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I have a conundrum. Whenever there’s a new idea, I have difficulty trying to implement it. It seems worse this time around with punishing Lion for things that annoy me. So what’s my problem?

Oddly enough, I’m finding punishing him for annoying me to be, well, annoying. Just last night, Lion asked if I could turn the fan off right after I sat down. Couldn’t he have thought of it ten seconds earlier? It was then that it hit me; if I had to swat him for that I’d be twice as annoyed.

I know what you’re thinking. If he annoys me and I spank him, eventually he won’t annoy me anymore. Well, maybe not anymore, but it should drop off considerably as he gets punished. He’ll work hard to avoid the paddle. Maybe I’ve got COVID brain but I don’t want to expend the energy to punish him. (By COVID brain I mean there’s so much to worry about with the virus, that I just don’t care about other things. I’ll snap out of it at some point.) Right now, everything is a huge production. Once I get myself ready to cook dinner, I’m fine but to psych myself up to do it takes a lot of effort.

Clearly this is my problem. I just need to suck it up. Ironically, I told someone at work they needed to suck it up for some issue. I guess it’s a taste of my own medicine. Maybe it’s better if I let a few transgressions build up before I whomp him. I keep making it sound like he annoys me a lot. He doesn’t. And some of the annoyances, I’m sure, are just annoyances because of all the nonsense going on with the virus and people not wearing masks or doing things they shouldn’t be doing in the middle of a pandemic. Really, how much of a problem is it to get back up to turn the fan on or off? Suck it up!

Mrs. Lion filled you in on our very busy afternoon and evening Sunday. I really hated my spanking for eating first. I think we are at a point where Mrs. Lion may want to consider more things spankable. Aside from the fact that domestic discipline works well for us, the next logical step is for Mrs. Lion to increase what she considers spankable offenses. I know that I frequently get “passes” for behavior she isn’t very happy with. It may be time to stop giving me those passes and get out the paddle.

In my reading, it’s extremely rare to find a disciplining wife who didn’t get initial guidance from her husband. Years ago, the disciplinary wives club website and correspondence offered support. Like today, most of its readers were male. The instructions the website offered were relayed from husband to wife. This doesn’t map to the fantasies, but it is probably the best way to offer disciplinary instruction. The fact that the husband is imparting this information, strongly suggests he is asking his wife to adopt whatever it is he discovered online.

One of the more interesting aphorisms that came out of the DWC was, “The more you make a spanking hurt, the more he will love you.” That gets to the heart of the insecurities I think that wives feel, at least in the beginning. I also believe it’s true for me. It’s a very odd feeling to truly hate the spanking I’m receiving yet feel grateful Mrs. Lion is doing it for me.

It seems to me that one of the most difficult, blocking factors stopping Mrs. Lion from making more things spankable is her sense of fairness. She has often said that she doesn’t think it’s fair to punish me without first telling me what it is that will earn future spankings. I agree that would be the fairest way to approach things. The problem is that we never get to the point that something is disciplinary.

For the record, I am not talking about the fact that she helped me on Sunday night by reminding me the coffeepot was not set up. That was a kind and reasonable thing to do. I appreciated it. I’m thinking about what she may consider “little things” that get under her radar. Other disciplined husbands have written that the principal way their DD relationships grew was by their wives tightening up on what they could get away with.

While we had the training wheels on, it didn’t make a lot of sense for Mrs. Lion to simply announce that something I just said annoyed her and was spankable. At that time, we were building the good habits we needed for our disciplinary relationship. Somehow we got stuck there. I think it’s time for her to use her observational skills and her strong paddle hand to call me to task for things she once considered small. That’s the thing about education, you start learning basic concepts and once learned, move into the subtle less-easily-observed stuff. I think we are at that point.

[Mrs. Lion — When will I have time to do anything else? 😆]

It seems that one of our big hurdles in our disciplinary relationship is fairness. It isn’t that Mrs. Lion is unfair when it comes to punishing me; she’s too fair. I get it. When we raised our kids we worked hard to be consistent and fair disciplinarians. We never punished when angry. We always erred on the side of being too lenient. After all, we have good kids.

When we began our domestic discipline, Mrs. Lion continued following the same disciplinary path as she did with her kids. The result is that she is absolutely consistent at enforcing our explicit behavioral rules and doesn’t punish when she gets annoyed at me. She’s said that it feels wrong to punish me if she is angry. She wants to wait until she is calm before spanking me.

She has also said that she doesn’t punish me when she gets upset when I say something she doesn’t like. Her reasoning is that her anger isn’t really my fault. For example, if she has had a hard day at work and comes home just wanting to unwind and I let her know I am hungry, she gets annoyed. She’s said it is unfair to punish me. I had no way of knowing that she wanted to relax. It would be unfair to spank me.

