Lion is not sure he likes the idea of bonus orgasms. Oh, he likes the idea, but he thinks it will dilute my power. I thought it would be a good reward. I have the power to give him the one thing I have taken away by caging him. So I guess that’s off the table as a reward.
However, the past two bonus orgasms I gave him were not rewards. The first one was because I wanted to ride him and I didn’t care if he came or not. Yes, I did know he probably would come, but there wouldn’t have been any punishment for not holding back. The second one was because he had a butt plug in and I knew it was a different sensation for him to orgasm while plugged.
Technically I didn’t give him those orgasms. I took them. So if it makes him feel better, we can categorize bonus orgasms as those I take from him. Remember, Lion, I don’t always want my own orgasm, but I love taking yours. Does that give the power back to me?
Actually, I don’t care if he thinks it gives me power. I will continue to take orgasms from him whenever I want to. Whether we call them bonus orgasms or not is another matter.
Being a keyholder is very much like being a BDSM top; to make the power exchange real, you need to exercise your control over your caged male (bottom). That isn’t as easy as it sounds. Even if your enforced chastity relationship is limited to just controlling your caged male’s sexual releases, you still have a lot of things to figure out.
At the core of enforced chastity is a power exchange. The caged male surrenders control of his sexual pleasure to his keyholder. For the keyholder it means that she now has to work out how often to let him have orgasms and what other sexual activities she will permit him to have. The caged male has surrendered this control because he wants to feel your power as his keyholder. So, it probably won’t work to just set orgasm dates and leave him locked up between them. Some people actually work this way, but most of us want more.
If, like Mrs. Lion and my power exchange, more kinks other than enforced chastity are involved, the need for planning becomes more difficult. At the core of this power exchange is a fantasy that you are trying to fulfill for your caged male. There are lots of variants, but I think it boils down to the fact that your male needs control of his penis taken away. Sounds simple. It’s not.
The problem with having control is the unexpressed need that the person being controlled wants to feel that control. I can’t feel controlled if Mrs. Lion simply orders me to do what I want to do anyway. She has to stop me from getting or doing things I want in order for me to feel her power. She has to make me do things I wouldn’t want to do on my own. What are those things?
The first and most obvious demonstration of power is to not let me orgasm. So, in an enforced chastity relationship, the keyholder requires the male to give up orgasms, even erections, except for when it is allowed. She has to make him wait longer, frequently much longer than he wants before he can get sexual satisfaction. How long to make him wait? Ahh! The first challenge. In my case, I have no idea. Mrs. Lion has been experimenting with various intervals. They have ranged from one day to the current 21-day wait. I’ve looked all over the Internet to see what others say. There is an informal consensus that three to four weeks is the best interval. It’s long enough to send a clear message about who’s in charge, but not so long as to be abusive. In our case, Mrs. Lion has come up with the idea of “bonus” orgasms. On one hand, I like that very much, but on the other hand, it effectively reduces the wait time and potentially dilutes the power message she is sending. Decisions, decisions.
At the bottom of many male fantasies is the idea that his keyholder will train him in some way. Some males see this as “correcting” bad habits: looking at other women, masturbating, being inattentive. They want to be trained to be “better”. It’s obvious to any keyholder that if she has to cage, spank, or otherwise discipline her male to make him do what he should do anyway, she will not be very interested in enforced chastity. In our case, I don’t think Mrs. Lion has ever felt I neglect her or excessively abuse myself. My fantasies never include such “infractions”.
As a top I had this same problem. I wouldn’t go out with a female who didn’t behave as a proper partner. I was never interested in beating good manners, consideration, etc. into her. But she wanted to feel my domination and control. The only solution to that was to invent things she needed to learn or do. These things could be removing her pubic hair, calling me “Sir”, being naked all the time at home, etc. The point of these rules was to allow her to feel that she surrendered control to me.
In my case, as a bottom/caged male, I want to feel the consequences of breaking a rule. Punishment and discipline are things I want. That has nothing to do with enforced chastity, but it is what I have wanted for a long time. This presents Mrs. Lion with a challenge. I work hard to obey the few rules she made for me. I don’t want to be willfully disobedient, but I do want to be punished. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want me to willfully break those rules. Maybe we need some others, or some orders/instructions that will require her to correct me. The idea is that I don’t want to challenge her authority by willfully disobeying, but I do want her to find reasons to discipline me. What’s a lioness to do?
In the enforced chastity universe this same thing comes up.What should you as a keyholder do between scheduled orgasms? Do you do as Mrs. Lion and provide non-orgasmic sexual stimulation on a regular basis? Do you give surprise orgasms? Do you find other things to do? What about discipline? Even in a pure enforced chastity relationship, there will be times when you, as keyholder, will be displeased. Will you add days to his wait time? Will you spank? Will you take away something he likes? Make him sit in a corner, wash his mouth out with soap? Decisions decisions!
Lion craves consistency. So far, the only constant with me is that I’m variable. One day I have no earthly idea what I’m doing and the next I’m threatening to punish Lion for looking at me funny. One day he thinks he’s putting too much pressure on me and the next he thinks I’ve finally figured it out. Poor Lion never knows which one of my personalities will show up.
