Keyholder (Page 2)

I’ve often heard that women are far less visual than men when it comes to sexual arousal. Popular opinion claims women don’t respond strongly to visual stimulus and we males do. In some interesting studies (” What Do Women Want?”New York Times) this isn’t true. Objective, physical measurements – vaginal blood flow and penile growth – showed that women responded physically to sexual images as much as men. However, the women’s subjective reporting frequently disagreed with their bodies. They reported little or no arousal while their vaginas strongly disagreed.

I was less interested in what turned them on than the disagreement between mind and vagina. Reporting lack of interest in sexual images may be cultural. Women are supposed to be unaroused by visual stimuli. Similarly, they are expected to allow men to take the lead and avoid hurting men (“The Female Price of Male Pleasure”,” The Week“), even it if hurts them.

This conditioned gap between male and female sexual perceptions and behaviors creates challenges to a woman who is asked to take charge sexually. She is asked to consider her own pleasure, or at least not consider his. He wants her to hurt him physically. He wants her to make him do things he doesn’t like.

That’s what it appears to be on the surface. The male submissive fantasies specify pain and denial. Obedience to a dominant woman is extremely arousing to a man who wants to be submissive. Even a very strong woman could easily have problems with this.

I won’t go into the obvious societal role models being a dominant woman violates. That much is obvious. Less obvious are the strong emotional values that were revealed in the disconnect between physical arousal and mental reactions to sexual situations (ibid: “NY Times”). Women are conditioned to accept pain as a part of sex (ibid: “The Week”). They find it difficult to accept that they can inflict pain as part of sex.

This discomfort with giving the male pain extends to other sexual activities as well, like locking a penis in a chastity device. If she knows he wants this discomfort, she may be willing to do it. But she will be uncomfortable if she feels he would be unhappy with his bondage under some conditions. I think this is one reason Mrs. Lion reacts negatively when I propose traveling in a chastity device. It’s just too much.

Inflicting pain is another difficult change. It took a long time for Mrs. Lion to get comfortable giving me painful spankings. She’s very good at that now. However, she still has limits. That’s a good thing, though her limits are currently below mine. I’m very sure that eventually she will test my boundaries and make me learn to take more. It just takes time to internalize that the pain, while real, is what I want and not wrong.

Another area of challenge is learning what is safe. I spent many years teaching BDSM safety. In all the time I was responsible for training and dungeon monitoring, I only had one case where the top, a woman, went too far for safety. Tops need to learn what activities are safe, but they are generally unwilling to even approach the point when an activity, like spanking, would inflict real damage.

Becoming a dominant woman is far more complex than role reversal. It requires her to get in touch with her own sexual boundaries. The second, more difficult challenge is to overcome the taboo of inflicting pain.

We males need to understand that if our partners are willing to make the changes needed to dominate us, that they will need time and understanding to do this.

Here we are at the start of yet another year. I don’t feel particularly interested in sex. Too bad. A new year should be greeted by sex; or at least the desire for sex. One of our readers asked a question for our “He Said / She Said” post next week. But the question is really just for me. He wanted to know if I, like him, feel let down and sorry about being caged after I have an orgasm. I don’t.

I get annoyed about being in a chastity device on days when I have been orgasm-free for a while. It’s not that I want the device off so I can jerk off. It just feels unnecessary. Case in point: last night. Mrs. Lion is sick. She has the same rotten cold that I had (have). She was in no mood for doing anything sexual for me. She wanted to sleep if she could stop coughing. I absolutely get it. Then why would I feel grumpy and want out of my cage?

It isn’t that I’m a brat and want to pout because I didn’t get teased. For a while I thought that was what was going on. I realized that while I missed the sexual contact, I fully understood the reason and felt fine about it. The real problem for me is much harder to describe and understand. I’ll try to explain.

My enforced chastity fantasy is about Mrs. Lion locking me up without regard to whether or not I want it or not. Ok, that should mean that I had my dream last night. I was locked and my lioness ignored my plight. In one sense that’s absolutely right. My pr0blem had to do with my expectations. Mrs. Lion has been saying (and writing) that I would have a New Year’s Eve and a New Year’s Day orgasm. I requested that maybe just one of those would be enough.