Of course, she is right. The problem is that this is a slippery slope. I would have to do something pretty egregious for her to feel it was fair to punish me. The net result is that I never get punished for things that annoy her. I’m only spanked for breaking one of my explicit rules. Mrs. Lion agrees that she would like to extend this to things I do that might upset her. Her very refined sense of fairness gets in her way.

I’ve thought about this quite a bit. I’m not the only blogger who is writing about this. In a recent post, “Male Domestic Discipline In Our Marriage“, I quoted Julie, who also wrote about this very subject. She wrote from the perspective of the disciplining wife. She came to the conclusion that it is better to spank her husband if he is annoying her, even though he isn’t the real cause.

She recognized that it was unfair, but felt the opportunity to express her frustration was useful to her and instructive to her husband. I agree. If Mrs. Lion punishes me because I trigger some anger that isn’t purely my fault, she gets to deal with her frustration and I learn to be much more sensitive to how she feels. In this context, the spanking is part of a dialogue. True, it’s a painful dialogue for me, but it serves a very important purpose. Mrs. Lion is learning to let me know how she is feeling, even though those feelings can’t be attributed only to me. If something I say brings those feelings to the surface, or make some worse, she has an absolute right to let me know.

I’m not claiming that any of this is particularly fair to me. That really isn’t the point. Unlike enforcing explicit rules, she is holding me responsible for triggering negative feelings. I understand that I’m not the absolute cause of these feelings, but I contributed to them. I had ways to check out how she was feeling before, for example, I told her I was hungry. I could have done things to make her feel better if I had only bothered to find out she was upset.

One of the important aspects of a successful marriage is that both partners clearly understand their roles in causing each other difficulty. The key is communication. I completely subscribe to this. There is a side effect that gets in the way of domestic discipline. Before resorting to her paddle, Mrs. Lion goes through an analytical process to determine if I am to blame for how she is feeling. Clearly, I can’t have anything to do with the bad day at work. Chances are very good that if she didn’t have a bad day, my informing her that I’m hungry would be treated as information. She most likely would tell me that she could start dinner in a little while.

That’s fair and reasonable. It represents a logical process that attributes emotional responses accurately. The thing is that the next day, Mrs. Lion still felt some of that annoyance. She wrote about it in her post, “Spanking Harder Than Ever“. She clearly remembered how upset she got when I told her I was hungry. It was an unresolved feeling; a negative feeling. She felt it wouldn’t be fair to punish me for annoying her since I had no way to know that she was on edge. That’s when I realized her fairness sensitivity represents the roadblock to expanding her discipline.

This isn’t very different from when we began domestic discipline. Mrs. Lion created rules that had no particular emotional value that I would almost certainly break frequently. They were: getting food on my shirt, eating before she does, and forgetting to remind her of punishment days. They were easy for her to observe and offered her plenty of opportunities to perfect her spanking style.

Here we are several years later. Those three rules are the only ones that she consistently enforces. I think I’ve been spanked twice for interrupting her. One of those times she just added the offense into a spanking I was getting for forgetting a punishment day. It’s perfectly reasonable for me to say that she has had problems getting past those training wheel rules. I haven’t really understood why until now. I’ve been saying unhelpful things like, “Just punish me when I annoy you.” I probably should have been spanked for saying that.

I never considered that her fairness filter would prevent that. I’m proposing that she turn off that filter entirely. I think at this point it would be better if she spanked me because she had a bad day at work without me contributing to her annoyance than it would for her to recognize my contribution was too small to earn me a spanking.

It also makes sense for her to spank me as close to her feeling annoyed as possible. The idea here may be less to train me to be more sensitive then to train her to be more aware of her feelings and expressing them to me. Our experience to date shows that punishing me for breaking a rule does a very good job of eliminating any bad feelings surrounding the act. I’m not going to claim that spanking me will end Mrs. Lion’s annoyance. I think it will be very helpful because she will be clearly communicating it to me. It’s also is a good way to give her permission to let me know when she’s feeling upset.

This is a big deal. Mrs. Lion tends to keep her feelings to herself. Because she does this, I find myself guessing whether or not she’s feeling okay. The feelings she doesn’t express include good ones as well as bad ones. Positive feedback is just as important as negative. I don’t think she’s giving herself permission to freely express her feelings.