The best I can do is keep going forward. Maybe eventually I’ll figure it out. I wish I could say I’m figuring out what doesn’t work, but I feel like I keep making the same mistakes. Poor Lion.
Last night I almost allowed Lion to masturbate with the condition that he didn’t have an orgasm. Then I decided it would set a bad precedent. Even if it’s done in front of me he shouldn’t be allowed to do it. I was thinking this morning that maybe I can offer him a trade this weekend. He can be wild if he wears diapers. But then do I really want to give him a choice? I mean other than the obvious choice of my telling him to do something and him refusing, in which case he technically choses to be punished.
Sometimes it gets very loud inside my head with all the ideas banging around in there.
Mrs. Lion has said that when I make suggestions it makes her think she is failing as my keyholder. We discussed that and I think she understands that I am, by nature, an experimenter and that my suggestions are just my attempt to see how something different might feel. That conversation got me thinking about the keyholder experience in broader terms.
Mrs. Lion agreed to be a keyholder to make me happy. She knows that I have that particular kink (among others) of wanting her to control me sexually and being locked up in a chastity device helps me feel her control. So she locked me up. Since then we have been feeling our way through building a long-term chastity lifestyle. Since her purpose was to make me happy, she measures her success by how happy I am with her performance as my keyholder.
The problem with this measure of success is how to define “making me happy”. This is a problem I had when I was a practicing top. My role was to control and discipline the bottom. In a session that lasted an evening, it was easy to get feedback when the scene was done. That feedback provided me with a measure of my success. However, when I was in a 24/7 top role, it was very hard to know how well I was doing.
Since part of Mrs. Lion’s role as keyholder is to make me wait for my orgasms, and waiting makes me grumpy and sometimes unhappy, how does she know she is successful? More importantly, what can she use to get satisfaction for a job well done?
One way, of course, is to ask me how she is doing. She finds asking that kind of question very difficult. I can and do tell her frequently that I am very happy she is my keyholder. I thank her for her work to indulge my kink. I am sure this helps. But it isn’t easy to remember to do this enough. For me it means stepping out of my caged male role to thank her for doing things to me that I don’t like. For her, there is the obvious contrast between my thanks and the grumpiness and expressions of pain and discomfort I give when she spanks me or does other things that obviously hurt me.
In the BDSM world it is considered good manners to thank the top each time he or she inflicts pain or other sensation. These thanks, while ritual, do provide positive feedback that helps give satisfaction to the top. It’s more difficult in enforced chastity. For one thing, it goes on continuously. I am locked up full time. When I finally get my orgasms, there is always the knowledge that I will have to wait a long time for the next one. There is no logical start or finish to our activities.
So what is Mrs. Lion to do in order to measure her success? The standard answer is that she should enjoy the extra sexual satisfaction she gets as a result of locking me up. I don’t think that makes a bit of sense. As her mate, I should have always given her all the sexual satisfaction she wants. She shouldn’t have to force me to do this by sexual domination. So, that won’t fly. No way!
Mrs. Lion tends toward inaction. It’s her nature. Even if some activity is very satisfying she still won’t actively pursue it. She needs a better reason than her own pleasure to be active. Pleasing me is a strong motivator for her. I’m grateful for that. But in order for that motivation to work, she has to know that she is actually pleasing me. Giving me orgasms is to both of us, a clear message she is pleasing me. But now we are engaged in an activity where not giving me orgasms is the main idea. I think she has alluded to this in many of her previous posts. She says that she loves giving me orgasms. If we look at the flip side of that statement, it means that she doesn’t love not giving me orgasms. Our enforced chastity has removed one of her primary motivators to do things sexual with me.
Similarly, some of the things I want her to do (that may have nothing to do with chastity) like spanking me and disciplining me, obviously make me unhappy. So now we live in a topsy-turvy world where it is good to deprive me of sexual satisfaction and good to inflict some physical pain. Intellectually she knows that this is exactly what I want and her doing all this makes me a happy and contented male. But it is very difficult for her to get satisfaction out of doing these things.
I have a few ideas that might help. They may allow her to find satisfaction in the same things that actually make me happy. Admittedly, these ideas involve an intellectual process instead of an emotional one, but they may give her a concrete way to gauge how well she is doing.
- Keep track of what you have done. Count and make notes about each teasing session. How many times did you bring me to the edge? If you wanted to, did you ruin an orgasm? If you had an accidental ruined orgasm, how many times did you edge me before it happened? This will let you see your progress over time. Record each of my wait times. Note how you have increased my waits. Note my behavior changes and how you managed them. I know that you already understand them, but by taking notes you can later see how you have improved your control.
- Track how you have managed me outside of sexual satisfaction. Each time you note an infraction, record how you handled it. You could use your Naughty Lion coupons for this. Even if you choose not to punish, by tracking infractions you measure how your ability to manage me is going. You can also note each rule you decide to enforce. Again, since you know that this is something that makes me happy.
- Track punishments, fun or real. Since you know I love to hate punishments, noting when and what you do can let you measure how you have grown in that area.
I realize that tracking things is extra work, but with the computer tools we have, it is pretty simple. My point is not to tell Mrs. Lion what to do. It’s to offer ways to measure success. What do you think, Mrs. Lion?