(Friday, May 2 2014) Last night (writing this on Friday 5/2/14) we had another very intense tease and deny session. As I wrote before, this left me feeling oddly satisfied and frustrated at the same time. I really wanted an orgasm, but none was forthcoming. That, of course is par for the course and I expected I would be locked up unfulfilled. I’m learning that there’s a gap between knowing and experiencing.
Lioness told me that last night I just went to sleep without even kissing her goodnight. I don’t remember that. I also don’t remember feeling particularly unhappy or upset. This morning I was grumpy about the toast being cold. I never give that a thought under normal circumstances. She said that maybe she was teasing me too much (every day) or too close to orgasm. She didn’t suggest she should let me orgasm though. She’s learning to be a good top. Be careful what you wish for, lion.
One problem I have to solve is dealing with these feelings. But first I need to realize I am having them. Since my frustration bled into our non-chastity life, it makes it hard on Mrs. Lion to handle. She didn’t know immediately why I was upset. This is part of our learning curve in this lifestyle. I haven’t had to wait long to come and I was never teased consistently over days before. I had no idea I would react this way. She certainly didn’t either.
Clearly I misbehaved. I let feelings that belong with our chastity leak out into our marriage. Worse yet, my behavior discourages lioness from controlling me further. She doesn’t want a grumpy lion on her hands. I feel very badly that I behaved this way. From my perspective, I need to learn a lesson. I think this is a legitimate place for punishment. I don’t know if being punished will prevent me from feeling grumpy and frustrated, but I think it will let me feel better that it has been dealt with and we can move on.
This view from the bottom is new to me. I am beginning to see that punishment is important for a number of reasons: to correct for bad behavior on the spot, to add to the feeling of being controlled, and to provide absolution for bad behavior. There is a difference between the first and third reason. The first reason is to discourage naughty behavior, like playing with oneself. The third is a way of closing the book on something that I feel guilty about.
Normally, as an adult, I don’t expect punishment at all. So, apparently because I surrender sexual control, the consequences, at least for me, includes discipline. As I think about it, I can see how this is starting to work for me. I can’t really give up control without also accepting the consequences of disobedience or naughty behavior. For me, there is a connection with the feeling of being controlled with discipline. Other caged males may find the very act of preventing orgasm sufficient to produce the same feelings.
I expect that most caged males need a discipline component to their chastity. Some, like me, may need it more often. I think it is important for a top to understand what makes her caged male tick. This, of course, is only learned through experience. I really had no intention of provoking punishment. I didn’t want to be surly. I feel guilty that I was naughty. I also have to admit that I had no idea all this would come up in the context of forced male chastity.
(Thursday, May 1 2014) If you asked me three months ago if I thought that I would be sexually fulfilled after being caged, I would have said that isn’t possible. Obviously my cage limits my opportunities to have orgasms, so it stands to reason that I would end up frustrated at least part of the time. If you’ve followed my adventures (sidebar), you know I have had lots of opportunities to come. Sexual deprivation has not been my lot so far. That’s changed somewhat this week.
Beginning Monday, lioness began a new game. It’s pretty simple. She unlocks me, plays with me until I am nice and hard and then sets a timer and masturbates me. If I don’t orgasm before the timer buzzes, then she stops and can lock me back up for at least another day. The first day she set the timer to three minutes. I didn’t make it. She tried again a few times, each time letting me rest and lose my edge. No luck. Back in the cage. Tuesday and Wednesday were more of the same. This time the timer was set to two minutes. After calming down she tried again, but set the timer to just one minute. The third try I had 30 seconds. No luck again. Now it’s Thursday and I have been teased and denied for the last three days. I find myself very hard (well not hard, but bulging out of my cage) every morning. But the funny thing is I’m not frustrated.
I expected to be climbing the walls with all this stimulation and no release. However, I’m not. I feel oddly satisfied. Don’t get me wrong, I really, really want to come. But the attention and stimulation are rewarding too. I wonder if this is what women feel when they don’t orgasm but still feel satisfied. We males are very goal oriented. Sex for us is a race to ejaculation. Anything less, we are taught, is failure. Our partners learn that it is wrong to leave a man unsatisfied. In the beginning, I think I would have fully agreed that it would be wrong to lock me up without a chance to come.
