Keyholder101

Welcome to our first online workshop. Today we are looking at the most basic issue in enforced chastity: expectations.

Men and women are very different. It goes way deeper than sex organs. We don’t think the same way. For example, most guys find seeing a naked woman arousing. Women aren’t generally turned on by naked men. Males are much more visual than females. That’s just the surface of the differences.

We males think a lot about sex and about our penises. I doubt that women spend that much time thinking about penises or, for that matter, vaginas. We’re wired differently. I’m turned on by being locked into a chastity device. It’s exciting in a truly perverted way that I’m aroused by being prevented from getting sexual satisfaction. Is there any way Mrs. Lion would find that arousing?

Think about it. Women aren’t particularly visual. They don’t generally think about male sex organs. It’s unlikely they are particularly interested in how often a man ejaculates. Why would they have any interest in enforced chastity?

“Oh, I know!” some guy in the back of the room shouts. “They like the power it gives them. Sexual control gives them control over their locked male.”

Really? “Oh yes!” the guy in the back shouts. “She can make him clean the house, do the laundry, and give her baths. She can make him wear panties.”

So, guy in the back, you’re saying that a woman would enjoy locking her male up so she could get him to do chores. Oh what fun it must be to blackmail your husband into helping you around the house. It just doesn’t add up. Hey, isn’t it true that thinking about her making you wear panties and do housework turn you on?

“Of course.”

So far all I’ve heard is a list of things that turn you on. So far I haven’t heard that there is anything in it for her.

We’ve established that there is no inherent interest in locking up her partner’s penis. So, it is unlikely she knows anything about enforced chastity when you decide to talk to her about it. If you are lucky enough to have a partner as wonderful as Mrs. Lion, she is going to agree to try enforced chastity. But she won’t know any more about enforced chastity than what you told her. She could search the Internet and with luck, find reliable information to support being your keyholder.

Mrs. Lion isn’t inclined to research this stuff. That means I am her sole source of information. If I want her to be an effective keyholder for me, I’m going to have to find and provide the how-to’s for her.

Do you see where this is going? Like most things in life, you just can’t ask for something and then sit back and get the goody. You have to work for it. If you want your partner to be an effective keyholder, she needs to learn what she has to do. She needs a lot more than your fantasy about being locked up. It’s a start to tell her, but that’s only the beginning.

You can read this blog to see how much discussion we’ve had on this subject. It’s taken years for Mrs. Lion to make enforced chastity her own. She depends on my feedback. I depend on hers.

Also, even though the fantasy benefits of house cleaning and panties may not appeal to her, she has to get something positive out of all the work she does as your keyholder. Enforced chastity has transformed our physical relationship. It’s made us closer than ever before. We share the housework and I don’t wear panties unless she wants to humiliate me a little. It doesn’t matter. She’s in charge and I haven’t masturbated in three years. Any sexual pleasure I get comes directly from her. We both love it that way.

The biggest joy for me in all this happens when Mrs. Lion comes up with things on her own. She’s graduated. My enforced chastity is now completely in her hands. How cool is that?

We’ve been hearing from people who are finding some growing pains getting into enforced chastity. One comment came from Lori:

My husband & I are trying the WLM & he is caged. My problem is we’re so new & was excited in the beginning but so many distractions. He agreed to certain behaviors as part of the process, we don’t use any discipline yet & he doesn’t stick with his part of what we discussed before we jumped into this. He has surgery back in Dec 2015 & still has a lot of pain, I just want to start from scratch like we were never doing this to start with. Any suggestions on what we can do to regain out marriage? It was enjoyable when we started last year now not so much.

This sounds like classic buyer’s remorse. The key phrase in this comment, to me at least, is “…we jumped into this.” Of course, from this short note it’s hard to tell exactly what the initial discussions covered. Clearly, your husband’s fantasy didn’t match the reality. That’s not terribly surprising.

