Lion’s Journal (Page 527)

lion and lioness being loving
Sometimes the chastity has to be put aside and just love one another.

In a way it’s ironic that when you finally get what you want, it can turn out to take away something you need. This is the theme of the “deal with the devil” stories. The hero makes a deal with the devil for wealth or women (or men for that matter), and then gets sick or loses other precious parts of his life. The moral, of course, is that we have so much more than we realize that when we replace it with something we think want more. I suspect that something similar can happen with forced male chastity.

It makes sense to me. Being locked up and feeling my keyholder’s control has been something I have wanted for a long time. It hasn’t been that Mrs. Lion has been unwilling and finally relented. It has been something inside me that stopped me from trying. I can’t explain why I decided finally to try chastity for real, but some switch inside me flipped and I did. Now I have been locked up a few months and have settled in to my new role. My lioness has become more and more actively using her authority. It should be perfect, right?

I have to admit that in many ways it is. I am getting what I wanted. I am also learning that it’s not as easy to surrender as I thought. I’m not making it as easy as I should for my keyholder. In some  ways forced chastity has improved our relationship. It has forced us to talk about needs we both have. Communication has improved. So, in that respect this is certainly not a deal with the devil.

But there is a hidden loss.  It’s the very necessary man/woman relating as lovers and friends that can disappear into the forced chastity power exchange. While chastity power exchange is by definition, intimate, it isn’t the same intimacy as lying in each others arms and just feeling the love you share. Years ago I was in a power exchange relationship as a full time top. I loved my bottom. That was the problem. If we were to have a full time top/bottom relationship, where was the room for love as equals?

It’s obvious then that all we have to do is make some time for this important expression of our love. Obvious but not easy. Some couples, when they come to this conclusion, actually schedule time for this. That goes against what most of us like to believe about love. We like to think it is spontaneous and need no planning. This is where the deal with the devil takes its bite out of us. In a relationship where we have added a power exchange, we have effectively removed the bottom’s ability to spontaneously initiate affectionate lovemaking.

Ok, that possibility does exist now, but not in the minds of many caged men. We are learning that sex (and in most men’s minds that also equates to affection) should be under the control of our keyholders. On the other hand, our keyholders value spontaneous affection more than planned encounters. There’s the rub. Many women consider affection initiated by their partners to be more meaningful than affection they initiate. Caged males believe that initiating affection breaks the rules of their chastity. So we get our beloved power exchange but apparently have to trade it for a loss to our relationships. The classic deal with the devil.

If this loss isn’t dealt with, one of two things will happen: the chastity will end due to the loss of emotional connection, or the relationship will end for the same reason. I don’t want either outcome. What it means to me is that I have to talk about this with my keyholder. I have to work with her to find a way to take breaks from our chastity lifestyle and return for a few hours to our vanilla relationship. We need to do this regularly. I, particularly, have to realize that my keyholder is paying a price for my chastity and I have to make sure that I give back what she needs to be happy with me, us, and forced male chastity.

There are still times when I feel like I’m doing things because Lion wants them. And then there are times when I’m doing them because I want to. Hence the title.

The biggest thing that has come out of Lion’s caging is communication. Many of our problems were the result of my saying the sky is blue, for example, but not specifying the shade of blue. And poor Lion is doing his best to guess but never quite hitting the mark. Once we figured this out, I’ve been trying harder to tell him that I mean cerulean rather than teal. He’s not a mind reader and I was getting mad at him because of it. Stupid Mrs. Lion.

I’ve been trying to reintroduce old rules, along with modifying some of them, and to introduce new rules. For example, Lion has a habit of dropping ice cubes when he fills his glass from the ice maker. Under the old rule he received swats when he dropped ice. He also has a habit of dropping food either on the table or on himself. So the modified rule is that he gets swats when he drops any kind of food. Last night he dropped some rice on the table and two ice cubes. Three swats for Lion. However, he brought home Krispy Kreme donuts so I deducted a swat for his thoughtfulness. Lion also has a habit of interrupting me. I hate that. It’s like he’s telling me that what he has to say is more important. So a new rule is that he gets swats for interrupting. Soon he will get a shock, thanks to our new shock collar.

Several years ago, I decided that I couldn’t really understand what it was like to be a top if I didn’t understand what it was like to be a bottom. Lion was very nervous. He was afraid I would like being a bottom and never want to top him. He needn’t have worried. I don’t understand being a bottom any more than I understand being a top. But I know I don’t want to have my nipples pinched (even if he only did it in his sleep once). And I don’t mind a little love tap on my behind but I am not interested in anything more than that. So I guess understanding what he wants is not a prerequisite to doing what he wants. Knowing that he will do almost anything I ask (eating raisins is a definite deal breaker) because he loves me is all I need because I love him.

high heel boots
Topping is all about power exchange. The keyholder demonstrates to the caged male that she is the boss.

