This is the babydoll set that got a “look” from Lion. Needless to say, he will be wearing it soon. It comes with matching panties. (picture later in the post)

Yesterday I decided to look for bras and panties for Lion. I figured there’d be plenty of sites that catered to such things. Even Amazon has them. I picked out a few items from two sites. I was debating whether I’d tell Lion about it or just order them and surprise him. Our anniversary is in a month. What better anniversary gift than a nice, frilly set of bra and panties?

Then, around dinner time, I decided to show him my finds. When he was done eating, I pulled out my iPad and cued up a light blue camisole with rosebuds on it. He was not amused. I was. He asked to be humiliated. This should do it. He asked if I was going to order it. I hadn’t decided. I’d just started looking. Maybe he needs something lacier. I showed him other things I’d found.

Perhaps he needs a tutu. Or a cheer leading outfit. I even found a French maid’s outfit. He kept muttering, “oh God” every time I showed him pictures. Somewhere along the line I found fake boobs to go in bras. I don’t think we need to go that far. If he has a padded bra or falsies, how will I pinch his boobies?

This is the cute thong that comes with Lion’s new babydoll set.

This morning, Lion told me the first outfit I showed him really had an impact on him. When I get home tonight we’ll order it. A nice little matching camisole and thing set in light blue with rosebuds. Not the frilly, lacy pink bra and panties I’d set out to find but it will certainly work until I find just the right bra set for him.

In the meantime, he does have some green frilly panties he can wear. I think he has another pair too. They might go nicely under his pants while we do whatever it is we’re doing this weekend. We’ll know they’re there even if no one else does. See? It just takes me a little while to get my head wrapped around new ideas.

[Lion — Oh God.]

I’ve always gotten aroused thinking of not-too-terrible humiliation. The thought of being spanked was my earliest incarnation of that kink. I get spanked. It’s not terribly humiliating, just painful. I suggested we move into more obviously humiliating territory. That suggestion was the straw that broke the lioness’ kinky back. I’m not at all sure why, but she’s back on track, I think.

She had a medical test yesterday that required anesthesia. She spent the day snoozing and relaxing. That’s exactly right for her. I made dinner. She loves pulled pork and macaroni and cheese. So that’s what we had, along with a Caesar salad. She’s able to drive now and is going back to work. We won’t have the test results for a few days. I’ll worry until they come back negative. She means more to me than anything. I want her healthy and feisty.

Spanking should be humiliating. It’s a childish punishment where my bottom is bare and paddled until it is sore and I am truly sorry for my sins. At least that’s the way I thought of it. Somehow I escape feeling humiliated when I’m punished. I definitely feel that I am paying for my sins. No question there. Mrs. Lion, particularly 2.0, gives a very good spanking. I’m not entirely sure why I feel the pain and taste the soap, but don’t feel humiliated. I should, but somehow I don’t.

That doesn’t mean my lioness is doing anything wrong. I’m sure she isn’t. I should be embarrassed, but I’m not. It could be that I’m somehow making myself feel in control. I know I’m not. It’s been a long time since I could stop a spanking when I felt too much pain. I can’t do that any more and I know it.

Maybe, in the case of spanking and even mouth soaping, I feel a sense of ownership. They, like most things we do, were my idea and request. I think I have to let go and understand that while I may be the original author, the control is completely in Mrs. Lion’s hands.

On the other hand, I am definitely embarrassed when she paints my nails and when I parade around the house in a wet diaper. The painted nails along with some reading are what got me to the subject of panties and bras. Both are way outside my macho comfort zone. Come to think of it, maybe that’s the issue with spanking. I don’t feel like a little boy being punished. I feel like a man who is paying the price for an infraction. As long as I can retain that macho, grown-man feeling, punishments will never humiliate me. I’ll take them like a man, er lion.

Perhaps there is something we can do to encourage me to feel the same humiliation I feel with my toenails painted when I am spanked or mouth soaped. Maybe, on some level, Mrs. Lion has been protecting me from embarrassment. I don’t think she does it on purpose, but she loves me a lot and I think she tries to administer the pain without humiliating me in the process. I don’t really know if that’s true. I’ve never really seen adult spanking outside a play party. And, at those I avoided females spanking males. I much preferred to watch men spanking women. That’s also what I did at those parties; I spanked women.

I don’t think that Mrs. Lion dislikes humiliating me. She takes great pleasure at my reaction to getting my toenails painted. She says things to me that make me blush. “Your nails are so pretty,” and similar girly things. She seems to like my reactions. I wonder if that same atmosphere would change my reaction to the standard punishments I receive? I also wonder if extending the girly stuff would further humble me.

Apparently, I’m wired to want to be humiliated. It’s hard for me not to judge myself for feeling this way. Publicly admitting these feelings here doesn’t embarrass me. It just feels right that I keep telling the story of how enforced chastity and domestic discipline is becoming part of my life. Clearly, my subconscious is being freed to release some of my deepest, darkest needs.

I had a colonoscopy this morning. It was less of a problem than I was led to believe. The nasty drink wasn’t as nasty as I thought it would be. There was just an awful lot of it. As for the procedure itself, I was knocked out for the whole thing. All I know is that it went well and, pending test outcomes, seemed clear.