My suggestion is to do a reset. Start over completely. It’s probably a good idea to wait until he is out of pain before starting again. This time, you may want to keep things simple and easy to follow at the start. Perhaps begin with simply locking him up. Unlock him for teasing and give him frequent orgasms. Slowly extend his wait time. Once you have the enforced chastity in hand, you might want to begin FLR with a few simple rules. Have him agree to follow them. I would suggest punishment for not obeying a rule. You both should discuss this.

I think the most important thing to do in the beginning is to agree on what will happen and then communicate as you go along. You are beginning a very significant change in your relationship dynamic. It will take time and lots of conversation to get it moving in the right direction. He may be disappointed that it isn’t following his fantasy, but then that isn’t the point. Right?

It appears that expectations and reality have clashed. That’s not surprising. It could be that a year from now your FLR will be just what he imagined, but in the beginning both of you have a lot to learn.

I’ve been thinking about our enforced chastity and what made it work. I can’t claim that we had a grand plan and by following it, succeeded. There is no grand plan. There never was. Most guys start off in enforced chastity attempting to turn a very hot sexual fantasy into reality. Chances are very good that the person they select as keyholder has never heard of this kink before.

Let’s assume you are the female partner in a vanilla relationship. One evening your partner tells you that he wants to be locked in a male chastity device. He shows you one. You love him a lot. So you ask him to explain what he wants. He tells you about his fantasy. He wants you to put this device on his penis and then leave it there until he is exploding with desire. He tells you that by doing this, he will focus only on you and will spend his life pleasing you in any way he can.

You are skeptical. You wonder if he has been holding back all these years and only by locking him up, will discover he can do so much more. That doesn’t feel like an incentive to you. In fact, this fantasy seems completely unrealistic. On the other hand, you don’t see any immediate downside, so you say yes. He puts on the device. It looks uncomfortable. He hands you the lock and keys. He shows you where to put the lock. You lock him in. Now what?

If he is smart, he kisses you and thanks you for doing this for him. If he isn’t, he’ll start telling you what you should do now. It will be an unrealistic list of activities, most not particularly interesting to you. He is very excited and you can see that his penis is trying to get erect in its cage.

At this point you may decide to indulge him and try to do the things he asks. If the list isn’t too long or annoying, you fall into a rhythm of activities and waiting. You still don’t see what he gets out of it, but you are reasonably comfortable indulging him. After a while, he may get tired of the game and want to get out. Or, he will escalate his list of “shoulds” until you feel overwhelmed and call an end yourself.

There is a third path: success. This involves changing the game. As his keyholder you recognize that under all his fantasy talk, he is asking for a simple power exchange. The fantasies revolve around the idea that you make him want sex, but deny him until you feel like letting him ejaculate. That’s it. The other stuff is sexual fantasy he has used to masturbate.

Once you recognize this simple truth, it’s fairy easy to provide him with exactly what he wants without the burden of his masturbatory fantasies. You realize that while he may want indefinite lockup, he is accustomed to sex of some kind fairly regularly. He doesn’t realize how difficult long waits will be at first. So you start him off with a nice handjob every five to seven days. You realize that his desire is to be controlled, so every day or two you unlock him and masturbate him to the edge of orgasm a few times and lock him up again.

This increases his desire and reinforces your sexual control. You can do other things too. While he is locked up, you can have him please you with his mouth or hands. My suggestion is to avoid penetration for the first month or two. He can misinterpret penetration as taking back control. Over time, you can increase his wait. It will take a while for him to learn to manage less frequent orgasms, but if you gradually increase his time, he will learn. Go from a week to ten days; then go to two weeks. Gradually increase the waits to the level you wish. Many men, even with regular teasing, will start to find it easier and easier to manage their desire as the longer waits go on. So, as a good keyholder, when you see that subtle drop off in interest, you give him an orgasm and start the frustrating process all over again. This can be fun for you.