Very often your caged male wants much more than simple sex deprivation. He also wants discipline and control. I have written about this before, but one area seems to cause confusion for new keyholders: discipline for what? Occasionally there is real behavior modification that a keyholder wants to make in her caged male’s behavior. It can range from inattention to argumentativeness. Normally, a primarily sexual activity like forced chastity is the wrong place to correct these issues, but in some cases it will work. In the  majority of cases there isn’t a problem that needs correction, yet your male wants you to demonstrate your control over him. He might suggest rules, making him wait to orgasm, etc. But it probably isn’t particularly helpful and may create more anxiety for you.

In a way, this problem goes to the heart of being a top. So instead of considering what he wants, let’s look at how topping can work. I come to this knowledge honestly. I was a top for thirty  years before I decided I wanted to switch. For the record, this happens a lot in the leather community. People migrate from one role to the other from time to time. Anyway, whether it’s forced chastity or BDSM, topping is one side of a power exchange. Your caged male is the bottom. He has given you power over him: overtly sexual power. The trouble is that power exchange doesn’t happen unless it is exercised. Simply locking him up is one act, but you haven’t demonstrated any control. Chances are very good that even if he doesn’t mention it, he wants you to show him you are in charge. He wants rules and discipline!

So how do you do this to a male who you love and who already treats you really well? Let’s explore our options. You want to pick things that don’t force you to micromanage his life. Take it from me, it gets old fast if your bottom is constantly pestering you with requests for permission. You will probably get tired of constantly inspecting the outcome of his chores. So what to do? Consider easy stuff. Does he always put dirty clothes in the hamper? Does he put down the toilet seat? Make those punishable offenses. Spank him and/or extend his lock up time for offenses. You are now satisfying his need to bottom. You can also enforce sexual rules. Do you want him inside you so you can orgasm but not to come himself? If he has an “accident” punish him with a sound spanking. Put him in a rubber penis sleeve next time to discourage his bad behavior.

I’m sure you see the theme. You may have seen some posts about humiliation. There is an  aspect to the caged male’s psyche that defies most women’s comprehension: we like some humiliation. Making a man accept a spanking on his bare bottom appears humiliating to some keyholders, but it turns on pretty much every man. Making him perform tricks for you, dance for you, account for why he forgot to do something can feel belittling to the top. Yet, it is a graphic demonstration of your control of him.

Most new tops feel that they are doing all this because their males want it. It’s true, but it certainly not what we want to believe. We want to believe that our tops are making us wait to come, spanking us, making us do things because it what they want. It isn’t much fun if we think you are spanking us or making us wait to come because you know we want it. We want it to appear that you own it. At some point you probably will own it and learn to love the power and even the gentle humiliation. In the meantime for this to work, we need to believe you do. One good way to exercise power and still basically fulfill your bottom’s needs is to almost give him what he wants. Since my keyholder reads this, I should be careful what I say next. Oh well, here goes.

In my case I never wanted to have to wait for a long time between orgasms. I want the control and discipline. However, I have given my keyholder an easy opportunity to make me feel her control. If we settle on a regular pattern of releases, say two or three a week (I know that is a lot to many, but that has been our pattern), varying that arbitrarily shows my keyholder’s power. Making me wait just because she wants me to is a very strong demonstration. As Mrs. Lion has been showing me, also doing it very frequently whether or not I am in the mood is also equally effective.

The point to topping is the regular demonstration of control. It’s about modifying the bottom’s behavior to suit your wishes; or more realistically, changing his behavior in a way that makes him believe you are doing it because you want him to change. The last thing I want to talk about is conditioning. As people who have studied behavioral psychology will tell you, conditioning is a very powerful way to change behavior. It can be amusing for you and not harmful for him to use conditioning in your repertoire of topping tools.

One area is evolving his behavior so he ends up doing something that he would have never believed he would do. This conditioning is gradual. For example, you decide you want him to do a sexy striptease any time you tell him. He finds that too embarrassing to consider and refuses. At that point, you would just spank him till he does it. That would satisfy the discipline area, but not quite what we want here. Instead, you sneak up on him. Maybe start by telling him that when he gets home from work he has to undress completely while you watch. Take your time and let him make this a habit. It could take a week or two. When he is completely comfortable giving you this show, add some music and ask him to move with the music while he does it. It will be a disaster at first, but praise him when he does a good move. He will be stripping happily to music in no time. The key is to never give up on what you decide he should do. Just pick which direction to approach making the change. Do  you discipline if he doesn’t or do you appear to agree not to make him do it and then work out a gradual approach that will end up with  him doing just what you wanted.