For once, Lion was the “responsible driver” and I was the patient. Not that I’ve been jealous of his recent procedures. I’d much rather be the driver. And now I’m the one napping at a moment’s notice. I’m sure my anesthesia will wear off quicker than Lion’s did. He had heavier duty anesthesia.

Let’s move on to some old business. I didn’t mean to stir up a hornet’s nest yesterday when I said I was overwhelmed. Yes, Lion tends to ask for a lot all at once, but it’s my inability to “stick up for myself” that’s the problem. I was doing so well, too. I used the punishment spanking technique we decided might work better. I soaped his mouth. I thought 2.0 was back. And then he suggested he needed to be humiliated. For some reason that pushed it over the edge.

Why would humiliation be too much? I put him in diapers from time to time. I’ve painted his pretty toe nails in the past. Oddly enough, I think it’s because he says I should like it. It’s the “shoulds” that rub me the wrong way.

What if I said he should love raisins, PopTarts, or Cool Whip? I might get him to eat them because I’m in charge, but he’d hate it. He’d balk. And he wouldn’t be any closer to loving them no matter how many times I say “should”.

I may, in fact, not mind humiliating him. I just don’t want to be pushed in that direction. I understand Lion wasn’t really trying to push. As I commented yesterday, he tends to get excited about things. He wants a pony and he’ll make every argument he can think of to get that pony. My challenge is to decide if having a pony is a good thing or not. I don’t fault him for wanting the pony. I fault me for feeling pressured to give him the pony.

I’m pissed off!

I had a completely different post planned for today, but I’ve had enough. Over the last nearly-four years there have been a number of comments about topping from the bottom. Not one of the people complaining that I do this, actually knows what the term means. Topping from the bottom refers to bottoms who try to direct a scene while it’s in progress. It has nothing to do with conversations outside of the activity involved. For the sake of those who still don’t get it, if I try to change Mrs. Lion’s spanking style while she is spanking me, then I am topping from the bottom.

If I suggest new ways to do things outside of the time we are actually doing them, I may be annoying but it isn’t topping from the bottom.

Specifically, Mrs. Lion wrote of her frustration about an email exchange I am having with someone I greatly respect. The exchange discussed the nature of spanking, specifically in relation to me; more about that in a few paragraphs. Mrs. Lion and I have a longstanding misunderstanding about the meaning of my attempts to convey newly acquired knowledge. This isn’t confined to power exchange information. It happens no matter what the subject.

When I discuss new possibilities, Mrs. Lion internalizes my suggestions to means she isn’t doing enough to make me happy. She invariably jumps to this conclusion. She freely admits this. I’m faced with choosing not to offer ideas to avoid this situation or to remind her she is doing a great job and my ideas are just that, ideas for different-not-better ways of doing things. In the context of our domestic discipline, she can simply thank me for my ideas and let me know she isn’t ready to try anything new just yet. Information is not criticism. It’s just knowledge being shared.

Now, as promised, here is the real story about what all this sturm and drang is about. In my correspondence I asked about spanking. I was, in turn, asked how I reacted. Specifically, I was asked if I reacted as a child. Do I kick my feet? Beg to have the spanking stop, promising never to do it again? Cry? Roll over to stop it, only to be told to expose my bottom again? The answer to all except rolling over is “no.”

I recently wrote that I wasn’t exactly sure why the practice of spanking is so ubiquitous, but it is. Now I think I understand. Each and every spanking is supposed to be cathartic. It is successful when it allows cathartic release. It isn’t the color of my butt that decides when the spanking is done. It’s when I have exhibited that I experienced the release.

This isn’t Mrs. Lion’s problem; at least not entirely. Her role is to not stop until that release occurs. In the context of a spanking, my “no” means “yes.” “Yellow” means keep going, just a little lighter for a bit. Rolling over means telling me to get my butt back and even raise it to ask for a hard swat. The rest is up to me. My reaction to painful swats has been to literally roar and scream. It’s not the reaction of the vulnerable child. It’s a dominant, grownup protest to the pain.

I’m learning that for me to successfully surrender, I have to react as the child. The spanking is a demonstration of my submissive position to my lioness. It isn’t so much about the pain, though there is plenty. It’s about me feeling punished and having gotten to the point I am just a blubbery mass of submission. That actually doesn’t require the hardest possible swats, just unrelenting spanking until I experience that catharsis.

This won’t happen for either of us all at once. I have to learn to react appropriately. Mrs. Lion has to learn to guide me. Like everything else we do together, I’m confident we will work at it until we both succeed.

This is what I want. I’m hoping Mrs. Lion will be willing to help me achieve it. If not, we will be fine and our power exchange will continue. I have a lot of confidence in her. Sometimes it appears I have more in her than she does in herself. If she is willing she will succeed. I am not nearly as sure I will learn my part.

There was a second concept mentioned: humiliation. That, for the record, is less about learning to submit than it is about a long-held kink. I admit I haven’t really had a chance to experience much of it, but the thought turns me on. Perhaps being made (not me volunteering) to wear panties and bra for Mrs. Lion, maybe under my clothes, is the sort of experience that would work with me. I don’t know.

I’m not saying I expect Mrs. Lion to start making me do this for her right now. I’m simply saying that when that subject came up, it turned me on. That’s all. Diapers also fit into the humiliation arena too, obviously. When Mrs. Lion makes me wear them and makes frequent reference to the infantile lion having to be diapered, it is exciting.