over time, the male gets comfortable wearing the device full time. He likes the edging and eventual orgasms. He’s been conditioned to the sexual control of his keyholder. This is different from the layer above because his keynoter realizes the extent of her control She knows that he loves the sexy game, but she senses there is something more profound involved.

At the core of our onion is a very serious power exchange. The keyholder comes to understand that she owns his penis. He can use it to pee, but he can’t touch it or experience an erection on his own. Only when she unlocks the cage, can he experience sexual pleasure. His penis is her toy. She may take it out frequently and play with it. She knows he likes that a lot.

He may not realize that a favorite part of his body is physically owned by his keyholder. I know, the fantasies talk about this sort Iof thing. But the reality has nothing to do with the caged male’s knowledge or agreement to this ownership. It’s 100 percent in the mind of the keyholder. When she understands her power, things subtly change.

Until recently, I knew that I was locked in the Jail Bird because I asked Mrs. Lion to do it. That’s how I got back in the cage after the long surgical hiatus. However, at some point in the last couple of weeks, Mrs. Lion realized that the cage gave her true ownership of my penis. I’m sure she understood that she always controlled it when I was caged. But she may not have realized the depth of that control. I’m not sure I understood either.

I am only released when she wants to give her penis attention. She will often give me an hour or so of freedom, under her supervision. This period of freedom has been getting shorter. After all, it’s her toy. Shouldn’t she put it away when she is done with it.

The feeling of ownership, at least on my end, became strong when she took all the keys and locked them away in her safe. That removed any choice to get out for me. She hasn’t discussed this new state of affairs much. It’s very subtle. It also implies that I will get little-to-no physical access to her penis. While I can be trusted when she leaves me wild, it does diminish the sense of physical ownership. She alluded to that the other day.

If either of us seriously considered where we are now when we started in 2013, I’m not sure we would have done this. I’m not entirely happy that I’ve lost physical control of my / her penis. I know I will get it back, at least temporarily, if she unlocks me for any reason. She knows that too. I imagine that physical control (a chastity device) has become much more important now that we have reached the center of the male chastity onion.

Cave woman

This is the male fantasy of a dominant woman. The reality is that to even start to meet his desire, she has a long, hard road to do it.

I’ve often heard that women are far less visual than men when it comes to sexual arousal. Popular opinion claims women don’t respond strongly to visual stimulus and we males do. In some interesting studies (” What Do Women Want?”New York Times) this isn’t true. Objective, physical measurements – vaginal blood flow and penile growth – showed that women responded physically to sexual images as much as men. However, the women’s subjective reporting frequently disagreed with their bodies. They reported little or no arousal while their vaginas strongly disagreed.

I was less interested in what turned them on than the disagreement between mind and vagina. Reporting lack of interest in sexual images may be cultural. Women are supposed to be unaroused by visual stimuli. Similarly, they are expected to allow men to take the lead and avoid hurting men (“The Female Price of Male Pleasure”,” The Week“), even it if hurts them.

This conditioned gap between male and female sexual perceptions and behaviors creates challenges to a woman who is asked to take charge sexually. She is asked to consider her own pleasure, or at least not consider his. He wants her to hurt him physically. He wants her to make him do things he doesn’t like.

That’s what it appears to be on the surface. The male submissive fantasies specify pain and denial. Obedience to a dominant woman is extremely arousing to a man who wants to be submissive. Even a very strong woman could easily have problems with this.

I won’t go into the obvious societal role models being a dominant woman violates. That much is obvious. Less obvious are the strong emotional values that were revealed in the disconnect between physical arousal and mental reactions to sexual situations (ibid: “NY Times”). Women are conditioned to accept pain as a part of sex (ibid: “The Week”). They find it difficult to accept that they can inflict pain as part of sex.

This discomfort with giving the male pain extends to other sexual activities as well, like locking a penis in a chastity device. If she knows he wants this discomfort, she may be willing to do it. But she will be uncomfortable if she feels he would be unhappy with his bondage under some conditions. I think this is one reason Mrs. Lion reacts negatively when I propose traveling in a chastity device. It’s just too much.

Inflicting pain is another difficult change. It took a long time for Mrs. Lion to get comfortable giving me painful spankings. She’s very good at that now. However, she still has limits. That’s a good thing, though her limits are currently below mine. I’m very sure that eventually she will test my boundaries and make me learn to take more. It just takes time to internalize that the pain, while real, is what I want and not wrong.

Another area of challenge is learning what is safe. I spent many years teaching BDSM safety. In all the time I was responsible for training and dungeon monitoring, I only had one case where the top, a woman, went too far for safety. Tops need to learn what activities are safe, but they are generally unwilling to even approach the point when an activity, like spanking, would inflict real damage.

Becoming a dominant woman is far more complex than role reversal. It requires her to get in touch with her own sexual boundaries. The second, more difficult challenge is to overcome the taboo of inflicting pain.

We males need to understand that if our partners are willing to make the changes needed to dominate us, that they will need time and understanding to do this.

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