To be absolutely clear, I’m asking Mrs. Lion to punish me when she gets those feelings of annoyance. I’m asking her to punish me as soon as she gets them if she can. I’m giving her permission to punish me when she is angry. I’m not a child who needs an exaggerated sense of fairness to help form my personality. I am an adult asking her to express her negative feelings with the paddle and positive ones with a hug and a kiss. I am not asking her to decide whether or not I am the cause of her annoyance. I know that if she does try to analyze it, the paddle will stay in the drawer.

I hope my memory isn’t going. I absolutely forgot to set up the coffee pot for Friday morning. I spent time in the kitchen and didn’t notice my error. You may think it’s a sort of thing I would do “on purpose”. I didn’t. What’s more, I know Mrs. Lion is going to make my spanking even more painful than the last one she did. That’s no joke.

Spanking in our house has reached the intensity of real punishment. There is absolutely no sexual component for me. Apparently, it still hasn’t proven particularly educational. I did two things that carry penalties. The first was that on Thursday morning I started eating breakfast before Mrs. Lion. That was completely accidental. I looked over at her and I could have sworn she had begun. My eyesight is poor. I honestly think that was the problem. She forgave me. Whew!

The second one really got away from me. When we go shopping I’m going to get a bottle of those memory vitamins. Maybe that will help. I wonder why I am having so much trouble remembering to set up the coffeepot. It may sound trivial, but trust me, the consequences of forgetting aren’t. I’m a little sorry I started this disciplinary relationship. No, actually I’m not. If we were a “normal” couple, Mrs. Lion would have set up the coffeepot and felt a little bit annoyed that I couldn’t even do such a small thing. Each time I forgot, her annoyance would increase. Eventually, it would come out in some sideways fashion. That would definitely be bad for our relationship.

The way we do things now, each and every time I forget she gets out her paddle and spanks me. If she didn’t increase the intensity of my spanking, she might begin to feel the same sort of annoyance she would have if we didn’t have punishments at all. The fact that she can escalate until she makes her point with me, takes care of any residual bad feelings. At least that’s how I have been thinking about it. I’m not sure she would agree.

I’m not looking forward to being told to get into position for punishment. I realize I deserve it and I will completely forget that while she is beating me. Her style is very different from my expectations when we started. For the most part, she is silent. If I squirm too much she gives me a very hard swat on the tender back of my thigh. If that doesn’t work, and sometimes it doesn’t, she repeats it. She is silent the entire time. She doesn’t let me know if I’ve extended my spanking by moving too much, she just keeps going. She’s done when she is done.

[Mrs. Lion — Are his ears connected to his buns? Once his buns are red, maybe he can’t hear me. I don’t say much, but I do tell him if he’s squirming or warn him that the swats may not hit where I’m aiming if his butt has moved. I’ve also asked him questions and he’s responded. Sometimes he’ll tell me “that’s enough” and I tell him I don’t think it is. How would he know when it’s enough? He’s on the wrong end of the paddle to make that determination.]

When we first began domestic discipline I was very involved with evaluating the effects of different paddles. I’ve completely lost that fascination. If she asks me, I will tell her if one was worse than others. I do comment on whether there are any lasting effects. There almost always aren’t. That I think has less to do with her intensity than it does with my physiology. A few times she has managed to make it painful to sit down for a couple of days after. I have to admit that those spankings focused me on correcting my problem far more than even the most intense it-only-hurts-while-I-get-it brand of spanking. I have no idea what to suggest to provide that more lasting reminder.

We’ve discovered that after something we’ve begun is consistently in place for a while, it becomes a permanent part of our marriage. Neither of us can imagine what it would be like if I were allowed to ejaculate anytime I want. It isn’t that we have a sense of horror about it; we don’t. It’s just unthinkable. It isn’t even unconscious. We both are very aware that we do this. We just have absolutely no desire to stop.

The same is true of our disciplinary relationship. When I had my spinal surgery and Mrs. Lion had to suspend my rules, while we didn’t talk about it, we both missed it. I don’t think either of us can articulate why. It certainly wasn’t because my behavior suddenly became intolerable. It also wasn’t because Mrs. Lion truly enjoys spanking me. For my part, while I do like spanking, I didn’t miss the beatings. I don’t know what I missed. All I know is that both felt something important was missing.

I think the same thing happens with other couples. Some start out with very elaborate domestic discipline “contracts”. After a time, they realize that they don’t need them. The actual agreement is very simple. The disciplinary spouse decides when the disciplined spouse requires correction. At that time, punishment is administered. There are no discussions about how the disciplined spouse wants to be punished. Nor are there discussions about what is or isn’t punishable behavior. It’s all very simple. In our house, Mrs. Lion decides when I need to be punished. She decides how she’s going to do it. She does it without consulting me on how I want to be punished. That’s how it works.