Sound like fun? I hope so. Even if it isn’t at first, this is the essence of a sexual power exchange. You could end up loving it. You won’t know until you give it a fair chance.

I’ve been caged for about three months now. Most people tend to report their first day as though they understand what being caged means. They don’t know. The first impressions are largely colored by the pain and other discomforts a new, poorly-fitted cage can cause. Or they are busy experimenting with exactly what happens when they get erect, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all do it. But the more significant changes happen more slowly.

I didn’t think that having my penis locked up would make any profound changes in my life. After all, while I really like sex, it isn’t at the front of my consciousness most of the time.  At the time I asked to be locked up, our sex life wasn’t very active and I hoped it would improve with chastity. I also felt there was little to lose. Up until the cage went on I had masturbated once or twice a week. It wasn’t a big deal, just feeling horny and acting on it. Mrs. Lion has less libido than me and I figured I was just saving her the trouble.

As I look back at the last three months I realize that I haven’t been able to masturbate once. Mrs. Lion does free me occasionally to shower and do an extra good cleaning. The cleaning invariably makes me hard. But I haven’t felt any serious temptation to do anything but enjoy an unfettered erection. I don’t know why, but I really don’t want to masturbate. It feels like cheating. I think it is since I no longer have ownership of that part of my anatomy. Honestly, that concept (someone else owning my cock) seemed silly to me when I read about it in the past. I understood that a cage reduces access, but I really couldn’t make sense of the idea that possession could transfer to my keyholder. I know that is how the game is played, but I didn’t think I would internalize that concept and actually believe at the deepest level that my keyholder owns that part of me.

Even writing about this concept seems odd to me. Intellectually it doesn’t make sense that someone else can own my sex organs and my sexual pleasure. Yes, it does make sense that I can be prevented from getting release with a physical device. But I am surprised that the cage isn’t all that stops me from independent sexual action. It is my understanding that I don’t have that right anymore.

Sound silly to you? I’m sure that if you are a keyholder  these comments will seem odd. Women and men are very differently wired sexually. Both do want release and satisfaction, but women consider sex part of a much larger experience and may be willing to forgo sex in favor of other kinds of satisfaction. I don’t really want to generalize too much here. Everyone is different. My point is that male sexual interest is much more focused on orgasm and ejaculation. The physical act takes on a life of its own. So, for a man losing the control of his sexual release is a singular event.

Oddly, losing control of my penis has brought my sexual needs more sharply into focus. You can see that in my writing here. I think that I expected something like this to happen, but not at such a profound level. My cage is part of me now. I want it in place. I’m not really sure why, but I do.

Most of the stuff written by caged males is about how they turn into simpering slaves of their keyholders; how they suddenly want to rub their feet, serve them in any way they can. Frankly, that hasn’t happened to me. I don’t feel an irresistible need to do that. But I do feel a real need to do what my keyholder wants, to please her. You might think that I should have always felt that way. I did, but those feelings often got displaced by external things in life, my own needs, and laziness on my part. Now, my priorities have subtly shifted. My attention is much more focused on my keyholder.

Does that mean I will turn into that simpering slave and depend on lioness to guide me through life? I don’t think that will ever happen. I am my own lion, so to speak. I am independent by nature and I do generally lead our relationship. I take care of many of the chores and decisions that keep us going. However, I am hoping that the changes brought on by the cage to both me and my keyholder will add some new balance and excitement. I am certainly surprised that in less than ninety days so much has changed.

Another very significant change is that my interest in sex has gotten much stronger. Before I was caged, I really wasn’t all that interested. Very gradually that interest has increased. I stopped waking up with “morning wood” a few years ago. That’s back now. I wake up once a night to pee. More often than not I am hard when I do.  I can’t explain exactly why this has happened. I am getting a lot more keyholder attention. I think that has turned on an internal switch that has restored a more normal level of arousal. I am very happy about this change.

When I first asked to be caged, if you asked me if the cage would be more than a sex game to be shared with my keyholder, I would have said no. If you asked if I would consider forced chastity a lifestyle, I would have laughed. How could a little stainless steel cage over my cock change my life and actually make sex better? How could this cage stimulate a new kind of relationship? I guess the cage itself didn’t, but its persistent presence forces me to see things differently and when I do that, it forces my keyholder to look at me and sex with me differently as well. Somehow, wearing that little cage day and night effects big changes in the wearer and those close to him. Cool, isn’t it?