I now have to disagree with that. It isn’t wrong or cruel to tease me and lock me up. The attention and teasing in and of themselves bring me a feeling of satisfaction. In fact, since lioness prior to Monday had been making me come every day, I have to say that I was less satisfied under that regime than I am now. Since my keyholder reads this, I have to be sure to say that I really want to come more than just once in a while. Daily is too much, but I am sure there is a point when it will be too little.
Many men on the Web have written about their feelings as their inability to come extends into weeks. I don’t want to experience that. I have never had a desire for long term deprivation. However, if it pleases my keyholder I can be happy with less orgasms than I originally thought I wanted. It turns out that sexual attention without orgasm brings its own satisfaction. If I had read that before starting, I wouldn’t have believed it. Being locked up without sexual attention would certainly be much worse. I hope I never have to experience that.
A great deal has been written here and elsewhere about the idea of keyholder topping of the caged male. Lioness and I have been working to understand what this means for us. There is a wide spectrum of what topping can be. It ranges from 24/7 domination to scheduled play sessions. There is also confusion around integrating this with forced male chastity. I am caged 24/7 and only released for short periods of time for hygiene or sexual play. Does that imply that my role as bottom is also 24/7? Is lioness expected to manage my life? Where does all this begin and end?
Initially, I imagined that my role as bottom would extend through my home life. I thought that I would have rules to obey with punishments for failure to abide by them. I imagined that when at home or out and about with lioness, her authority would continue. Essentially, I would be a bottom all the time except when at work. That might be what she was thinking too, but even if we agree that the scope of her domination does, in fact cover my total non-professional life, we would still need to agree on limits.
I haven’t seen any discussions of limits in the chastity community. In the BDSM world, limits are a perquisite to any top/bottom interaction. At their most basic, limits are agreements on what is out of bounds in top/bottom play. A lot of people, particularly beginners, like to say that they have no limits. Really? Is it ok for your keyholder/top to get you castrated? Hmm, we may have uncovered a limit.
Even if you have been together for decades, negotiating limits helps both partners understand that they are playing the same game. Clearly, the bottom sets limits since it defines what the agreement to bottom covers. It’s fair to discuss them, but this is the one time the bottom is in control. It is always fair to renegotiate limits as the top/bottom relationship evolves. Here is a list of some possible starting points:
- How often/long is the male to be caged? Is it 24/7/365? Weekends only? Not at work?
- Are there times that the cage must come off? Doctor appointments? Formal affairs? Travel?
- What does the keyholder control? Sex only? General behavior? Chores?
- When does the keyholder have control? Weekends? Evenings? Scheduled times? All the time?
- Can the keyholder punish the caged male? How?
- Are there things that the keyholder may not control?
- Are there things the caged male can not be made to do? Cross dressing? Bi or homosexual sex? Think carefully about this one. If the keyholder is in control, the caged male can be required to do most anything that isn’t on this list (within reason).
- Is there a minimum number of orgasms per week/month/year/century that the caged male must have?
You get the idea. There are some automatic limits: No activity that will cause injury to the bottom; nothing that will get him in trouble with other people, work, or the law. Common sense must prevail!
If the caged male refuses to discuss limits, then I would suggest not topping at all, even caging. While some men like the idea that they have no control. This idea is a set up for the top to fail. Any power exchange requires two people to actively participate. Surrender of total control is a myth. You are still partners, you just added a new dimension to that partnership.
I would be the first to admit that I am the poster child for laziness. I blame it on medical issues and the fact that, quite frequently, any extraneous movements will lead to days of pain. But the truth is, I’m just lazy. It’s ridiculous because I used to be very active. In a former life I played soccer; I helped my then husband build a house; I chased my kids around. And then as the marriage fell apart I got discouraged and lazy.
About a week ago Lion said my problem was inertia. I told him he was using a kinder word than laziness. But he pointed out that I do work hard. The problem is that when I am at rest I tend to stay at rest. He is correct. So I’ve been trying to do more.
Yesterday and today were sort of rocky days for me. I’ve been feeling like I’m failing as Lion’s top. He said he feels bad about it and we should stop. I told him I’d definitely be a failure if we stop and it wouldn’t make either of us happy. I realized this morning that for years I’ve been doing this alone. Other than asking Lion for help (which of course is him topping from the bottom) I’ve had no support. I can’t exactly talk to my coworkers about this. So Lion gave me this advice: be brave and don’t be inconsistent. He’s absolutely correct. I make rules for him and I don’t follow through. It has to be frustrating.
So I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’m determined to beat these bad habits. My Lion deserves it.