This is just one approach. You will most likely come up with one of your own. The point is that acting out his chastity fantasies will probably not work over time. Coming up with your own approach can turn enforced chastity into a permanent part of your lives. That’s what happened with us. Mrs. Lion experiments and learns what works for us both. We’ve discovered that enforced chastity has benefits far beyond sexual play. So, if I ever get tired of it, tough luck! I’m locked up for life.

Are orgasms like potato chips; you just can’t have one? Of course most males have them one at a time with substantial spacing between “bites”. Even without enforced chastity I doubt I would have more than three a week. When I was younger, an orgasm a day kept lion grumpies away. Now, an orgasm a day would stop being fun in under a week. Oh how we change with age!

Male orgasms, at least for me, are habit forming. It’s a little like drugs; once you’re hooked you have to detox. After a while, you no longer crave the drug. The same is true of orgasms. If, as Mrs. Lion joked, my last orgasm was January 1 2016, I would be a very unhappy lion until January 30. Then, I would slowly forget about orgasms entirely. I’ve come to learn that some males like the idea that enforced chastity will facilitate their kicking the orgasm habit. Not me.

For males, orgasms are like solar energy; when harnessed they will provide all sorts of useful benefits. If blocked, a major renewable energy source is lost. Let me explain. Orgasms themselves aren’t the source of useful male behavior. The desire for an orgasm is a fundamental motivator for virtually every animal. Males of all species will do nearly anything for the opportunity to orgasm. The hotter that flame of desire burns, the more the resulting heat drives males to higher levels of energy.

So, enforced chastity is not the removal of orgasms as its name implies. It is the harnessing of one of nature’s most formidable forces: male desire to orgasm. A keyholder wants her male “hooked” on orgasms. She wants him to remember how much he wants them. She provides them often enough to keep him wanting more, but not enough to give him much rest from his desire.

It turns out that this can be tricky. For example, Mrs. Lion edges me almost every day, yet after a while, even though I enthusiastically respond to her ministrations, I begin losing my desire for ejaculation. That surprised me when I first realized that was happening. My working theory has always been that as long as I received teasing and edging, my hormones would keep flowing and my desire to come would grow and remain high until I finally got relief. It turns out that for me it’s true but only up to a point. After two or three weeks, I still respond very quickly to stimulation and feel massively frustrated after edging, but once the session ends, I quickly forget about sex.

On the other hand, if my last orgasm wasn’t too far in the past, after edging there is a prolonged sense of frustration. The next day I find myself wishing for that elusive orgasm. In short, I remain in heat. The longer I go without an orgasm, the less orgasm matters until the next time I am teased. In a very real sense, teasing satisfies me more and more as time goes by.

Many keyholders want to harness this male sexual energy. It’s pretty easy to do. Just let him know that his next chance to orgasm depends on him pleasing you. If you give him specific tasks, sexual or not, that will help advance the date of his next orgasm, he will attach those tasks with growing enthusiasm every day he is made to wait. But, as I mentioned before, this only works up to point. After a while he will lose interest in the orgasm. You can tell this has happened when he complains that after he comes he is depressed for days and would rather not go through that. He begins encouraging you to make him wait longer and longer.

That complaint is not entirely bad news. Looking at it in a slightly different way, what he is saying is that it’s easier for him when he’s not in heat. But then you use that heat as a renewable energy source. He may actually feel depressed after an orgasm. It’s normal and is called the refractory period. This is the time it takes a male to regain the ability to come again. In enforced chastity, I think that period changes from when he is physically able to come again to when he can start to forget how much he wants another orgasm. I doubt that the males even realize this. Of course, I may be completely wrong, but this is my theory. The keyholder as a good sex “pusher” will give her male just enough orgasms to keep him addicted and wanting more. She can use edging as a way of assuring his desire for another orgasm remains high. But he never gets “enough”. She always makes sure that his desire to do anything to get his next “fix” remains high. Mrs. Lion is very good at keeping me in heat.