Female Led Relationship: A Woman’s Guide » Your Man Wants Domestic Discipline

Domestic discipline is very much like enforced chastity in that the request to engage in it comes from the man, the partner who will be controlled. This pattern is generally true in the world of BDSM as well. Since domestic discipline is consensual power exchange, it makes sense that the man would originate the request. But does he understand what he wants? More importantly, do you know what he is asked you to do?

I know that I have long thought I want Mrs. Lion to have some power over me. I have found it arousing to consider that she can train me by enforcing rules she has set. I suspect that my fantasy is similar to what other guys imagine domestic discipline is about. In reality this isn’t workable at all. While the idea of having to obey rules and orders is hot, it’s a huge amount of work for the dominant partner. In my decades as a top, the one time I tried a 24/7 D/S relationship, I felt I was being drowned in minutiae.

She expected me to make and enforce rules. That means I had to invent them and then remember what I invented and enforce them as well. It was no fun at all for me. I also failed most of the time because my mind was not focused on that long list of rules. Avoid my mistake. Refuse to make rules just to give him a chance to be disciplined. He may be disappointed, but he asked you to take charge. Right? He will give you his fantasies when he asks for you to take charge. If he is smart, he won’t do that. He’ll just tell you that he truly wants domestic discipline and then points you to our website. Now that you are here, let’s consider how a workable domestic discipline relationship can work. There is no formula. You, not him, can decide how you want things to go.

The essence of domestic discipline is that you have general power over you man. He has agreed to obey you and allow you to teach (train) him to behave in ways that please you. He has also agreed to allow you to punish him in any way that you wish if he fails to do what you want. Before going further, the discipline you administer must be safe and within limits that you and your man agree will set boundaries around both your authority and  your punishments. Remember, this is consensual.

OK, let’s start with what your man has fantasized about: being punished. He has expectations about these punishment sessions. I am willing to bet on that. Go ahead and find out how he imagines being disciplined. Thank him for his input. Now that his fantasy is out of the way, we can be more practical. Punishment has two purposes: First, it provides unpleasant stimulation in response to undesired behavior. In other words, he really doesn’t like it. Second, it reinforces  your authority. This is more subtle, but in general it makes him understand unmistakeably that you and only you are in charge.

Spanking is by far the most popular domestic discipline punishment. It is administered on a bare bottom in a painful, nonsexual way. Mrs. Lion spanks me by having me lie face down on the bed and then she uses a hardwood paddle or a big wooden spoon to administer very hard swats. It hurts in a most unpleasant way. It’s supposed to. In my fantasy it was very exciting. In reality it just hurts. I admit that I find it arousing that Mrs. Lion can do this to me, but when she does it is no fun at all. I mention this because it is normal and useful for the man to feel aroused this way. It means he likes your control and, at least in the beginning, he will be able to use this arousal to stick with the program.

There are other, equally useful punishments available to you. Mostly it requires using your imagination to devise things you know he will not like. Remember, punishment is negative reinforcement. It should never be fun for him. Some possibilities include time outs, corner time, no video games, removal of privileges, you name it. If you never do more than spanking, you will be fine as well. The important thing is that you have negative reinforcement available to you.

That covers punishment. What are you punishing? This is where the male fantasies run wild. Disregard them. Domestic discipline is supposed to make things easier for you, not more difficult. So, rules are only useful if they support something you want. One rule in our house is that I make breakfast every weekend. Mrs. Lion likes that. If I don’t do it cheerfully and correctly, I get punished. This past weekend I made some refrigerator dough cinnamon buns. I forgot to include the pie server we use to get buns out of the pan. That’s an infraction. If I forget to do something Mrs. Lion has asked, that gets me punished as well. If I do anything that displeases her, whether or not she ever mentioned it, I get punished. Her challenge is not to overlook my errors.

Even this pattern can become burdensome. You can fix that easily. Put your man in charge of tracking his infractions. Just tell him to make a note of whatever it is that displeased you. You don’t have to punish at that time. You can collect infractions and then have a punishment time you schedule. This works extremely well for spanking. Punishments that don’t require you to actively do something can be administered as you wish. Mrs. Lion can extend my next orgasm date since I am in enforced chastity. She can also cancel one or more of our every-other-day non-orgasmic play sessions. One reason we schedule these events is that she can then easily use changing or cancelling dates as a way to punish or reward me.

Requirements for the disciplinarian
There are a few things that you must do if you accept a domestic discipline relationship. The most important is consistency. While you can have your man track infractions, you and only you should be spotting them. This is much harder than it sounds. You have spent a lifetime overlooking and forgiving all those small transgressions that bother you. In a domestic discipline relationship that will no longer work.

The better you get at noticing and noting those little things, the better the domestic discipline will work. Your goal is a well trained man who is always aware of you and your wants. You don’t want a maid or some BDSM subby. Well you might, but  this is the wrong place to learn about that. You want a consummately thoughtful mate who is the envy of everyone who knows you.

Punishments must always be administered. When you do it is up to you, but if he earns punishment, he must get it. It doesn’t matter if you are on vacation, some horrible family event has taken place, or he is sick. Your expectations may change, but your reaction can’t. Inconsistent behavior on your part will make him insecure. He needs to know that your enforcement is as reliable as gravity. It’s inescapable. The better you get at this, the happier you will be.

There is one area of domestic discipline that almost never gets mentioned: that is rewards. That’s right, rewards. While the male fantasy is all about punishment, the lifestyle requires rewards for good behavior. Rewards are never given for doing what he is supposed to do anyway. He earns rewards the same way he earns punishment. For example, over the last few weeks I have been doing much more than my share of the cooking. Mrs. Lion rewarded me by allowing me to request an extra non-orgasmic play session of my choice. I love that reward. Like punishments, rewards should be meaningful and should be given for a clearly understood reason.

Make this permanent
The objective should be that domestic discipline becomes a permanent part of your lives. To make that happen, you have to ease him in to this real-life version of his fantasy. In a very real way you will both be in training for some time. Here are some suggestions on developing a long-term, domestic discipline relationship.

• Start off being totally consistent. No exceptions for being a beginner. The habits you form in the beginning will define how this relationship will work over time. Once you start this you have to keep it up. Any wavering or laziness on your part will upset him. He is learning a new role. True, it’s one he wanted. But it is new and will almost certainly be difficult for him to accept in real life. You and only you have the ability to make this stick.
• Find reasons to discipline from the start. There is going to be some time when you aren’t going to be sure what you should or shouldn’t enforce. You need to get going so that he can experience domestic discipline within a day or less of starting it. He needs to learn the reality of domestic discipline as soon as possible. This will get you both started.
• Incorporate domestic discipline in your daily life. Build good habits. This isn’t a weekend play activity. It is a full-time commitment you have both made. You may have to be a bit “artificial” at first. Dig to find at least one offense a day. Keep this up for at least the first three or four months. The idea isn’t to give you an excuse to spank him. It’s to help you learn to look for issues and to teach him that you will create consequences for anything that you don’t like.
• No escape until your agreed review.  He will almost certainly at times want out. Remind him that he agreed to do this until the review date you both set. What’s this review date? When you start, you discussed limits. At that time, you should set a date in the future when you will both discuss whether you want to continue. He will probably say, “forever”. Don’t allow that. Set a date at least six months and less than a year in the future at which time either of you can end domestic discipline. This period needs to be long enough to allow you both to fully understand what is happening.

Domestic discipline isn’t for everyone. Now you know what is involved. The next steps are up to you and only you.