So, last night I expected that she would at least tell me that she knew there was supposed to be some promised sex, but she didn’t feel well enough to follow through. That would have given me a sense of being remembered. But when the entire night went by without a word, I felt bad. It was obvious that she wasn’t well enough to do anything. I had no expectation of activity. It may be silly, but I wanted her to remember.

There have been many times when I expect an orgasm but end up being edged. That never makes me feel cheated. It’s part of the game. In fact, if instead of a New Year’s orgasm, I just get teased, I would be fine. I think I might even like it. It’s a show of Mrs. Lion’s power. For me, enforced chastity is about power, not sex. So, if last night I was told there would be no teasing, that would be a perfectly fine part of the game.

We had another talk about wait times. In her post, Mrs. Lion pointed out that if I came every 14 days, I would have 26 orgasms this year. I don’t know why she picked that interval. Twenty-six isn’t a magic number. We never set a goal. Many couples do, with the keyholder announcing an annual maximum number of orgasms for the year.

Mrs. Lion says she doesn’t care about things like that. But her post yesterday cited my total for 2016. Her original post said “about 57 orgasms.” I edited it to get rid of the “about.” Actually, we both had it wrong. I had 58 which turns out to be the exact average she was calculating. I think she is influenced by our readers who frequently say I get too many orgasms. As she wrote, I do lose interest after a while. If I go much past two weeks, I am harder to edge and not all that interested in sex. It’s just how I am wired.

There’s another factor: how orgasms feel to me. An orgasm after a wait of less than 10 days feels way better than one after two weeks or longer. Something happens physiologically with me that makes an orgasm after a very long wait almost hurt. It’s not that I don’t want it. Somehow it changes. The answer isn’t to assure my waits are two weeks or less. It’s just that after a long wait, a second orgasm four-days-to-a -week later will feel amazing. This begs the question of whether my keyholder should care about such things.

I don’t think she should. The only reason I mention it is because I wonder if you have the same experience. Is it how we males are wired, or is it just something about me?

I like that I never know (unless she writes about it here) when my next orgasm is coming. Mrs. Lion is really good about keeping me guessing. She is a great keyholder.

Sometimes it seems that getting started with enforced chastity is so complicated that it is unlikely that any woman (partner) would have to be crazy to agree to becoming a keyholder. One of our goals when we started this blog, was to provide safe and realistic advice to keyholders as well as their caged males. The problem is that over time as Mrs. Lion and I evolved our practice, the posts covered a much more complex relationship that has evolved over three years.

We do have pages (see the list of links across the top of the browser) intended to help introduce enforced chastity. A lot of people visit them. But just as many start off at one of our posts. I was reminded of this by a comment from Merk:

“…All I needed to do was tell my wife I was out of control and she could lock me up. I tried even to be submissive in chastity to ensure her desire to keep me there. It did not work and she felt that edging and teasing was a chore.”

It may be that the issue was the reason Merk wanted to be locked up. He told her he was out of control and needed her help to prevent masturbation. He wrote that in fact, the opposite was true. He was no longer easily aroused. I’m not trying to pick on you Merk. Your comment exposes what I think is a classic error when presenting enforced chastity to a non-kinky wife: presenting your idea as a solution to a problem.

The first point you made to her was that you had a sexual problem. You were too horny and subject to frequent masturbation. The reality was that your libido was declining. She may not have felt that helping you master your overactive libido made much sense to her. She tried it, apparently, because you asked her. Eventually she stopped because it became a chore to her.

My suggestion is to keep things simple. If you can discuss that you are having issues getting hard and feeling aroused and that when she edged you, some of that excitement returned. She may be willing to continue edging you on a regular basis as a way of making you happy. If you avoid making it a transaction, (i.e.: You do that for me and I do this for you) she only has to make one decision: will I edge him to make him happy.

Having her lock you in a chastity device is a different simple discussion. The bottom line is that you want to be locked up because the idea turns you on. If you start with you calling the shots as to when you are locked and when she lets you out, there is very little effort required on her part. If you want to set it up that you get an orgasm when unlocked, then consider how you want her to handle this. Do you want to have intercourse? Do you want her to give you a handjob? Or, should she just unlock you so you can masturbate. Maybe she could make that decision.

As I see it, the less complex the request is, the more likely it will be accepted. Start with one thing. give it a chance to take root. Then suggest the next step.